Spring Cleaning Day!

2008-02-28

Well... let's see.  I have done NOTHING this weekend!  I slept most of it away.  I'm all messed up over my ex.  I have been waiting for him to email or stop by again.  I, somehow, really wanted to talk to him and I almost emailed him.  I couldn't though because it's crossing a line.  He never emailed and he hasn't come by again.  There you go.  Fuck that guy!  It was all bullshit.  Everything he said to me.  It always is.  There is never any backup to anything he tells me.  I should know better and I should learn to let go of that tiny bit of hope that he's finally telling me something valid and true.  It never happens and it makes me sad.  Oh well.  Really, I'm no worse off than I was last week.  At least now I know.  I wanted to believe him, that our entire relationship wasn't bullshit.  It was all bullshit. 

I really shouldn't think that, because it was very real for me.  Everything I said and felt was real and true.  It still is.  I don't pretend to be or feel something that I am not.  Sometimes I try to not let it show.  I am honest and I feel so many things that are conflicting, it gets confusing.  I always try to do the right thing though.  The lines get blurry sometimes, but I do the best I can.  I am doing my best, always, and there is nothing more than that, it's all I can do.  I want to be happy and I know that I cannot be happy if I do the wrong thing or I am not trying my best.  I want what is best for me and for him.  I want him to be happy and do the right thing, but it is not my responsibility to make sure that happens or to guide him, counsel him or anything.  I can only take care of my end.  I have to do what is responsible and best for everyone involved.  I cannot let myself be selfish and I will not.  Sometimes we have to do things we do not want to do to get what we do want.  For instance, I do not want to clean this stupid house, but I want to live in a clean house, so there you go!  I have to do the things that are necessary to get me to where I want to be and that is my focus starting today!  This house is getting cleaned tonight!  Nothing is going to stop me from accomplishing that! YAY ME!

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Sepia Morning

2008-02-26

It's a sepia morning and I am siting here eating peanut butter off of a spoon.  I have been up all night getting nothing accomplished.  I watched some television, listened to some music, updated MySpace,  joined Tickle.com and wasted a bunch of time taking relationship quizzes.  I am trying, once again, to get the intensely emotional feelings for David out of my head.  This sucks.  Really......  I don't know why I put myself through this.  He is definitely my strongest weakness.  I know I should have been strong and not let him talk to me.  I knew it would do this to me.  Make me crazy!  I know myself very well, and I know how I let him affect me.  I have always let him affect me in crazy, emotional ways.  I need to stop doing that.  I do not understand why he felt a burning desire to come see me.  So what, he thinks he is in love with me still, he's a married man.  A year ago he thought that he didn't love me and he was, for sue, in love with his wife.  He thought that the mere fact that she was having his son meant that she was the "one" and they would live happily ever after. He was sure that he loved her the same way I love him, unconditionally and for eternity.  He was SURE about "us" not being right.  It didn't occur to him that it might be just another girl having another one of his children, the only difference is the gender of his child.  It didn't occur to him that it takes more than love and faith in love to make a relationship work.  He never anticipated that he would miss his life over here. 

 I never thought he hated me, just that he didn't ever really care.  It's always about him.  What he wants, feels and needs.  Now he feels hurt that I finally recognized the lie and call it how I see it.  Now he wants to believe that lie?????  What the hell?  Let me ask this one question, if you really love someone, truly, passionately and forever, can you actually do something that you KNOW will devastate them and scar them forever?  Can you really do that and still say you love them?  I can't.  I just cannot ever, never ever, conceive of doing something that could possibly destroy him; even now, after all of this, I could never, knowingly, hurt him the way he hurt me.  My love is true and his, well.... my love is true and real.  I just do not understand how he can say what he feels for me is love.  How can he even consider that?  He never believed in us.  He was always looking for something else, something more, something different than me.  He found it alright.  He once said to me, and very hatefully I might add, "I am never getting married, especially to you!"  I believed him.  Although I really want to have a husband, I loved him so much that I was willing to compromise even that.  I knew he would impact my life in a major way the first time I looked him in the eye. I didn't even know that I would be moving here then.  It was like an electric shock and I knew.  I knew he was important, I just didn't know why or how.  I still believe in love at first sight, simply because of that.  I don't know if he remembers or even noticed.  I remember.  I remember tons of things.  The first time I danced with him.  I could feel the electricity running through me.  I am not exaggerating.  Still, when he touches my skin, I feel it.  The time I think about, all too frequently, is this time early in our relationship.  He picked me up to just go for a ride in his car, I always loved that, anyway... He was taking me home and driving fast up a big hill.  I unbuckled my seatbelt, got on my knees on the seat and kissed him like I had never kissed anyone before or after that.  We were at the top of the hill when it started and as we came over the summit and started the descent, everything around me disappeared and it was just me and him and a feeling like I was on fire in a roller coaster!  I will never forget that.  I doubt he remembers.  I, highly, doubt he experienced anything similar to that.  I smile every time I think of it, none the less.  Good times, man!  Like our trip to the science center!  He sat in a huge chair and I freaked out in a space ride!   I laugh out loud!  We had fun!  He's just missing the fun.

He is not, nor ever was in love with me.  I was always a fun and understanding friend and a good backup plan.  I am not going to be his backup plan ever again.  He strung me along for years, why, because he is afraid, YEP, I said it, AFRAID to be alone.  He needs to constantly prove that someone loves him.  Unfortunately, he cannot find a way to love himself, therefore, no-body's love will ever be enough for him.  He has the attitude, that no matter where he is there is always something better over there.  For some strange reason, I have ended up over there.  Let's keep in mind that he didn't lose me; no, he threw me away.  He decided that I was useless, no longer served a purpose and was just taking up valuable space in his life.  It was all to apparent in the deplorable way he ended things and moved on with his life.  How can I ever forgive that?  It's not so much that I cannot, but that, perhaps I should not.  Everyone tells me that I can never forgive that and most of the time I agree.  There is a part of me that will forgive him anything.  I keep trying to kill that part of me.  I am just not inclined to hatred.  Especially when it comes to him.  He is my kryptonite!

After taking so many relationship quizzes, I am left wondering what am I going to do about this?  How am I going to get the relationship I want when the thing I truly want is unavailable to me?  Fuck!  Is it possible to stop wanting what we cannot have?  I want a husband and a true, loving, romantic and passionate relationship.  I want to have fun and laugh!  I want to have new and exciting adventures.  I want to go on a freakin' road trip with a man that is really and truly into me!  I want to stop wanting my ex-fucking-boyfriend, dammit!  I want to know that the person I am enjoying is enjoying me as well.  I wish that "hotel boy" was more into me.  That guy is SEXY-HOT!  Unfortunately, he just wants a green card.  Oh, my my my, how hot is he?  Too hot for me to hop on, for fear of getting burned!  I don't know why he calls me.  What I should do for him is hook him up with someone that he could actually fall for!  The poor guy thinks that he lost his chance to find happiness in love.  Just like I think I am irreparably broken.  I like talking to him though.  I like how he gets all flirty with me.  I like it when he tells me things about what he thinks and what he wants.  I like it when we watch Mexican television and he explains to me what is going on.  It reminds me of how my ex used to explain the news to me.  Am I just trying to find a more faithful version of my ex?  I wonder about this often.  I wonder about this when I am thinking about what I like about the new guy.  I've noticed that I have started to treat him the same way as my ex, in certain ways.  I anticipate his needs,  I don't do anything about it, but I think about doing something.  I cater to his needs and desires.  I even started rubbing his chest the same way and last time I saw him, he asked me to rub his back.  He wonders where I learned how to do it that way.  I never tell.  I feel weird about it though.  Sometimes, I even feel like I am cheating on a man that I am not with and is MARRIED to another woman!  I am dumb!  Mostly I wonder if I am trying my best to duplicate my last relationship.  I have involved myself with a man that has absolutely no interest in me romantically, but enjoys the things that I give him.  It will not be long before he realizes everything he can get out of me if he makes me believe he loves me and can get me to fall in love with him.  I am setting myself up to be used again and I know it.  I do it consciously too!  I started this.  I flirted with him first.  I got him interested and now I am showing him how amazing I can be.  I am doing all of this and we have already established that there will be NO romantically emotional attachment whatsoever.  I told him that I do not believe in romantic love and that even if I did, I am broken beyond repair.  I told him that if I started to experience more that what we have agreed to, that I would simply end it.  I will.  I'm thinking of ending it anyway, because I am afraid that I just want to prove to myself, again, that I cannot be loved by a man.  I don't want to make him responsible for that.  I like this guy.  He has goals and dreams and he does not need a psycho girl getting all crazy on him.  *SIGH* OY!  I am just as pathetic and hopeless as I have ever been.  Damn.

