[A Whole Carnival of Crazy]
I love the things that we should fearAmo a mi amante
2007-10-27
It has been hard for me the past several weeks. I have been missing David so much lately. I feel bad about turning my back on him. It is something I just do not do, I have never done. I know it is not right or good for either of us, to keep myself available to him. I feel bad, none the less though. It's been a rough patch and I have been fighting depression. I spent the past two weeks barely being able to drag myself out of bed everyday. I didn't get much of anything accomplished. Some friends finally came over and cleaned my house for me one night, to try to cheer me up and let me know I was loved. That felt good.
My son and his father finally arrived on Tuesday! I am so happy to have them here. I feel sort of bad that I couldn't make myself prepare for them properly. They are here and we are all trying to adjust and settle into being a family again. It has been a very long time, 11 years, since we have lived as a family. I am sure that my son is really enjoying having both of his parents with him, I am happy for that. His father feels out of place and like a burden. I understand that and I am trying to make it easier on him. He will start looking for a job in the next few days and that should take some pressure off of him. I am not pressuring him, but we both know that we cannot maintain an amiable relationship when we are living together. I am usually the one that breaks first I guess. I am trying really hard to keep control over my emotions and relax and let things slide. I just want my son to be happy. Hopefully his father will be able to move out in a few months. Until then I just want to focus on getting along and being a family. The holidays are approaching rapidly and I think we should have a good Thanksgiving and Christmas. I am hoping that we can get along well enough that he will consider renting an apartment on the same street I live on. That is my hope.
A few weeks ago I had the Mariachi over again. The sex was hot! I had a really good time. He told me he loved me again. This time he said it during and I just sort of imagined that it was because it is the only way he knows how to get his point across to me in the throws of passion. I just kissed him instead of saying anything back. I do not know how to take it. Oh well. Tonight he came into my work. He lost a bunch of money again. He looked all cute and sexy in his Mariachi jacket! He told me that he wasn't going to gamble any more. It's a good idea, he gets in way too deep and he hasn't won in ages now. When he left he pulled his truck up front and made it clear that he wanted me to come over and talk to him. I was chatting with a friend out front. She knew what was up and, conveniently, disappeared. I went over to his truck and talked with him. We have a difficult time talking as we each speak so little of each other's language. He told me he was done and never coming back. That sort of made me sad and I leaned into his truck so I could touch him. I asked him if he was mad. he said no, that he was tired of losing all his money all of the time. He looked sort of sad and I wanted to tell him that I loved him, but I didn't. I, instead, leaned in and kissed him. Right in the parking lot of my work! Now I won't get in trouble, but he IS a married man. I don't know what came over me, but he kissed me back and it was sort of sweet and very HOT!!! I don't know why I wanted to tell him I loved him though. I told him I would miss him, but I am not sure he understood. I will miss him a lot! He always makes me smile. He is funny and so sweet and SEXY! It is always exciting to see him and flirt with him and sometimes get to bring him home. I love him because it's so easy with him. I am not in love with him. I guess I love him like a friend and lover and I wanted him to know that. I do not know when I will see him again and I will miss him. So, to my Mariachi, Te quiero, mi amante. Le faltaré.
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The Good, The Bad.. You know the rest.
2007-10-07
The drama has finally come to an end. It was bad and it was ugly. Ten days and 22 emails later he accused me of emailing his wife and trying to piss her off. The sad part of it all is that I never emailed her. It all started over that fucking phone bill. I should have just paid the damn thing and been done with it. Not only that, I should have made sure I put the half I agreed to pay in the mail the day I was supposed to. So I guess it's my fault. I neglected to send it when I said I would and I told him that he could come get it while I was at work, that I'd put it under a flower pot in my driveway. I got home that night and someone had been in my house. It freaked me out because I always leave the back door open and I have NEVER had a human intruder. So I made another mistake and assumed it was my ex and sent him an email sort of bitching him out for coming in my house. his response to that email was "It was BAD NIGHT i TELL YOU LATER'S Sincerly, David " So I sent him another sort of snotty email about not involving me in his bad nights, still assuming he'd been in my apartment. Two days later I get an email accusing me of sending his wife an upsetting email and trying to piss her off. He told me to not email him any more. I let him know that I wouldn't be communicating with him ever again and that I did not email his wife. Then I get an email from him telling me that he's going to send me one more email. I did not understand that at all. I just told him not to bother. I was tired of the drama and feeling bad when he gets mad at me for something I never did. I told him I would never email him again and not to bother emailing me because I wouldn't read them. He sent one more and I struggled with the idea of reading it and of course I couldn't ignore it. All he had to say was "Yeah, fine..whatever. Sincerly, David " So he agrees and I haven't heard from him in 10 days now.
