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EPIC BLOG

2007-09-23

I could have really used a hug this weekend.  It was so emotionally charged with all of the communication with my ex and all.  I have to admit that I came through it just fine, so far.  I say "so far" because I'm doing my usual thing; I'm dreaming about him pretty much every night.  It sucks, mostly because I often dream that we are still together and I feel happy.  Then I have to wake up and remind myself that it was a dream.  It should only last a few more days before I'm back to normal and I'm hoping that I don't have any of those really stressful dreams where I am crying and hysterical and hurting.  I hate those ones the most.

 I also must admit that he really impressed me this time.  I thought I was going to have a huge problem with him about this phone bill issue and I figured that it would lead to all sorts of negative banter back and forth, but instead he came through like an adult and dropped the entire thing.  It makes me proud of him, something I cannot share with him, but I feel, none the less.  I don't expect any more communication in the future, as all the monetary issues are now closed.  I'm relieved about that, but also sad in a way.  It's very hard for me to let go of this one.  I fell really hard and I was very much in love.  Moving on is difficult and now that there is nothing left to talk about, discuss or work out, it seems the end is finally here.  I'm glad.  I hate feeling like I'm waiting for something to happen.  I hate feeling like I'm waiting for him in some way.  I hate that I still have tender feeling for the guy, but I do and I acknowledge that and I move on.  I'm trying to get as far away from those feelings as possible. 

 I want to be in a real relationship with a real man that really loves me and really wants to be with me.  I've gotten myself into somewhat of a mess on that front!  I've really been questioning who I am lately.  I don't have a clue what I am doing but I AM NOT the person I thought I was.  I don't know exactly what I'm looking for.  I have a general idea but what I am doing is so far away from what I want.  I wonder what the hell I am up to.

Let us back up a few months.  There is this guy that gambles where I work.  I've been attracted to him for a while.  When David moved out last summer I started a pretty forward flirtation with him.  Nothing ever came of it and when David was back for those 2 months I cooled it off completely.  Early this summer I started it up, full force.  I was on a mission to nail this guy.  I know that sounds bad, but I know I am, in no way, ready for a real relationship.  So he's gambling  very often and I'm very forward. One night one thing leads to another and He's kissing me and getting me all worked up on one of my breaks.  I am very attracted to this guy.  He is second only to how attracted I was to my ex. We make plans for hi to take me home after my shift.  Well he loses all his money and starts feeling sick, so he goes home but leaves me his number.  I call and leave a message.  Here's where it gets all fucked up.  He calls the next day and asks if he can come over.  I let him come over but wont let him in my house because it's a mess.  We stand outside talking.  I learn that he is straight up, a drug dealer.  I don't know what I thought he did exactly but I'm sort of naive about those sorts of things.  I already know that he's married but I assume he's separated as he tells me that he just broke up with two girlfriends.  So we talk for a while then he tells me he's having a cash flow problem and asks to borrow a few hundred dollars.  I figure that he has plenty of cash to pay me back and I lend it to him.  When he leaves he hugs me and kisses me on the cheek.  I think he was surprised that I didn't turn into his kiss, but I think I was more surprised about it than he was.  A few days pass and he calls me and wants to come over and chill.  I let him come over.  I should have just jumped on him then, but instead we end up talking for two hours or so.  Now it feels like we are becoming friends.  something I never really anticipated.  he tells me that he needs to take a little road trip to collect some money and asks if I want to come with him.  I am always down for a toad trip.  I lend him more money and he promises that I'll have it back that night.  When he leaves to get read, he kisses me and makes sure that it is not on the cheek.  We never go on the road trip and I don't hear from him for a few days.  Now he owes me $700 and I'm getting pissed.  Every couple of days he shows up and gambles, we chit chat and he always has an excuse.  Then I jump his shit one night about him jerking me around just because I want to fuck him.  I told him that my ex used to play the same fucking games with me and I wasn't going to have any more of it.  I told him he had better get me my money and get it soon.  He fed me a line of crap and I haven't seen him for two and a half months now.  He called a few weeks back and told me that he wanted to get together and that he has my money and i call occasionally or leave text messages for him but he still owes me money, he still wants a blow job and I still  want to fuck him.  When I do actually talk to him on the phone he promises that I'll get my money, but he's so busy and he lives out of town now with his wife, we have a little general chit chat and it always gets around to sex.  It's sort of funny in a ridiculous sort of way.  I like the guy, I want my money back, sure, but I think I want to nail him more than I care about the money.  That's just flat out crazy.  That is not even the worst situation I'm in.  Let's move on to mid July.