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Breath

2008-02-26

"Breath"

I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like.

Is it over yet, in my head?

I know nothing of your kind, and I won't reveal your evil mind.

Is it over yet? I can't win.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.

You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

This will be all over soon.
Pour salt into the open wound.

Is it over yet? Let me in.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.


You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.


I'm waiting, I'm praying, realize, start hating.


You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

- Breaking Benjamin -

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Right Here

2008-02-26

Right Here


I know I've been mistaken
But just give me a break and see the changes that I've made
I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I hope you're not intending
To be so condescending it's as much as I can take
and you're so independent
you just refuse to bend so I keep bending till I break

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you

Why can't you just forgive me
I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made along the way
But I always find a way to keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if I chose to walk away would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep me right here waiting

- Staind -

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Check one, Check, Check

2008-02-25

Well, I have decided that I have a piss poor attitude.  I actually left work early tonight, when I could have stayed and made some money.  I haven't made very much money all week and it's because I have a BAD ATTITUDE.  I need a freakin' vacation, but alas, I cannot really afford one.  I start my weekend early, woo hooo!!  I have the next 3 days off and I AM going to get this fucking house clean dammit!  I am going to start tonight since I came home from work when I should have stayed. 

I haven't heard from the "ex" since the night he "stopped by".  I've felt quite a bit anxious since that night.  I check my email several times a day, hoping for some communication.  Now I need to get myself in check. Chickety Check myself, before I wreck myself!  I'm not kidding either.  My head is all messed up over this.  You cannot just swing by your ex-girlfriend's house, almost a year after you broke her heart; tell her that you are still in love with her and then expect that everything will go on just fine after that.  I'm sure his life is fine after that.  Mine, however is a mess.  Complications with the baby daddy over an hypothetically implied reconciliation.  Why does every man I know want to tell me how to live my life?  I know it's in their nature to try to fix things, but please!  I think I've been doing a decent job running my own life for 34 years, well 16 years I guess, but still.  Given the chance and the time I usually make the right decisions and when I don't I try my best to fix it.  Give me some credit people.  I'm a good person, for the most part.  I can be in love with someone AND do nothing about it.  I've been doing it for a year now!  Jeez!  Sure, I get confused and I like to think about what might or could be.  I am also realistic and I look at what is and what is probable.  I don't, often, make rash decisions and i don't know why I would start now.  Nothing has changed.  I knew he would eventually tell me he still loves me, I just didn't know when and if I would be ready for it.  Why wouldn't he still love me?  I was fantastic to him and for him.  If now, after a year of whatever he's been dealing with, he can appreciate what he had, then good; perhaps next time he has something that good and special he will  treat it with more care and concern.  Nothing is different though.  He's still married and he'll stay that way.  I'm still trying to get over him and I'll keep trying until I don't have to anymore. 

Right now I just wish I could find someone to help get me through the tough parts.  I have so much to give and nowhere to put it.  It helps having my son to care for, but it's not the same sort of thing.  I want that special relationship.  The one I thought I had with "him".  The one that feels so intensely personal and just lights me up.  I cannot fake it, although I try.  I really do miss loving him; oh well, he has a wife for that now.  I can't keep feeling so frustrated with myself.  I cannot control my feelings, just what I do about them.  I do not want to be so angry with myself all of the time.  I don't care what he did, I haven't stopped loving him, it has to be okay.  What's not okay is giving it to him.  I should never, ever give him a chance to treat me so poorly again.  I know, everyone has been telling me for a long, long time now.  Don't tell me to just stop loving him, like I can just turn it off and on.  Love isn't something you earn or deserve; it's just something that is.  I have love for that man, I cannot help it, but I do not have to show him if I choose not to.  Something dramatic, drastic and overwhelmingly believable would have to happen for me to ever feel like it was worth putting myself on the line for that guy ever again.  I give it so many chances, I honestly do not know if there are any chances left.  I shouldn't be thinking like this anyway.  He's married.  Period, end of story.  He is NOT available to me in any way and he never will be.  'Till death, us do part,  vows are sacred.  Perhaps in the next life there will be a chance for us. Maybe.

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All at Once

2008-02-24

All At Once

There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there

Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it maybe you need it,
Maybe it's all you're running from,
Perfection will not come

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you've started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you had her maybe you lost her to another
To another

- The Fray -

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I'm a confused Joke

2008-02-23

I am so very confused.  I'm making strange decisions.  I unblocked him from MySpace.  I don't think it will matter at this point.  He hasn't tried to contact me since our "talk".  He's probably sitting at home laughing his ass off about how stupid and gullible I am.  Oh well.  The joke is always on me.  I trusted, I loved and then I got FUCKED!  I'll get over it.  It's just mean, what he's doing now.  It's not funny.  I am so stupid when it comes to him.  I know better than to let him talk to me.  He cannot be truthful, honest or sincere.  I can't play games with him anymore.  I need to move on, I need to let go. 

Maybe I'll just marry the new guy.  It cannot be any worse than this.  He talks about it every time I see him.  I make it a joke, maybe I should just tell him that I will and if he's serious he needs to set a date.  At least it would give me something new to focus on.  I don't know how important "love" is to most people when it comes to marriage.  I like him, I'm attracted to him.  I don't know him very well, but I guess I'd learn quickly being his wife.  I don't know.  I'm in a strange mood today.  I just feel very confused and sort of sad.  I'll live.

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Off the Deep End!

2008-02-22

I am freaking out!  I cannot get last night's visit out of my head.  I go over and over everything that was said.  He knows that it wasn't okay to tell me that he is still in love with me.  I don't believe that it's true.  He's having a hard time with something now.  Maybe his plans aren't working out well and I imagine that he's having marital problems.  I don't know.  I imagine that he looks back at some things in his past and he misses parts.  The good parts.  We had some good times, it's true.  That does not make it love.  He needs to really look at it and realize that if it really was the kind of love that I felt, he would never done the things he did, because he couldn't have left if he felt what I felt.  He told me that he didn't think he would ever look back, that's why he could do what he did to me.  That's not love.  I've never made a secret of my feelings.  I don't know what is going on with me now.  Am I going to have to fight everything in me to not run into his arms and complicate both of our lives and perhaps destroy other's?  Will he realize that he was wrong to come to me and regret it?  He told me that he believes it can be fixed.  He said he believes that I can be healed.  He said I could tell him to come home.  I wish it were that easy.  He told me that he can't let me move on and get over this.  He says that he doesn't want me to let go.  Mostly I think it is selfish of him, but a tiny voice says to me that if it is real then I can never let go.  I hate that voice and I want her to die.  She's the liar in my head and she loves to believe all of his lies.  I've let her have way too much power.  I feel like a crazy person!  I want to run far, far away.  I want to get in my truck and drive away forever.  Part of me wants to run fast and run far, the other part wants to take him with me.  I cannot do either.

