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I slept and I thought

2008-01-31

I have been thinking, quite a bit, about David's attempt to visit me.  I have no idea what he wanted, but apparently it was not that important.  He hasn't called or emailed or tried to visit again.  That's probably a good thing.  I've talked the situation over with the people closest to me and everyone seems to think that David is up to no good and nothing beneficial can come of this.  I wonder why I am so reluctant to agree with that.  I wonder what it is that still makes me want to give him the benefit of the doubt.  Surely he has undoubtedly proven that I should never do that again.  Still, I tend to want to believe that there is some tiny bit of good in him somewhere.  Perhaps I am just hopeless.

My feelings are mixed right now.  I am confused.  I thought that it had come to a complete end with that whole email/phone bill fiasco.  I never expected to hear from him again and I surely never expected him to show up at my house.  I do not understand why he would want to see me at all after all of that.  He thinks I am a crazy, deceitful, lying, manipulative bitch.  He didn't have to say it.  He accused me of doing something that I never did. He not only believes that I did it but also believes that I want to interfere in his life and mess with his happiness.  None of that is true, but if believing that keeps him away from me then I guess it's for the best.  I wish things could have been different, but they are not and I have to live with how it is, not how I would have it. 

I admit that I am curious to the reasons behind his strange escapade the other night.  Why me?  Why not one of his other ex's? Of course I have no idea that I am the only one he tried to see.  Why me at all?  For the past couple of weeks I have been hoping that he had moved out of town.  I never run into him or see him driving down the road.  I am careful not to frequent the places he might hang out.  I have no idea what his life is like now, where he goes, what he does or when he does it.  I try my best to keep it that way, because I am afraid that I am still in love with him.  I am afraid of what I would do or feel if I did know these things.  I have never been able to exercise an adequate amount of self restraint when it comes to David.  I do not want that temptation and I have been trying to avoid it at all cost.  I've wanted, so many times, to email him or drive by his house or call his mother in hopes that I might learn something about his life now.  I never let myself act on those feelings.  I feel foolish for even entertaining those sorts of thoughts.  Sometimes I wonder if he thinks about me.  I wonder if he misses me and is curious about my life now.  I wonder if he finally realizes how much I cared for him and what kind of friend he lost in this whole thing.  I know it's silly to entertain those thoughts.  I want him to regret it for the rest of his life. That is just mean and hateful.  What I suspect is closer to the truth is that I hardly ever cross his mind.  I imagine that he is mostly unconcerned with how I am or what I am doing with my life.  I hate to say it, but I am assuming that he tried to see me because he wants money.

I confess that I have had several fantasies about seeing him again.  I've imagined what I would say to him and how I would treat him.  I've run an endless amount of scenarios.  In truth, I cannot imagine what I would actually do with an opportunity to see and talk to him face to face.  I'm sure it would be strange and emotional for me.  I would probably try to be strong and appear emotionless.  I am scared of how I would react.  I guess I am relieved that he did not succeed in seeing me.  I am a bit disappointed, it's true.  I just do not think I am ready to see him.  I do not know why it takes so long to get over this.  I wish that I was done with it and could feel normal again.  I've been told that I will never truly get over it, I'll just learn how to not let it affect me and not think about it so often.  In about 6 weeks I will hit the one year mark.  Perhaps I should plan a celebration.  I can celebrate my liberation.  Perhaps I should actually effectuate my liberation from this oppressive darkness that was left behind as part of the repercussion of the demise of that relationship. A party is in order I think!

I don't know what to do.  I cannot have him back.  I cannot change the past.  I don't even want to.  I haven't been able to get over him.  I don't know what is holding me back.  I just want to feel happy again.  I don't remember how to feel happy without him here.  It's sad, pitiful and pathetic, I know.  I just don't remember how it was or what I was before I fell in love with him.  Of course, I am no longer that girl, and I'd do good to remember that.  What I am now is a woman with a giant visible scar.  It's okay with me.  Most of us have them.  It will shrink with time and patience.  I am doing okay in reality.  I didn't die.  I am sure I am over the worst part.  It should be a downhill slide from here on out!

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Unexpected visit

2008-01-29

Just a few days longer than four months have passed since I last communicated with David. Now, all of a sudden and out of the freakin' blue, he pops up again.  For what reason?  I have no clue to his motivation at all.  I am freaked out and confused.  I thought we had agreed to never communicate again, forever.  I've been true to my end of the deal.  Tonight, not only did he show up at my work, where he is barred, but he also showed up at my home!!! What the hell is that all about?  I didn't see him as I was on break when he showed up at my job and I was obviously at work when he went to my house.  I just don't get it at all.  He'll be having his year wedding anniversary in a week.  As far as I know he's fine and happy.  I can't even think of a single reason that he'd even want to see me.  He obviously was attempting just that last night.  My son's father was here and answered the door.  I'm sure that it was awkward for both of them.  I sort of laugh when I think about it.  He wasn't even going to tell me about the impromptu visit except that I told him that David had come into my work.  So I'm confused and more than a bit curious about the whole thing.  I'll need to sleep on it, I think, before I can decide exactly how I feel about this attempt.  There are way too many emotions to try to sort with so little rest.  I hope I can get a few hours of sleep before I start my weekend.  I'm off to bed.  I hope I sleep.