  The drug dealer has gone MIA and I'm bored shitless!  I start flirting with just about every Latino man with an accent between 28 and 45.  I actually get one or two interested.  One even wants me to be his Sancha.  (If you don't know what that is, Google Sancho.) Anyway..... I start to gamble quit a bit.  I'm bored of being home alone on y days off and the only friends I have are the people I work with, so naturally I go to work on my days off and hang out.  I have a few drinks play some cards and flirt with Mexican men.  That's my M.O. for a few weeks.  No harm in that except I'm losing money every time.  One night I get off early and I'm waiting for my friend to finish gambling so we can go home and a guy I always flirt with asks me if I need a ride home.  I act a bit coy and ask if he wants to take me home. He says yes and ushers me out to the parking lot and puts me in his mini van.  Now, this guy is married and I know it.  I flirt with him because it's supposed to be meaningless playful flirting.  He had stopped wearing his wedding ring about a week before this.  He's, straight up, a Mariachi, with the pants and everything, so he keeps late hours.  Like I said, he gets me in his mini van and when he turns it on, I shit you not, he's listening to Mariachi music on a CD.  I laugh my ass off about this.  I think it's going to be a harmless ride home, maybe a little bit more serious flirting but nothing major as he's married.  What I find out on the way to my house is that he speaks very little English and I speak even less Spanish.  After all these months of dealing to him you would think I would have picked up on that, but I just figured he was quiet and since he wore a wedding ring I never got too forward with my flirtation.  Now I don't know exactly what to do as we cannot really communicate.  He is several years older than I am and comes from a different culture, I do not know what to expect.  He sort of puts his arm around me, rubs my neck a little than starts putting his hand on my leg and sort of trying to feel up my skirt.  Then he goes for it!  He puts his hand in my shirt and says something about Chi-chi's and I lose it!  I start laughing and thinking "Oh no you didn't!  You did not just say chi-chi's to me!"  He starts laughing too and I take that as a good sign that he has a sense of humor.  We get to my driveway and he seems nervous but he leans in for the kiss and I let him kiss me.  Keep in mind that I am completely sober as I just got off work and he has been drinking.  I did not know he was drunk 'till later.   He kisses me and I think "You know what, fuck it, if he wants it he can have it." so I invite him in.  We waste no time and go straight to the bedroom.  I was probably naked before we got there.  Let me just say that it had been a while since I'd been laid.  I was ready for some action, and I got some.  So we do our thing for a couple of hours and then he has to go.  I feel pretty good about the whole experience and I give him my number.  We've hooked up a few times after that.  The strange part is that we cannot communicate.  We try to have conversations, but it's difficult and humorous!  Here's the thing..... I go out of town two weeks ago.  When I get back he has called and left a message.  I call him back and we try to have a conversation.  He says he's sorry about his English and I tell him not to worry about it.  Then he tells me that he love me.  He actually said "I love you, Amy" and I'm sort of freaked out about it!  I say "You do?" and he says "Yes" and I just laugh and say "Your funny!"  I say that to him all the time. "You're funny"  he is funny, but mostly it's funny that we don't understand one another.  Now I do not know what to think!  He can't possibly be IN love with me.  We can't even communicate enough to get to know one another and besides... he's married and has 5 kids!  sheesh!  What the hell am I thinking anyway?  I am sleeping with a married man that I cannot communicate with?!!!  Perfect! 

 I never thought I would ever sleep with a married man.  The strangest part of it is that I do not feel bad about it at all.  I do not feel like a bad person, I do not feel like I am doing anything wrong.  I never expected to be in this situation and I definitely never thought I could be okay with it.  What is up with that?  What am I going to do if he really does love me?  I do not want to be a home wrecker.  I do not want him to leave his wife.  I am not in love with him.  I like him but he's married and I want him to stay that way.  I figured he'd just get off a few times, feel all attractive and virile again and then just cut it off because it's too risky and he doesn't want to lose his wife and family.  The biggest problem is that we do not speak enough of each other's language to have a conversation about this.  Maybe he just wanted me to know that he likes me a lot and likes having sex with me and the only English words he has for that is  "I love you"; that is what I'm hoping for!