This is not how it is supposed to be.  This was my second chance to tell him that it doesn't matter and he blew it and then feel some sort of satisfaction.  I don't feel it.  I told him that he broke it and it cannot be fixed, and it just made me sad.  Tragic sorrow, that is what I feel.  I know it sounds dramatic and it is!  I never go half way.  He told me that when he reads my blog that it feels like I write it to him.  He's right I do.  I always have.  I didn't think he actually read it, but it is always the things I want to tell him.  I didn't just lose my boyfriend, I lost my best friend and the only person that I ever felt really could understand me.  If he would have paid even half as much attention to me while we were together as he has recently, then perhaps things wouldn't have happened the way they did.  I tried everything to tell him, everything.  He just shut it off and shut me out and then went in a different direction.  I couldn't understand it at all.  I have to believe it was because he didn't care and he didn't love me.  The is no other explanation for it.   He hasn't been able to give me any reason other than that.  If he didn't love me or care about our relationship then, there is no way he can now.  It doesn't come and go like that.  You don't just fall in and out of love with someone, no matter what Alicia Keys says!

I am scared.  I do not know how else to explain it.  What if I do, what if I don't?  My mind is filled with questions and I am afraid to answer all of them.  The only thing I know for sure is that I am, indeed, still in love with him and I have no idea what to do about it.  I want to do the right thing and I do not want to believe in his charming fucking little lies.  What if it is just a big elaborate scheme that he planed with the help of his loving wifey?  To what end, I have no idea, but look at what happened a year ago?  They both agreed to do something that would devastate me, solely for their own benefit.  I can't allow myself to believe him.  It is way too dangerous.  Even if he was being honest.  If it is right and supposed to be the way he thinks it should be, then he will figure something out.  There is no band-aid, salve or magical cure and I cannot fix it.  I didn't break it.  He has to know and he has to believe and then he has to act.  If his faith in what is right cannot keep him strong then it's not right for him.  I tried to make it easy for him.  He's the one that had to make it all so difficult and now he has to fight his way to what he wants.  If he wants it bad enough he will do whatever it takes to get there.  I recommend couples counseling at this point and seeing his pastor on a weekly basis for spiritual guidance.  He deserves to be happy.  He just has to believe it to get there.  He has all the ingredients.  A wife, a family, a son, that is what his idea of a happy life entails, he accomplished all of it.  The only thing he is missing is the belief that he deserves it. He does.

For myself, I don't know what to think.  I know I deserve to be happy, I just don't know how to get there.  I know I have to stop being in love with a man that I can never have.  I cannot just run away from it, but I want to.  I'm thinking about taking my vacation fund and spending a weekend at the beach, perhaps alone, perhaps with my son.  I wonder how much I have saved.  I need to just go and think and be far, far away from all of the pressure of my life.  So many people telling me what I should think and feel and do.  I just want to hear the ocean waves and feel the ocean air and just let it all save me.  Save me from myself.  Save me from my insanity.  Quiet all of the voices and, perhaps, sweep most of them out to sea.  I'm going.  I decided just now.  Maybe this weekend.  I have to go, I cannot afford not to go.

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The Walk

2008-02-21

Could you live without me?  Did you ever really have a doubt?
But do you understand it baby; When you say it's over, its done.  - Emerson Hart -

  It finally happened, and I knew it was and I was waiting for it.  I knew I wasn't ready and I was right.  David Came to see me tonight.  I agreed to go for a walk with him.  I don't think I looked him in the eye once.  We talked for an hour and a half or so, I guess.  I said things that were not nice and some things that were intended to hurt his feelings.  I am not proud of myself for that.  I don't feel better for having done that.  I thought that I would feel more satisfaction, but in reality I still feel bad, confused and maybe a bit worse than I did before.  I haven't stopped loving him at all.  What if I never do?  Now I am scared and I am going to have to be stronger than ever. 

I tried to make him feel bad for hurting me so deeply.  He acted, at least, like it hurt him to hear it.  He kept trying to make the point that our entire relationship was not bullshit.  That is just so hard for me to believe.  I question his motivation for telling me that.  He actually cried a little bit.  Maybe it was cathartic for him to just get some things out.  He told me he reads my blog, way more regularly than I thought.  I don't know if I believe that.  I do know that he has been reading it lately though.  He said it hurt his feelings when I say that our entire relationship was a lie and bullshit.  I told him that I don't care if it hurts his feelings, that's how I feel about it and it shouldn't matter, at all, to him what I think or feel.  He tried really hard to prove that he actually had feelings for me and he justified it with the confession that he still does and he cannot let it go.  I was shocked, to say the least.  I don't understand, and I am looking for his motivation.  He is a married man.  Why the hell would he tell me that.  I don't care if he thinks it's true or if he has another agenda or whatever reason he has, it is inappropriate to say that and even more inappropriate to act on it!!  He CANNOT be in love with me.  Even if he thinks that he is, he can never act on it and he should NEVER, EVER say it out loud!  He is married, forever, 'till death.   

Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

Not two, but one!  He MUST do everything in his power to nurture and protect his marriage.  Let no man put asunder!  He, being a man that believes in a Christian god, should have respect for his rules!  He cannot separate his marriage back into two parts!  Besides all of that, there are children to think about; children he loves.  I did the hardest thing I could do, I gave him this advice; "See your pastor, a counsellor and start couple's therapy; get your marriage on track and take care of it, straighten it out."  It is the right thing to do and I had to tell him, even though it kills me.  I will not be a home wrecker, I do not care what I feel, I will not help break a family apart, his family apart.  I do not matter and I should not ever be a factor and I will not be a catalyst for the demise of a life long commitment!

There are so many things running through my mind.  I took my link to this blog off of MySpace.  I blocked him from communicating with me on MySpace.  I took a few days off of blogging about him.  I figured that he'd just get bored.  Instead he just came over to see me, confuse me and tel me that he cannot let me go.  He just has to.  I surely cannot let go if he doesn't!  How will I do that?  I can barely keep myself under control just trying to being strong for me!  I don't want to reject him, but I have to.  On so many levels it is wrong for me to do anything but .  It was sort of surreal spending time with him.  I had that same old feeling.  A sort of calming, mind clearing feeling.  I was mad and emotional, shocked and confused.  It felt the way it feels with him; like it will all be okay and everything will work out the way it should.  I hate that about him now, because I cannot find anyone else that does that to me and I cannot let myself indulge in something that is not mine to indulge in.  I noticed everything about him; his size, his clothing, how he positioned himself as we walked or sat.  I found it very hard to not touch him and i wanted to just put my head on his shoulder and fall asleep.  I refrained from allowing myself any physical contact.  I am glad I did, because this is going to be difficult enough, without letting the attraction surface.  He was funny, he made a few of his old, usual comments, but I know how I look and it's not good!  I've gained 60 lbs this year and my hair was a mess and I had been cooking, so I know I was a mess.  It felt good, none the less.  Again, he the only one that affects me like that.  I turn into a giddy school girl inside.  I don't think I let that show and I tried to let myself stay indifferent to all of his jokes and attempts at humor. 

He told me he would come over again, or email.  He probably won't and it will be okay.  He should never ever see me again.  If he is truly doubting his marriage, then he should definitely stay far, far away from me.  I cannot counsel him!  A part of me hopes that he got what he needed from this tonight and now he will let himself move on.  It feels all too familiar to me.  I try to let go, over and over again, every time I hear from him.  I don't know how to let go.  It just makes me cry to even think about it.  I love him and I miss him and now I know how much.  Too much in most people's opinion.  More than what is good for me, for sure.  Love is not supposed to hurt!

Let's remind him why he left in the first place....... I quote from the letter he left for me to find after he had gone.

"You are right. It is not fair for me to treat you like this. The messed up thing is I dont know if I could change that"

"In the end I relized I was the nice Dave because of her."

"But I relized I could never love you like you loved me."

"Nicole kept coming into my mind's eye. After I found out she was having my son I almost passed out. That made it offical to me. You know what I said about the one who has my son. That's the one. The one I was going to marry and spend the rest of my day's with. So with all my soul searching and advice from within and through the good Lord I made up my mind. I married her Febuary 6th of this year at the court house."