I immediately started to feel bad. I cried, for hopefully the last fucking time, over him. I've been depressed ever since. It almost felt like another break up. I know that's silly. I can't help it. I still have inappropriate feelings for the guy. That's just pathetic and stupid. It's how I feel and I cannot help it. You know; I'm hurt that he thinks I'd do something like that. I don't lie to him and I have never tried to hurt him on purpose. Sometimes my feelings get in the way of my judgement and I do stupid things, but since he walked away from this, I have kept myself in check. He called my home a few months ago and his number was on the caller ID, there were several times I wanted to call just to hear his voice, but I never did, I just kept the message on the machine and listened to it when I had the urge. I never emailed him in any of my MANY freak out trips. I have never tried to find him online. I have stayed away from MySpace for 6 months and when I went back, I did not try to find his or his wife's page. He managed to message me there just a couple of days after I made my new page, and I still didn't visit his page. I have never driven by his house or tried to put myself in places where I thought I might run into him. I have tried my best to just deal with it quietly to myself. I am depressed and confused about my life and I never brought that to him EVER! I just do not understand why he thinks I would start 6 months after. I don't know why he cannot understand that it is so much harder for me to deal with than him, because I was the one that got hurt, I was the one that believed and I was the one that was actually in love, in the relationship and trying my best to work it out. I was in it 100% and giving my all and it is tough, even still 6 months later. I never try to bring that to him. He chose something else and I have respected that. I want to hang on, I really really do, but it's not right. He is married and I am something he just did not want. I can be okay with that as long as I don't have to be reminded of it every day. I cannot be friends with him if I will always want more. I shouldn't even want to be friends with a person that will never trust or respect me. I just want it to stop feeling wrong to be without him in my life. It is hard to do the right thing when it feels wrong. I am okay not talking to him and stuff, I just wish he'd made that decision based on what was right rather than something that isn't true. Either way, it's all for the best and since We'll never communicate again, I guess it just doesn't matter why he did it or what he thinks of me. Maybe it just makes me sad that I spent 5 years being in love with someone that just doesn't know me at all, doesn't understand the way I love him and never cared to learn. I don't think I can get more pathetic than that, other than whining about it. Looks like I'm at my utmost contemptible pitifulness. Oh, this sucks. I am sleeping far too much and finding, even the simplest of tasks, difficult to undertake. There is hope.
I have convinced, FINALLY, my son's father to move here from Missouri. I need, desperately, to have someone I love near me. There is no better way to fulfill that need than to have my son close to me. He's almost 14 now and I have missed much of his childhood. I am a flake, I admit that. My poor son has been tragically fated to having a flaky mother. I'm not a great mother, but I suppose there are worse. I love my son and I want him here, I want to be a parent and I want to have a family and I think it is important that I take more responsibility in my sons life. I am so glad that his father decided to come, because I need help parenting and I don't want my son to be without a parent. It took a long time for me to talk him into it, but they are coming and they should be here in two weeks or so. I have a ton of things to do to prepare. I am excited about it. My son will be here, just in time, for the holidays. I am so happy and thankful for that. I didn't know how I was going to make it through this year. I can occupy myself with doing what is right for my son. After all, "An idle mind is the Devil's workshop", right? I find that not only am I much happier, but I am a better person in general, when I am working on fulfilling the needs of someone I love. There is no better person to care for and attend to than my very own child. It is my obligation, my responsibility and my delight. I love him more than anything else and it is far past time for him to get what he deserves from me. I'm so excited and happy about this! I wish for time to pass quickly. I miss my boy. It's been 2 1/2 years since I've been able to hug him. I've missed him desperately. This is going to be good for both of us.
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