  Then there are two other guys.  One of them I have spent a little time with outside of work.  He comes in about once a week or so and we chit chat.  I don't know about him.  I think he has a girlfriend, but I'm not sure.  He's a few years older than me and seems to be at about the same place in life.  The other is a few years younger than me and HOT as fuck!!!!!!  I don't see him so much anymore as I used to.  I've only seen him at my work.  I've had several conversations with him on my breaks and I know that he's somewhat interested.  I've definitely let him know that I am interested.  He's actually single.  I don't know what he does for a living but apparently he only works 2 days a week and lives with his parents.  He drives a nice truck that he pays for himself.  I'm curious to find out what he's all about.  He's sexy!!!  I let him know.  I wonder how to go about getting him.  I actually like him,  I mean, I am interested in him as boyfriend potential.  He's cool and smart and sexy!  He's Hispanic, tall and bald.  He speaks with an accent and his voice sounds all deep and raspy, sort of like Ja Rule.  He knows I like him and I wonder why he hasn't made a move.  He's a bit shy, but still.  Many people have told me that I am intimidating.  I go after what I want and I am not afraid to just put it out there.  I don't know why that intimidates people but apparently it sort of scares men.  I don't know how else to do it though.  You don't get what you want by waiting for it to fall into your lap and I just cannot play games.  I am straight forward.  If I want to hop all over your cock I straight up say it.  If I am interested in getting to know you and I think you are cool then I tell you that too.  If I think you are a waste of my time and energy, I'll let you know that too, although I'll try to be a bit more tactful when it comes to something hurtful.  I am open and honest.  I believe that the only way to get what you really want is to ask for it.  Then be available to receive it.

  So, I'm confused.  I don't know who I am anymore.  I don't know exactly what I want.  I don't know if I still believe in the things that I used to.  I don't know if I believe in love anymore and if I don't, why do I want a boyfriend?  Why do I want to get married if I so obviously don't respect marriage and I don't believe in romantic love.  Why do my values seem to be changing but I don't feel like a different person?  Were my values ever real to begin with?  Honesty is the only virtue I have maintained.  If I am nothing else, I am an honest person.  I am a better person in a relationship than I am outside of one.  Six months ago, I would have never even considered sleeping with a married man.  Now I'm doing just that.  Six months ago I still believed in love.  Six moths ago I believed that I would eventually be married to someone that I would be in love with 'till I died.  Now I am at a loss for what I believe in and because I don't know what I believe I have no clue where to take my life from here.  Right now, it really doesn't bother me that much.  I do not have to have all of the answers all of the time.  I can just calm the fuck down for a while and enjoy my life.  I do not have to have an agenda and a time table.  I do not have to be anywhere, anytime for anything.  I can just relax for a minute and let myself be.  Hopefully I will find what I need without looking and then I'll know what to do and how to do it.

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6 Months and Still Crying!

2007-09-18

It's been a long while since I've cried over the asshole.  I guess I was just pushing my luck and I was way over due!  It's sort of funny because I have been thinking about him a lot lately and really missing him.  Let's go back several weeks.  I come home from work and there is a message on my machine.  I listen to it and I do not recognize the voice.  Some guy is just talking about random shit and then he says "It's Dave" and I freak out!  My heart just about jumped out of my chest and I felt sort of panicky!  I have no idea why I reacted that way, but I spent the next week and a half or so having dreams about him.  Then I get back to a somewhat normal self and I'm sailing through my life with minimal episodes and even less thoughts of him.  I think I'm doing a good job of getting over it and getting on with my life.  In all actuality, and I know it's hard to believe, but I may be getting myself even more fucked up than when I was with him.  More on those issues later!!  Anyway....  I'm cruising along all fine and dandy and I create a new MySpace page.  I know, I know.  I really hate MySpace and I think it is a terrible thing and all of that, but I have my reasons, none of which included David.  So.... a few days after I create my account, I get a message from David.  When I open my inbox and see his picture I panic and immediately start looking for my pack of cigarettes!  I haven't smoked in something like four months!!  Then, I neglect to delete the message and a few days later he has changed his picture to one of his new child.  I get upset about it and mad at myself and delete the message.  I still have his phone message on my answering machine.  I don't know why.  I start to have all these questions, like... "Why is he calling?", "Why does he have my number and where did he get it?", "Why did he find and message me on MySpace?"  mostly  I wonder why I even care about all of this. 