"You've alway's wanted me to be honest, even if it hurt. so I am...now. That's it. That's the truth. No less..no more. It's not all fireworks and everything sunny and bright ao dont think it is. But I love her the same way you love me."

"I should have never came back...but I needed to be sure about YOU and ME ..cause I was not. Now I know."

"She IS having my son. For that I am forever greatful and must show this with all the love I have no matter WHAT."

Sometimes life gets hard.  We need to remember what we believe.  That is what got us to where we are now.  Just because it is tough is no reason to get crazy and run away, back peddle or hide. 

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.  -The Fray- (All at Once)

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Teary Pep Talk

2008-02-18

I am winding up the day the same way I began the day, crying.  I woke up this morning after having a dream that I was having an argument with David about him getting married to someone besides me.  I woke up and tried my best to get David out of my mind, so I started to think about the new guy and it occurred to me that I think about him far too much and now I have to stop seeing him.  I have to stop because I like him too much.  Romantic love IS NOT real!  I will not let myself do it again; believe in a lie.  I like being "in love", but it hurts when you have to wake up from the dream.  It hurts more than I can bear to do again.  I'm still aching from the last one.  So I have to tell him that I cannot see him anymore and why.  I felt sort of sad about it and cried a little bit.  I thought about my "relationship" with David and felt a little sorry for myself, then I got out of bed and went about my day like normal.

I felt okay.  Work was lame.  I was talking about my childhood, just a little bit, while we were closing.  I never do that.  I do not talk much about my childhood at all, to anybody.  I wonder why I was doing that.  I am not okay, maybe.  I am not being loved enough I think.  It's okay.  I'll survive and get on with things.

I came home after work and I was thinking about playing a video game for a while.  I have a message from David.  Of course, I cannot use any self restraint at all, I had to read it.  I should just delete my fucking MySpace account again.  Anyway, I'm sitting here thinking, I shouldn't open this, while I'm opening it! I am sort of curious, as I assumed that I wouldn't be hearing from him again.  After all....  I haven't responded to any of his messages.  I figure that .... well I don't know what I figure!  All he had to say was "Never wasted." and I lost it.  I just started crying.  Why the hell do I still let that sham of a relationship have this sort of affect on me.  I really am okay.  I am doing okay, right?  Why do I feel like I am not doing okay right now?  Two words can push me over the edge?  I must be a mental case! 

I knew instantly what he was referring to.  He must have read my blog.  I do not think I will ever understand why he does that.  When you are done with somebody, you should just be done right?  I don't even consider that he might read my blogs, but he does, on occasion I guess.  I've been writing about my feelings for him for, something like, six years now.  I have journals from way back when I moved to Yakima, and they are full of my thoughts and feelings about David.  I should probably burn them now.  I don't know how else to deal with what I feel.  This is how I have always done it.  I write it down.  I cannot understand why he would be interested in knowing what I think and feel anyway.  What I do not understand, the most, is why he feels a need to comment on what I write.  I don't know how I am supposed to feel.  He decided to tell me that my kisses were "never wasted" on him.  Why?  Who cares if I think or feel that way?  It doesn't matter and it doesn't change things. 

I AM confused about my reaction.  I just teared up and it felt as if all my breath had escaped me.  Why am I having a reaction like that, this late in my recovery?  It's coming upon a year!!!!  I wish I knew the time-line for all of this so I knew what to expect from myself and I could prepare for it.  I feel so stupid for crying almost a year into this.  I think about Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless Mind.  I wonder if I would do something like that if it were really possible.  I know what I would be sacrificing, but I honestly think I would do it.  Everything gone, everything.  Just so I wouldn't have to feel like a crazy person; so I could focus on other, important areas of my life.  I know I would lose everything about him, like it never existed.  How could it be so terrible if every memory was wiped away?  Nothing to mourn or feel bad about remaining.  Oh well. *SIGH*  I guess we feel pain for a reason, right?  It's not so bad that I wish it never happened.  I just don't want to keep feeling this huge sadness.  It feels so heavy.  I keep thinking that it should fade, but it doesn't ever get any lighter. 

In a few years I'll be the crazy cat lady, living alone and talking to my 47 cats.  I think I will die alone.  It's probably better that way.  I don't see marriage in my future any more.  I don't see a significant relationship, a partner or anything like that.  I am not afraid to be alone, it just seems like a waste.  I feel like I have so much to give to someone.  I want to give it to someone.  I just never want to do this again.  I never want to question if I am worth it.  I do that everyday still.  What the hell am I worth anyway?  I wish I would hurry up and figure it the fuck out!  I get so close, you know.  Then I doubt myself and I let someone else's opinion of what I am worth matter more than my own opinion.  I always choose someone that thinks I am worth very little or nothing at all.  I know I do it and I need to stop.  See, I am crazy.  I never pretended not to be! 

Why can't I just forget all of this.  How can it be this hard to let it go?  I am glad he is happy.  I am really glad for him.  He found it, good for him.  It just shouldn't be this hard for me.  All I ever wanted for him, was exactly what I wanted for myself, happiness.  He told me that he found it.  So I let him be.  What else could I do?  Nothing; that's right.  When you love someone you want for their happiness.  I loved him so much that his happiness was as important to me as my own.  He told me that he didn't love me back.  I let it go.  What do you do when you are told that?  There is nothing you can do.  You back the fuck off and try to get over it and move on.  I don't know how long it takes.  It feels like it is taking FOREVER!  What if I never get over it?  Will I have to feel like this forever?  Just because I promised to love him forever, doesn't really mean that I have to be in love forever does it?  I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM ANYMORE!  The problem is that I am not in love with him any less either. OY!  I'm retarded.  None of this is, or ever was real AMY! 

I just need a distraction.  Bright, sunshiny days are coming.  I am back on my diet and doing well.  I'm going to start walking regularly.  I'm feeling pretty good.  I need to meet a boy that I won't fool myself into falling for.  I want to meet a guy to do things with this spring and summer.  New experiences.  I want to do things, see things and go places.  I want to do it with someone fun and interesting.  I want to smile and laugh more.  I want to feel alive.  I have let myself feel half dead for almost a year now.  Life goes on without him, Amy!  Wake up, dumb ass!  Boring yourself to death is not working out!  Sometimes I just need a pep talk!

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Insousiantly Crazy

2008-02-17

What is wrong with me?  Why am I always asking this? 

I'm feeling pretty good lately.  My job sort of sucks right now, but not in a really negative way, just a boring and not ridiculously lucrative way.  My home life is fine and getting better as, like I said, I have my space back!  My personal life is barely breathing,  to say the least.  It's my emotional side that seems to be bothering me so much these days.  My mood swings are incredible!  I haven't been super pissed or super bitchy in a while, but I still get pissy and bitchy several times a day.  Mostly my outlook is good and then I get irritated, usually with myself. 

Today was boring, mostly.  Work was lame.  Nothing exciting or fun happened at all.  I was leaving work and I had to scrape my windshield and I thought of David.  Now I still have several thoughts of David every day.  The thoughts tonight didn't really upset me or make me sad or anything.  I just sort of miss him.  I miss him quite a bit actually.  Everything holds some sort of memory of him for me.  The weather, the smell of the air, this whole stupid town.  I get most of the way home and I am thinking to myself, "What are you doing?  When are you going to stop these ridiculous flights of nostalgia?"  I started to get annoyed with myself.  Shouldn't I be done with this by now?  I have decided to not let it hurt me, deep in my heart, but still; wouldn't it be better if I just didn't think on it as often as I still do?