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Time for a new outlook

2008-01-19

The new year has begun without any special excitement or focus on my part.  As always, I have resolved to lose weight, get my house in order, be a better person and formulate a plan for the next year.  I have done nothing, so far.  As I near the one year mark from the demise of my relationship, I feel more confused than anything.  Is it possible to still be in love with that fallacy?  I examine how it has affected me over this past year.  First, as one would expect, I was shocked, sad, angry and depressed.  As all of that subsided, mellowed and became fuzzy I have noticed the more lasting effects.  Just as all of our experiences mold and shape us, this one has done it's part to indelibly mark me in ways that I am not sure I can appreciate or enjoy.  I have been looking at myself, trying to identify my motivation for certain things that I have been doing and avoiding. 

First, I avoid EVERTHING that has anything to do with my ex "boyfriend".  I try not to talk about him or think about him.  I refuse to listen to anyone that has news about where he is or what he's up to.  I simply do not want to know.  I do not want to give myself any reason to contact him at all ever again.  I feel so strongly about this that I haven't been able to resume or re-establish my friendship with his mother.  I care deeply for this woman.  I am afraid I'll eventually ask about him.  Whenever I catch myself thinking about him or talking about him I try to force myself to think of the very worst parts of our relationship.  It's very hurtful and depressing, but it keeps me focused on trying to get over him.  Whenever I wonder if it really is possible for me to still be in love with that guy, I try to remember that it was all a huge dramatic lie.  My dreams are my setback.  I dream that he is here and I feel happiness, calm and safe.  When I  wake I get pissed!  It's as if my heart breaks over and over and over again, all because I cannot or will not let it go! 

Second, there is my shame.  I deal with a huge amount of shame on a regular basis.  I am ashamed that I let myself be so  completely fooled.  I read into things now.  I look for any clue that I may be getting lied to, taken advantage of or just plain dicked around.  I hate that I am so suspicious of everything and everyone.  It takes the fun out of life, really.  I never want to feel like I was duped and swindled again.  It was a gigantic blow to my ego.  Now it's hard for me to be genuinely giving, honest and generous.  I feel that if I am too open and free with myself, that it will invite all of this to happen again.  I no longer trust my judgement  in simple matters  and I feel as if I may miss another hoax and fall into another tangle of deceit and fraud.  I am always looking for angles that I could be getting "played" and trying to close off all the openings.  It feels sad and dark behind all of these walls.  I feel suffocated by my own defenses, but I am too afraid to let them fall.  Is it possible that I've already been through the worst, or is there something even more monstrous waiting just around the corner for me?  I don't know how to give myself and protect myself all at the same time.  I feel inadequate in both.

Third, most shocking of all,  I've stopped having sex!  I don't know what happened to me.  At first i needed to prove to myself that just because I was in love with someone that didn't want me did not mean that I was unwanted and unattractive to everyone.  I did a good job of proving that!  I still do it, regularly.  I now notice the effect I have on men and I practice my flirting techniques daily!  It's like I have this huge shadow over me, constantly telling me that I need to prove that I am desirable.  It's not enough that I think I am a great catch, I somehow need to prove it to everyone.  I think it's an ego thing.  I don't know.  Perhaps I've let my "ex" dictate my self worth and I'm fighting my acceptance of it.  It's almost like I'm just playing with men now.  I let them think they have a chance and then I just toy with them until they lose interest or I get bored. 

There is one guy, in particular, that I am confused about.  We've started something, but I do not know what it is.  It was just going to be some sex, but it didn't end up that way.  I gave him my number shortly after my breakup.  He didn't call for months.  When he finally did call, I couldn't "hook up" because I was sick.  We had a 3 1/2 hour conversation on the phone. A week later he called again and this time we did "hook up" .  I met him at a hotel and we fooled around, talked for a few hours and left.  I didn't have sex with him.  I don't know why.  I am exorbitantly attracted to this guy!  When I gave him my number I, straight up, told him that I wanted to hop all over his cock.  I am not even kidding.  Those were my exact words and I was serious.  I still do not know why I didn't have sex with him.  Then I didn't hear from him for a month.  I had given up on hearing from him and I assumed that he was disappointed that I said no to sex.  Out of the blue, he called last week.  I met him at the same hotel and it was sort of the same scenario.   We fooled around, I said no sex.  He knows I like him.  He knows I am acutely attracted to him physically.  He is verging on my idea of perfection of the male form.  he is definitely my sexual ideal.  What the hell is my problem?  I think I am scared.  I am afraid that I'll get emotionally attached and then get hurt!  I am refusing sex with my sexual quintessence because I do not trust myself to NOT fall in love with him.  I do not believe in romantic love!!!!!!  I am scared silly that I will fall into that trap all over again and that I will open myself to being used and screwed over by this guy!  I am so confused and scared about this one that I am about ready to call it all off and stop seeing him.  I am scared to death that I will get hurt.  How is it possible that I have become so careful with myself?  Why am I letting something that happened almost a year ago affect my choices today?

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