Yesterday he sent an email to tell me that he wanted me to pay the final phone bill from our life together because it has gone to collection.  I sent a reply that it is his responsibility and I don't think I need to take care of it.  He responded with a guilt trip and an attempt to elicit pity from me.  I got pissed and took an hour to write a response.  Then I started to cry.  I had to take several deep breaths and remind myself that I only have to feel it, I DO NOT have to say any of it to him.  I don't know why I still want him to feel bad for hurting me.  I don't know why I still hope that he'll somehow do something to make it up to me.  I don't know why I still love him.  So I took a shower and cried.  Then I saved the email to draft and sent one that said "fuck it.... I'll pay half, take it or leave it."  I don't feel like I need to pay this bill, but I don't want him to persist in hassling me for money.  I like it better when I think that I'm doing okay because I don't have to deal with him.  I am so pissed that I have feelings and the feelings are bad.  I'm pissed  and I'm scared that this is going to last forever.  I've given up everything to not have to feel this.  I don't call him, I don't email him, I don't try to put myself in places that I think he might be and I have completely abandoned my friendship with his mother so that I do not have to face myself and my feelings on this issue.  Here I am 6 months later still crying over that fucker.  The other day I heard something that has stuck with me.  When asked when the pain of heartache goes away the reply was "If you are lucky, never."  I just want it to go away forever.  How can I feel lucky if it never does?

  Here is the reply that I wanted to send but decided not to....

 

David,
 
  First off the guilt and pity route is not going to work with me.  You chose the life you are living and it is your own doing that got you were you are at.  I do not care about your financial situation anymore.  I do not want to hear about your money problems or responsibilities.  You do not want to pay this bill.  You left in mid march and the phone was shut off in April for non payment of a bill that was accumulated while you WERE here talking to your WIFE every night.  Now let's discuss the other shit for a moment.  I never offered to fix your car the last time.... you made arrangements to have it fixed and basically told me that "we" were fixing it.  I, being under the impression that we were, indeed a couple and would be forever, thought that you were right and "we" should fix your vehicle asap.  What, in fact, was really going on was you were here using me for a free ride and a way to have your car fixed at no expense to yourself.  I am pissed that I was used in this way, David.  You were so completely willing to devastate me emotionally for a $900 repair job on your fucking car!  Was I keeping tabs all these years?  No, but we both know that you took advantage of me, and I feel that is was done with absolutely no regard for my emotions.  I am the only one dealing with the aftermath of all of that.  I had real feelings and real emotion invested and didn't get to trot off to something I wanted more.  Am I bitter, yes , I'd say I am.  What I hate most of all is that every time I hear from you it brings all of this stupid bullshit to the surface and forces me to deal with myself and my feelings.  I hate having feelings that involve you.  I hate that you still have any affect on my life at all.  Just when I think I have myself under control I get a phone message or a myspace message, just to let me know that I am still not okay and then I have to have dreams about you and all the fucking anxiety for another week or so before I can get back to normal.  Although none of that has anything to do with the issue at hand, I think you should know where I stand and why.  It has absolutely no bearing on the situation, how much you cannot afford to pay this bill and how easy it would be for me to pay it.  You do not know my financial situation or my current obligations so do not pretend that you do.  All I am interested in is what is fair.  I think that the most fair thing is for you to take the responsibility of paying it yourself as I took the financial responsibility of EVERYTHING else up to the point of "our" demise.  Obviously, you do not agree that this is fair but you let the amount of money that I make prejudice your thoughts on the matter.  I am willing to compromise on this matter, however, as I am an adult and I hate fighting.  I think it is stupid to fight over something so trivial as a fucking unpaid phone bill.  I will pay half the amount due and that is it.  That is what is fair David, and that is all I am willing to do to rectify this situation.  You can deal with the collection agency yourself and I am willing to mail a money order directly to you.  If all it takes is some more money for you to put me out of your life completely, then you can have it.  You can only have half of what you are demanding; take it or leave it.  Let me know and I'll mail out your fucking money.  I think it is way too generous of me to offer this compromise, but I want you off my fucking back.  It hurts my feelings that all you care about is my fucking money.

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