What are the things I think about? Trips to the woods to try to start a campfire.  Drinking wine on a sleeping bag at night.  A campfire at the ocean.  Kisses, I remember a ton of kisses.  Sometimes while I am remembering certain kisses, I judge weather they were wasted or not.  Most of them were, I think.  Mostly, though, I just remember a feeling that I had.  It is getting harder and harder for me to remember that feeling.  I wonder if I am just becoming numb.  It might not be a bad thing.  I miss feeling special.  I don't know what he did or what it was that gave me that feeling, but I do know that it is gone and I miss it.  Perhaps it was just a chemistry thing between us.  He didn't have to do or say anything, just being with him was enough.  It was like looking at the world in a different color.  I cannot even explain it.  It was something I felt, and I miss feeling it.  He never understood that I never got tired of being with or around him.  It must have been hard for him to be around me as much as I wanted to be with him.  He would sometimes say that he could see me once a week and that was enough for him.  I never felt like that.  Just going to work for 8 -12 hours would make me miss him.  Now I am starting to feel sad.  I can feel the yearning I used to feel at the end of my work nights when it was just a few more hours before I could go home and get in bed beside him and rub his chest or back or head.  Gosh, I loved him so much.  I have no idea how I survived this breakup.  I did survive and I AM surviving.  I am also being strong and not giving in to my desire to communicate with him.  I don't want to miss him so much anymore.  Sometimes I think that I should just replace him.  I should find someone else to give all of my love and affection to.  I am just too scared to try that again.  Mostly I scare myself out of it by asking one simple question.  "He didn't want it, why would anyone else?" That usually works pretty well.  I am just not the type of girl that men fall in love with.  It's okay with me.  There should be one, shouldn't there?  One real one that wants everything that I can give.  Where the hell is he?  What is taking him so long?  Perhaps it's just me that keeps taking weird, long detours on my way to him.  It's probably all just a bunch of bullshit anyway. 

I am grateful for one thing, though.  This is my biggest problem in life.  If everyone were this fortunate, our world would be a much different place.  Just as crazy, but in a much different way.  Smile people, our little lives are pretty easy if the only thing we have to complain about is our unhappiness.

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Lesson Learned

2008-02-16

I made it through Valentine's day, Hooray!  It may not seem like a big deal, but I have never really had a great Valentine's day.  The first time that any Valentine's day stands out is my 5th grade year.  We were still young enough to have a class party and give little cards to one another.  Most the kids in my class got the same box of valentines to deliver and most of the kids gave me the one with the ugly pig on it.  I laugh now, but at the time, I was crushed because I didn't even use those valentines out of my box.

The next memorable Valentine's day was when I was 14.  I was madly in love with a boy named James.  I invited him over to my house and gave him a necklace I had bought for him with my allowance.  He invited me to dinner with his family at a local pizza parlor.  It was my first date.  He walked me there and home.  It was silly and fun.  It was probably the only real date I ever had.

A few years back, I was hanging out with a guy from work quite a bit.  He liked me a lot.  He had a dozen red roses sent to work on Valentine's day for me.  That was really sweet and the only time a boy has ever sent me flowers.  Too bad I was in love with David during that time.  I probably would have had a more excited reaction if I hadn't been.

Last year David had been acting sort of mean and shady for a few days before Valentine's day.  He gave me a card, some flowers and a singing stuffed animal two days before Valentines day.  He signed the card "your future husband" or something similar to that.  When Valentine's day came, we had a fight and he left for most of the day and I cried all day.  What I know now, that I didn't then, is that he picked a fight with me on purpose so he had an excuse to leave and spend the day with someone he actually loves, HIS WIFE.   A month later it all made sense and the first thing to go in the trash was the bullshit card and singing dragon; as the night he left he made sure to leave both in a prominent place in my bedroom.  Just to rub it in I guess.  I don't know, but it hurt me.

Now, I'm good.  I've been feeling pretty good all week!  I've been sleeping normally; getting up and getting things accomplished.  My house is coming along.  I spent Yesterday on my hands and knees scrubbing the dining room floor!  It's spring cleaning I think.  It helps that my son's father has moved out and I can reclaim my space as my own.  I'm cleaning and rearranging furniture and I have big plans for the next several months.  I feel ambitious.  It's nice, as I haven't felt that since before David left.  I actually caught myself thinking about David and feeling good about my memories, instead of feeling sad or a huge sense of loss.  I've decided that I haven't lost anything.  I still have everything in my heart and mind.  Our time just ran out is all.  I miss him, sure.  Perhaps I always will.  I had some great times with him.  I had strong emotions and a deep love for him.  Now all of that is over and it is time for me to grow and find something that fits me now.  I'm still cynical about romantic love being real.  Right now I just want to meet someone that I can live and grow with.  Someone that I am attracted to and treats me good.  I don't care if I feel romantic love for him or not.  I will love him the best I can and grow to love him, the way you love your best friend.  I don't want to try the passionate, all consuming, destructive romantic love for a long, long time, if ever again.  It's too dangerous and I want to build my life with a partner, not get fucked over again.  For practical reasons, it's better that I don't develop those deep, intense feelings for anyone again.   Doing so allows me to justify making bad decisions for my life and leaves me wide open to be misused.  I learned a lesson! Oh boy, and how!

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Valentine's Day, annual holiday honoring lovers.

2008-02-14

Valentine's Day, annual holiday honoring lovers. It is celebrated on February 14 by the custom of sending greeting cards or gifts to express affection. The cards, known as valentines, are often designed with hearts to symbolize love.

The holiday probably derives from the ancient Roman feast of Lupercalis (February 15), also called the Lupercalia. In an annual rite of fertility, eligible young men and women would be paired as couples through a town lottery. Briefly clad or naked men would then run through the town carrying the skins of newly sacrificed goats dipped in blood. The women of the town would present themselves to be gently slapped by the strips and marked by the blood to improve their chances of conceiving in the coming year.

As Christianity came to dominance in Europe, pagan holidays such as Lupercalia were frequently renamed for early Christian martyrs. In 496 Pope Gelasius officially declared February 14 to be the feast day of two Roman martyrs, both named Saint Valentine, who lived in the 3rd century. Neither Saint Valentine seems to have an obvious connection to courtship or lovers.

Despite attempts by the Christian church to sanctify the holiday, the association of Valentine's Day with romance and courtship continued through the Middle Ages. In medieval France and England it was believed that birds mated on February 14, and the image of birds as the symbol of lovers began to appear in poems dedicated to the day. By the 18th century it was common for friends and lovers to exchange handwritten notes on Valentine's Day. Printed cards had largely replaced written sentiments by the 19th century. In 1840 Esther Howland of Worcester, Massachusetts, created the first line of mass-produced Valentines for sale. Today, Valentine's Day is second only to Christmas as the most popular card-sending holiday.

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Time for something completely different

2008-02-13

I loved you with the fire red, now it's turning blue and you say "sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you.  - OneRepublic -

Days go by and I start to feel better. The fog lifts a bit and my head starts to clear just a little.  I start to sleep normally again, and it has been months.  I have some energy again and I actually feel good about the future. 

 I spent my son's birthday running all over town looking for a Wii, but alas, there are none to be found.  He was a bit disappointed, but not too much as I promised to get him one as soon as someone gets one in.  Saturday I went to a wine tasting, had lunch with friends, saw a concert at a local bar, had a late dinner at a Mexican seafood restaurant, saw the Mariachi and met with the new guy again.  Saturday was a pivotal day for me.  The band was GREAT!  I've seen them 3 times now and they are better every time.  They remembered me from the last show.  I talked with each one of the guys a little bit and invited them to dinner with us.  They came and I was very excited.  Their video debuted on MTV the other night and they start a European tour next week.  After Dinner I was so tired from being tipsy all day.  I was almost asleep when the new guy called.  I agreed to meet him at our usual place.  Same story.  No sex.  I am sure he thinks I am weird.  I don't know how to explain to him why I keep turning down sex.  I am not sure I understand it myself.  So I guess I'll hear from him in another month, but I'll probably let him come to my house next time.

