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Too good to be true

2007-11-25

For the past several weeks I have been making a ridiculous amount of money.  I have been spending it just as fast and I have nothing to show for it.  I never thought I would say this, but it's stressing me out!  I feel so irresponsible.  It cost a ton of money to get my son here, that's true and since they have been here my grocery bill has tripled, at least.  I am paying for everything from entertainment to underwear.  It's not that I mind it's just that I am not used to my money going so fast, especially when I am making so much. Oh well, maybe I'm making so much because I need it to provide for my family.  It is not a bad thing that I am supporting two other people now.  It gets stressful, knowing that two other people are completely dependent upon me to provide everything they need.  It is a ton of responsibility and that is sort of scary to me.  I need to just calm down though.  I'm doing an okay job right now and I shouldn't stress so much.

I've been thinking about Dave.  I cannot help it.  He's always somewhere close, in my thoughts.  Sometimes it makes me sad or mad or just disappointed.  I was just thinking, the other day, how terrible it is to remember things that were so much fun and instead of remembering them fondly, I just get upset.  I have a very good memory, too good I think, and I remember things that I should have seen but missed.  Every experience that I remember, now has a new twist.  I loved him so much and I believed in that love like I have never believed in anything ever in my life.  I believed in that love like I believed in Santa.  When I was told the horrible truth, Christmas morning lost much of it's magic and felt flat for a long time to me.  Now I wonder what to do about romantic relationships.  I have no idea if I should ever have one again.  I do not believe in romantic love anymore.  As much as I wold like to prove myself wrong, I am sure that I am unwilling to take that risk.  I fight a demon every day.  What was I doing wrong that made it so I could not see the truth of my situation?  Why did I ignore all the signs?  Why would I put ALL of my faith into something that just was not true?  Why would i ever put myself in a position to do it again?  There I am.  I'm screwed.  I like men.  I like men's attention.  I like their company.  I like having sex and i like it when they like me back.  I will never believe another one of them that says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.  I am the best girlfriend/wife that ever was.  The problem is that I have never met a man that agrees with me about that.  The one that did agree was lying to me.  I don't know that to do now.  I think of David way too much.  I compare every man I meet to him, in all ways, good and bad.  I wish I could stop.  I still hope to get an email from him every day.  I am also relieved when I don't.  Sometimes I still come around the corner of my street, hoping to find his car in my driveway.  It confuses me that I have these feelings.  He left over 8 months ago and sometimes it seems like it was just the other day.  I am glad that I am starting to forget what his voice sounds like.  I still remember his smell.  Mostly I remember how I felt when he touched me and when I kissed him.  I miss that.  I wonder if I will ever have that again.  I doubt that I will because with him I believed in love and I believed it was true and now I just don't.  It's sad because it felt good, too good to be true I guess.

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My Family & My Private Life

2007-11-24

Thanksgiving was good.  It was nice to have a holiday with my son again.  I really miss him this time of year.  I got up early and cooked all day.  I have made a commitment to eat organic and I tried my best to make our entire dinner organically.  I think it was a success!  I made 2 pies and my son made one.  We used all organic ingredients, it was fun.  I got an organic turkey as well as potatoes and yams.  I made dinner rolls from scratch and they turned out pretty good.  I overcooked them a bit, but other than that, they were good and a success for my first time making homemade bread with yeast. 

Some people think I am silly or being way too excessive for trying to eat organically, but I feel better and it makes me feel good to know that I am providing my growing child with the best possible food I can.  It is important to me that I provide the best things that I can for him.  Not filling him full of chemicals is very important to me.  Don't get me wrong here; we still eat out about once a week and occasionally we get fast food, but at home, we eat all organic.  That is the best I am willing to do, as I want to maintain a normal lifestyle and I have not turned into a complete health nut, yet!  He seems happy and I try to explain why he cannot have certain things like high fructose corn syrup, artificial sweeteners, hydrogenated oils, bovine growth hormone, nitrates & nitrites or soy products.  I think he understands as he is almost 14.  He gets frustrated but he's getting used to it now.  I am glad that there are so many options now in the organic sections of our super markets.  I do, however, have to run all over town and shop at 4 or 5 different stores to get everything.  I know I am doing what is best for my family and that makes it okay with me.  It may be more expensive, more time consuming and require a bit of research but they are worth it.

My personal life is sort of suffering right now.  I do not really feel like socializing with my friends, outside of work.  Now that my son and his father are living in my house I feel weird bringing men over.  I feel weird about going out, I sort of feel like my old life is over.  Not that it's a bad thing as I wasn't really digging my old life and it seemed mostly empty and sort of pointless.  I had an encounter with one of the guys that is interested in me the other week.  I gave him my number and he called 3 times that weekend. I missed the first call, I talked to him the second call and I sort of ignored the third.  We didn't hook up that weekend because it felt too weird for me to leave my son so soon after he'd arrived.  Last week I ran into him again and i explained my new circumstances.  We sat and talked for some time.  I think he's interested in me, maybe he just wants sex, who knows.  Its fun to flirt either way.  Mariachi didn't stay barred for long.  I think he missed me! He took himself off the list about 2 weeks later.  I let him drive me home a few weeks ago.  Things got all hot and crazy in his truck, outside my house.  Finally I gave in and brought him in.  It was strange for me, but the sex was HOT!!!!  Probably the hottest sex I've had with him yet. I was conflicted though.  I know this is my life and the4 way I am, but my son does not need to be exposed to my sex life.  As soon as his father got up I asked him to wake my son and take him to breakfast and stuff so I could get Mariachi out without my son being any the wiser.  It worked, and I haven't done anything like that since.  I am just going to have to plan my liaisons a bit better!  I am mostly a spontaneous girl so it may prove to be difficult, but motel sex is pretty hot.  I don't know.  It's been weeks since I've had a sexual encounter and I am getting a bit antsy about it.  I should try to meet a nice guy and make him a steady boyfriend I guess.  I don't know how to fit all of that together when I don't even believe in love anymore.  I assume it will all work out eventually!

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