Good news!  My son's father is moving out tomorrow!  His friend will be here tomorrow night and then he will start staying at his own place.  Hooray!  I spent all day today shuttling him all over town to get ready for his friends arrival.  I will be happy to have my apartment to myself again.  My son is here, but it's different, he's a child and does not get to back talk me.  I am excited!

Six days, that is how many days I had to get my head clear.  I was starting to think that it was all over and done again.  I had my moments of sadness and what ifs and then I just sort of assumed that he decided it was better to let it lie.  I don't know what I want of all this.  It is very confusing.  I was sad and anxious and all of that, but when he sent another message my first reaction was "Fuck, why today?"  I had sort of stopped waiting for it.  Then there it was.  Another fucking myspace message and he makes me look at that picture with him and his baby.  This message is even more confusing than the last.  Let me share......

Read your blog. Knots? If you are so worried about me and how you feel then why was (Your Son's Father) at your house? I wait also for the e-mail or some kind of response from you. It does not matter you write her. You should keep this to you and me. For you know why. FATE? Is that it? It does not matter, No matter what. write me BACK, stop being dumb.

D.

First,  he tells me that he read my blog.  So that automatically allows him to send a mySpace message?  Then he wants to know what my son's father is doing at my house and how that affects my feelings where he is concerned?  He wants me to know that he is waiting to hear from me.  Then what is the next thing?  Is he accusing me of emailing his wife again?  I don't get it.  He tells me that we should keep this communication between the two of us.  What is the reason he is assuming that I know?  Then he tells me that nothing matters?  He demands I write back and tells me to stop being dumb.    Now...... I have no idea why he reads my blog but obviously he's not doing a very good job of it or he would know why my son's father is here.  It's not really any of his business and I have absolutely no idea why he would give a shit about it anyway.  I don't know why he wants to challenge what I have expressed my feelings about him and this situation to be and I do not know why he wants to suggest that because my son's father is here that my feelings on the other subject are not what I say they are.  I don't know why he thinks that I need to explain or qualify any of that.  I simply do not understand why he cares about any of it at all.  Perhaps I am just far too focused on my feelings in this situation to understand his.  I don't understand how he has any feelings for me at all.  I was a fantastic girlfriend, a loving and caring friend, an understanding and faithful partner and his cash cow.  I can see how he might miss a few aspects of our "relationship" but I cannot understand how he could develop feelings where feelings never existed before.  Am I being stupid.  Maybe.  Maybe it is easier for me to think that he never cared, even a little for me or our relationship.  It doesn't make any sense to me how you throw it all away so easily if there were ever real feelings involved.  That is how I justify it in my head and it doesn't matter if it is the truth or not.  That is how I choose to see it, so I can understand it and make sense of it and get the fuck over it.  I could have never done that; I could have never made the choice to end it and throw it all away like it meant nothing.  I never felt like he was nothing and that our relationship didn't matter.  That is why it's harder for me than it is for him.  He's right about one thing, anyway. "It does not matter, no matter what."   I have no idea what he was talking about there, but he's right.  He has a whole different life, one he chose for himself.  Nothing I do or say matters in that life.  When I get to the life I choose without him, then nothing he does or says will matter in my life too.  He mocks me about what I think is fate and he lets me know he thinks I am dumb.  I just laugh about it.  He never will understand me, he never did.  It's not that hard. 

Let's sum it up.  My heart got broken, I let it fuck with every aspect of my life, I don't know how to get over it or move on, I am doing my best but it still feels like it's a long way off,  I have feelings that I don't like, don't understand, don't want to have and do not want to admit to.  I am a normal, healthy woman who was treated poorly and got hurt.  I am not a freak and how I deal with it is NORMAL!  I spend too much time in my head and when I come out I act irresponsibly.  Who cares?  I am doing the best I know how to do.  I just want to be happy.  That is no different than anybody else.  I am not trying to find my happiness at the expense of anybody else.  Is that dumb?  It does not matter, I don't think it is so I'll just keep trying to get myself straight. Will I write him back?  I don't know.  Everyone advises against it.  I have a feeling that he'll just get pissed or annoyed and give up trying.  Either that or his wife will follow his web history to my blog, get into his email or Myspace account and tell him I sent her an email and he will accuse me, again, of sending emails that I never send.  It doesn't matter.  If I am meant to see him again, I will.  I'm not going to force it to happen.  If he is supposed to be in my life then he will be and if not, he will go away.  Either way, I am tired of trying to plan it and schedule it and fit it all into my agenda.  Mostly I am tired of hurting, I am bored of it and I want to do something different now.

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messy anticipation

2008-02-08

Here I am, waiting for him to write me.  It's foolish and it would be best if he did not write at all.  I failed to maintain my self control and I messaged him back yesterday.  I had to laugh because I could not send the message, as I am not his friend on MySpace.  There you have it.  Fate is keeping us parted.  After all these years of me believing that fate was trying to bring and keep us together, it is now holding us apart.  Something even larger than myself knows what is best.  You think that I could have, or still could even, sent a message through regular email.  I cannot, as I promised that I will never again.  There you have it.  He made a mistake, the lines of communication are disabled, and I am stubborn when I believe in something.  I believe that I am bad for his life, his happiness and his joy.  I know it's the right thing to do, to deny him access to me in any way.  In part to care for him, but mostly to preserve myself. I eagerly anticipate and dread any communication from him all at the same time.  It ties my heart and stomach in knots.  This will last for days and days.  Slowly, as I receive nothing, day by day, it will lessen and I will stop wanting it.  I tiny bit of hope will linger, of course; but I will not feel like I am waiting for it. 

Sometimes I wonder how long this cycle will last.  Will it go on for years, decades, a lifetime?  Perhaps this will be the last time.  Somehow it always makes me sad to think of never seeing or talking to him again.  It always feels like a breakup when he stops.  I wish I knew the trick for turning it off.  Every emotion, every tender feeling or thought I ever had for him, I wish I could find the switch that extinguishes them all.  I let them hold me back.  I let them drag me down.  I use them to excuse myself for everything I hate about myself right now.  If I would let them go, just rid myself of them, I could find the strength to do and be what I want.  I am a mess and my life reflects that.

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WAS wrong

2008-02-06

I was dreaming about David when I woke up, much too early.  I started my normal routine, bathroom, kitchen, computer.  I have another myspace message from Dave.  I'm thinking "FUCK! Why today?"  I do not want to deal with this today.  It is my son's birthday and I have resolved to be in a good mood all day for him.  I toyed with the thought of not reading it, but you know me!!! All he had to say was .......

"I WAS wrong. I'm sorry. Will write to you later.

Dave "

I know I'm silly, but I do it anyway and I try to analyze everything.  What is the significance with the capital WAS?  He WAS wrong, but now he's right?  OMG! I WAS wrong, you are right?  Perhaps his caps lock WAS stuck.  Anyway, he's sorry.  For what I have no idea.  For being wrong? okay Wrong for what?  His messages are always so cryptic.  Apparently he doesn't think he was wrong for trying to communicate with me, as he's going to write me later.  I do not get it.  Today is his year anniversary.  He shouldn't be messaging me today, at all.  I don't understand why he insists on messaging me on MySpace at all.  I've repeatedly told him how it bothers me.  I haven't even checked out his page.  I'm sure his wife would not find it amusing if I accepted his friends request.  Dammit, it's all so confusing. 

 Perhaps I should just meet him for coffee and let him get it all out.  I think I can pull it off.  I can sit there while he tells me all about how he has changed so much over the past several months.  How he's such a better person.  He can tell me how finding the right woman has made him such a happier man and how having a family with her has given him a sense of purpose and accomplishment.  He can explain to me all of the wonderful things he's done and doing and I can sit there with a forced smile and a look of understanding.  I can do it, but I am not going to do it today. 

I understand that all is fair in love and war, and I am just a casualty in his.  He doesn't need to justify anything for me.  I don't really want him to feel bad.  I got hurt, yes it's true.  It's natural for me to want to inflict some sort of pain back, but it's just not like me to act on it.  I'm doing okay.  I'm getting over it at a pace that is comfortable for me.  It's not easy.  I had plans and an agenda that needs to be rethought and rearranged.  I honestly believed that he was the one and we would stay together forever.  I thought we would be buying a house, planning a wedding and considering a child right now.  One year ago today, he was marrying another woman and still pretending to be my boyfriend.  Still telling me that it was forever.  Still calling me his future wife.  Still telling me he loved me.  It is hard for me to look back at that and say that because he is happy now, that it makes it all okay.  We are all on a time line.  Five of my prime, child bearing, husband seeking, years were wasted because I was in love with and waiting for a guy that did not have the balls to tell me that I simply was not what he was looking for.  I was a backup plan, a safety net and an "until something better comes along" girl.  I am resentful.  I mostly blame myself.  I saw it all and I ignored what I could, tried to change what I could and just tolerated the rest.  I truly believed he loved me and it would work out.  I was wrong.  I hate being wrong.

I really am okay.  Sometimes I am sad or angry.  I get down on myself quite a bit now.  I try to deal with that the best I can.  I made it through the sketchy parts.  I thought I would die, in the beginning.  I almost let it kill me a few times.  Now it's not that hard, everyday.  I see how far I have come.  I have been the strongest person I have ever had to be over the past several months.  I don't always succeed, but I never give up.  Sometimes I let too much fog in and I lose track of the light.  I haven't abandoned myself.  I also haven't stopped loving him.  Trying to stop seems silly and futile.  I just have to learn a new way of doing it.  This time I have to do it by staying out of his life.  It's just better for both of us.

So....... He WAS wrong.  He now realizes that he doesn't really want to see me.  I hope that is the case, at least.  It's hard being strong for both of us.  I hope that he understands, but it doesn't really matter if he does.  I hope he knows that it will always be a mistake to see me again.  He said it was over.  It's done.

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My sarcasm is palpable

2008-02-05

Work sucked so bad last night that I had to come home and go directly to bed.  Perhaps I have been in a more emotional state than usual, this week.  I don't know, but I cried on a live game last night.  I haven't done that in a long time.  Some guys were just being mean and rude and, for some reason, I let it get to me.  It was like high school all over again.  I know I have put on quite a bit of wight over the past 9 months and I have changed my hair style and color, but that is no reason to make me feel ugly, unattractive and undesirable.  I know what I am and I know that men do not find me attractive.  I know that I am not pretty or anything like that, but I am a good person and I do not deserve to be treated like my feelings don't matter just because I am I am fat and unattractive.  Sometimes people can just be cruel.  Usually, I'd just ignore it, but it just got me, deep down in my heart last night.  I haven't had an experience like that since I was in high school.  When you reach a certain age you just don't expect to deal with situations like that from your peers.  I am 34 years old for fuck sake!  I am sure that dating me is one of the worst things imaginable.  It rates right up there with typhoid and the bubonic plague.  Lord knows, hundreds of men avoid it everyday, as it is a fate too horrid to consider.  God forbid I ever develop a interest in you.  You may have to move out of the country, barricade yourself in your home and take to wearing garlic and carrying a wooden stake.  I, for sure, cannot think of anything worse than spending an evening in my company.  Taunting your friends with the idea of having to do just that and laughing about their horrified reactions to the mere thought of it, is just plain fun and great comedy.  How on earth could my feelings be hurt by such fun-loving antics?  I am, after all, just a huge, grotesque, pitiful excuse for a woman; and even if I had feelings to hurt, it wouldn't matter anyway, because I do not count, I am not beautiful.

Do me a favor men;  tell the women in your life that they are beautiful and important.  Tell them regularly.  If they ever have to deal with a situation like this, at least their armor will be built up and hopefully they will be able to fight back rather than have their feelings crushed and their self esteem bruised just a little bit more.

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there's More to love than we'll ever know

2008-02-05

How long can we wait here
To say goodbye?
The words once they're spoken
Are words that we can't take

Back to where we were, before
Things got in the way
Life gets so confusing
When you know what you're losing

You
Me
Why can't we see that there's
More to love than we'll ever know
Sometimes you're closer when you're
Letting go
I wish the best for you
I wish the best for you

We'll both regret the hurting
That we will do
You'll learn to forget me
And I'll try
I'll try to forget...

You
Me
Why can't we see that there's
More to love than we'll ever know
Sometimes you're closer when you're
Letting go
I wish the best for you
I wish the best

If you ever need a place that you can run to
I'll be here, I'll be here

You
Me
Why can't we see that there's
More to love than we'll ever know
Sometimes you're closer when you're
Letting go
I wish the best for you
I wish the best for you

- Emerson Hart -

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wasting no more time

2008-02-04

Maybe I'm the joker
Maybe I'm the fool in your eyes
Maybe I'm the weak one
Maybe I'm a liar in disguise
Maybe I'm angry
'Cause I'm the one who's always wrong
Maybe I'm not the one who's so strong

Did you think about it
Did you pour it in and pour it out
Could you live without me
Did you ever really have a doubt
But do you understand it baby
When you say it's over, its done
Maybe I'm not the one

So If you're gonna Leave
Yeah you better get going
'Cause I ain't wasting no more time
On what you did, and what you didn't
So if you're gonna leave
Yeah you better start running
'Cause I ain't wasting no more time
On what might have been

We can stand on reason
We can fight about all the things
This isn't forever
This is more than a wedding ring
But do you understand it baby
When you say it's over, its done
Maybe I'm not the one

So If you're gonna Leave
Yeah you better get going
'Cause I ain't wasting no more time
On what I did, and what I didn't
So if you're gonna leave
Yeah you better start running
'Cause I ain't wasting no more time

Oh, did it happen again
With the things that you wanted
From being a friend
How did it happen again
Just look onward baby
Someday you might need a friend

So if you're gonna Leave
Yeah you better get going
'Cause I ain't wasting no more time
On what we did, and what we didn't
So if you're gonna leave
Yeah you better start running
'Cause I ain't wasting no more time
I ain't wasting no more time
On what might have been

- Emerson Hart -

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One Day for Sinking.

2008-02-04

Today sucked.  It always takes a day for things like this to fully sink in.  I am fighting myself in so many ways.  I never responded to his emails, although I did deny his friend request with no explanation.  I simply do not want to see his picture everyday.  This is hard for me.  It's been over four moths since I've communicated with him.  It's been the longest span of time, since I've known him, that we haven't talked.  It's strange to me, but I am okay.  I never thought I would be.  My heart hurts but it's still beating. 

I went to work in a fog.  I couldn't concentrate.  I just kept thinking about those emails.  I wonder why he suddenly feels a desire to see me.  I wonder why he just doesn't ignore it, like I do.  I'd be lying if I said that I never wanted to see him or talk to him.  I miss the fuck out of that guy.  I just think that it's better if I don't.  I am afraid, more than anything else.  I am afraid of how I still feel.  I hate that I still feel.  I don't want to confront it head on.  I feel a little bit pissed that he is doing this.  Everything is always on his agenda, with no concern for how I feel or what I need.  He feels like he wants to see me and now I am supposed to comply?  Whatever.  I made a promise to him four months ago.  I promised I would never email him again.  I have never broken a promise to him.  I don't intend to start now.

I do want to see him.  I don't know if it is my better judgement, or my fear that is holding me back.  Either way, my closest friends think it's a good idea to not ever see him again.  I've never listened to any one's opinion of what I should or shouldn't do, when it comes to Dave.  I've been fighting with myself all night.  I think one thing and then another, then my brain starts to hurt and I cannot even concentrate on the simplest thing.  On one hand, I want to see him and I am curious about what he has to say and why he wants to see me.  On the other hand, I am afraid that it will be too emotional for me and I might want to try to make him feel bad.  I don't want to act like that.  On one side, I think that it may be time to see him, just to prove to myself that I can get over him and that I do not want him and I am better without him.  On the other side, I wonder if it will just backfire and make me sad for another length of time.  I don't know.  It's a hard thing for me.  I don't jump from relationship to relationship.  I have no idea how this is supposed to be or how things are supposed to play out.  I've only had two relationships in my entire life and I thought the last one was "the one". (I actually scoffed out loud).  I do not know how I should feel or how long it should take me to get over this.  The only thing I know is that it still affects me today.  Maybe I will wake up tomorrow and it will all just fade away into oblivion.  We can only hope! 

The good news is that he didn't email me again.  Perhaps he regrets sending them and is relieved that I did not respond.  Sometimes we do silly things in life and do not think things through completely before taking action.  His first email said he was sorry about the other night.  I can only assume that he meant to apologize for stopping by my house and work.  I am glad that he realizes that it was inappropriate for him to do that.  I assume he was acting on an impulse.  Now my son is here and I do not want to bring my bullshit around my family.  My work, well that is how I pay for my family's life, so I do not want to bring my bullshit there either.  I would never do that to him either, so I hope that he realizes that he just cannot do that, whenever he gets some wild hair.  I didn't try to hold on when he left.  I never tried to interfere with his family, although he believes different.  The truth of the matter is, I have done nothing to interfere.  I've done my best to let go of him completely and let him live his life without my tampering.  That is the only thing I have left to do, to show him that I do care about his happiness and well-being.  I can only let myself be nonexistent in his life.  Since I've known him, facilitating his happiness has been atop my priority list.  I've made no secret about caring for his happiness, even way back in the day, when it was just bringing him a pack of cigarettes to work or buying him breakfast after work.  I know that the best thing I can ever do for his life now, is to stay out of it completely.  It's better to do the right thing than do what you want.  I don't want to make any one's life harder; especially my own.

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Three Emails

2008-02-03

Oh boy, it came and with a force that I wasn't prepared to feel.  David emailed me tonight.  Not just once, but three times in total and one MySpace request.  It wasn't enough to send me three emails, but he had to make me look at a picture of him holding his new child.  I've been having such a hard time getting through this, I will never understand the insensitivity with the MySpace thing.  I shouldn't have read the emails.  I knew they were coming.  I think I was almost anxious to receive them.  I should have been true to my word and just deleted them out of my inbox without opening them.  I just couldn't.  I had to know what he wrote.  Curiosity killed the cat; right?  Fuck.  I'm stupid.  I don't know what to do.  Apparently he wants to meet and talk.  I guess there are things he wants to say to me.   I cannot image what they could be.  I assumed we had said everything there is to say between us. 

The problem is that I never wanted to let him go.  He found something that fits his life and his needs better than I did.  I had to let him go, I wasn't given a choice.  I have accepted that, but letting go of everything is difficult.  I haven't tried to hold him at all, but I hold onto something inside myself.  It's something left over from all of the years I was loving him.  I don't know how to rid myself of it and it is very painful to try.  It's an ache I carry with me every day.  I have grown accustom to it.  I don't know how to make it vanish.  I don't know how to turn it into something else.  I try to turn it to hate and disgust, but I cannot.  I try to ignore it, and I have been getting better at that.  Mostly I just get angry with myself for feeling anything about it anymore.  I feel like I should be over it all by now.  I should have moved on and I should be indifferent to everything that has to do with him.  I am not and I loath myself for it.  I hate that I am so weak, stupid and sick.  I don't know what to do to make myself stronger.  When will I be okay again?

He wants me to pick a place and time to meet.  He thinks I have questions and he wants to answer them for me.  He says he misses my cooking.  He says he read my blog.  I don't know why he would do that.  I don't know why he wants to talk to me.  He doesn't owe me anything.  He doesn't need to answer anything for me.  He doesn't need to concern himself with me at all.  he says he thinks I am ready to see him again.  I disagree.  How can I ever be ready for that?  I still feel like someone else is in my place.  I feel like an impostor is living the life I should have had and not doing a better job than I could do.  I know it's stupid and  egotistical to think those things, but I do anyway.  I do not understand why he feels so strongly about this.  He sent 3 emails and a friend request in a time frame of 50 minutes.  He says he doesn't want money.  He says he wanted to see me.  he says that he thought about me over the holidays.  I don't know why any of that matters at all.  It's all the past and if there is one thing that he always was an advocate for, it is  "not living in the past".  I understand that we think about our past sometimes, and hopefully it is fondness that we feel when we do it.  I hope that he has fond memories of the part of his past that I was in.  I hope that he's happy and doing well.  I just do not want to see it, at all, ever.  I feel like a big enough loser.  I just cannot take seeing how well he's doing with his new life.  I don't begrudge him any happiness, it's just that I don't want to feel anymore ashamed of myself than I already do.  I feel like I may have held him back and wasted his time.  While I was doing all of that, I was surely doing the same-thing to myself.

I am confused.  I want to see him, but I know I cannot.  I will not.  I cannot risk it.  I don't want a thing from him.  I do not need any sort of explanation.  All the things I want to know are better left unanswered.  I don't want to know that he thinks about me.  I don't want to know that he liked my cooking.  I don't want to know these things.  Nothing was enough to keep him.  Hell, I never had him.  For me, it was everything or nothing.  I gave everything and got nothing.  It's okay now.  I still hurt sometimes.  I get confused and angry.  I cry sometimes, still.  It gets easier.  I have a life to live.  I don't want it to be pathetic and sad.  I try, everyday to find myself.  Where the hell did I go?  I try to imagine what I could have.  I have a hard time believing it now.  I question if I really want it or not.  I question everything.  I don't know what I deserve, but I know that I do not deserve to feel like I wasn't good enough.  Someday somebody will see that I am good enough.  They will see what I see.  They will notice it and appreciate it and do anything to hold onto it.  When I finally believe that someone can do all that; then I will meet him, and he will wonder what took me so long to get to him.

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Tough Patch

2008-02-02

Dammit!!!!! Ever since the "David incident" he's been on my mind more than he has in months.  I have been talking about him more and I had a dream about him.  Actually, I had a dream that he was dead and I was really upset about it.  I woke up because I heard someone crying and it was me. I feel sort of weird and confused most of the time, lately.  I am doing stupid things and making more mistakes than usual at work.  Last night I thought it would be a good idea to get off early and gamble.  I lost all my money.  I haven't done that in a while and I feel like an idiot.  My son's birthday is in a few days and the bills are due, so I throw all the money I have away!  That's so stupid and irresponsible that it makes me sick.  Oh well, I guess I'll make more.  It's just money.  I've been really down on myself lately.  I am way too fat.  I sleep way too much.  My house is a mess.  I am a terrible mother.  Now I am obsessed, again, with thinking about my "ex".  I guess I am just having a bad stretch.

Good news!!!!  My son's father got his own place!  Hoooooooooorrrrraaaaaayyyyyyyy!  He got a place in my neighborhood and signed his lease yesterday.  he can move in anytime now.  He will probably move out this week, on his days off.  I'm excited to have him not here!   That may sound terrible, but it's been strange.  I do not like to share space with adults that I am not romantically involved with.  I am too old for roommates.  Parenting together is hard enough, but in the same house it's just crazy.  We are always contradicting one another and stepping over each-others boundaries.  It'll be easier, and much less confusing for my son, when we are parenting from different households.  Now I can have a personal life again!

Personal life, I have to laugh at that one.  I haven't heard from the new guy in weeks.  I haven't had sex in months.  I haven't met anyone that I'm interested in.  I don't know why I'm so excited about being able to have a personal life if I'm not really going to have one.  Oh well.  I am going to start having dinner parties though!  Perhaps if I ever hear from the new guy again, I'll let him come over and not meet at a motel.  I hope I do hear from him again, and soon.  I really don't think that I will.

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You Are 4: The Individualist

You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself. You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable. You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt. Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.