[A Whole Carnival of Crazy]
I love the things that we should fearNonconformist?
2007-05-29
| You Are 72% Non Conformist |
 You are a pretty serious non conformist. You live a life hardly anyone understands.And while some may call you a freak, you're happy with who you are. |
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Smokin' Hot
2007-05-29
| You Are Smokin' Hot |
 You're a terrible flirt, a sharp dresser, and a party animal.Of course, you're totally sizzling too. And for you, being hot just comes naturally. |
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My Intelligence
2007-05-29
| Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence |
 You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convincing someone of your point of view. A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator. |
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My Brain Pattern
2007-05-29
Your Brain's Pattern |
 Your brain is always looking for the connections in life. You always amaze your friends by figuring out things first. You're also good at connecting people - and often play match maker. You see the world in fluid, flexible terms. Nothing is black or white. |
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My Hollywood Ending
2007-05-28
| Your Love Life is Like Titanic |
 "Promise me you'll survive. That you won't give up, no matter what happens, no matter how hopeless."You think that you only really have one true love in your life. And that you better to anything and everything to be with that person. You tend to be very nostalgic about past loves that didn't work out. There are many secret feelings that you keep to yourself. Your love style: Deep and emotional Your Hollywood Ending Will Be: Bittersweet |
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Supertramp or Gym Class Heroes?
2007-05-28
Some guy at work told me that the new song by Gym Class Heroes is a cover of a Supertramp song. I though it was funny so I checked it out. Sure enough... he was right!!
So what version is better?
I think I like the new one better.
Supertramp - Breakfast In America vs. Gym Class Heroes - Cupid's Chokehold
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Guys want me?
2007-05-28
| Guys Like That You're Fun |
 You're the type of girl guys brag about knowingThat's because you're cool, funny, and laid back You're smart enough to know how to be one of the guys But flirty enough to know how to make them all want you |
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My Outlook
2007-05-28
| You are a Self-Discoverer |
 You're not religious, but you've created your own kind of spirituality.Introspective and thoughtful, you tend to look inward for the divine. You are distrusting of all forms of organized religion. You especially dislike religious gurus and leaders, who you feel are charlatans. |
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My Friendship
2007-05-28
| You Are a Good Friend Because You're Honest |
 Like it or not, your friends are going to hear the truth from you.You know that the truth hurts, but living a life of lies is much worse. So while you're definitely kind and supportive, you don't pull any punches with your friends. Everyone knows where they stand with you. And what you like and dislike about them. While some may be initially turned off by your honesty, your friends have come to consider it a virtue. After all, in world of white lies and deceptive politeness, you can be counted on for honesty and integrity. Your friends need you most when: They need good advice or an intelligent opinion You really can't be friends with: Needy, emotional people Your friendship quote: "True friendship can afford true knowledge. It does not depend on darkness and ignorance." |
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Forever
2007-05-28
In the brightest hour of my darkest day
I realized what is wrong with me
Can't get over you
Can't get through to you
It's been a helterskelter romance from the start
Take these memories that are haunting me
Of a paper man cut into shreds
By his own pair of scissors
He'll never forgive her
He'll never forgive her
Because days come and go
But my feelings for you are forever
Because days come and go
But my feelings for you are forever
Sitting by a fire
On a lonely night
Hanging over from another good time
With another girl
Little dirty girl
You should listen to this story of a life
You're my heroine
In this moment I'm lonely
Fulfilling my darkest dreams
All these drugs all these women
I'm never forgiven this broken heart of mine
Because days come and go
But my feelings for you are forever
Because days come and go
But my feelings for you are forever
One last kiss
Before I go
Dry your tears
It is time to let you go
One last kiss
Before I go
Dry your tears
It is time to let you go
Because days come and go
But my feelings for you are forever
Because days come and go
But my feelings for you are forever
One last kiss
Before I go
Dry your tears
It is time to let you go
One last kiss
Before I go
Dry your tears
It is time to let you go
One last kiss
-Papa Roach-
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Everything
2007-05-28
Buried way beneath the sheets I think she's having a melt down
Finding it hard to fall asleep she won't let anyone help her
The look on her face, A waste of time
She won't let go, Gonna roll the dice
Losing her grace, she Starts to cry
I feel her pain when I look in her eyes.
I wanna be, I want everything
I want everything
Somewhere she is on the streets trying to make things better
Praying to God and breathing deep
Gotta break this long obsession
The look on her face a waste of time
She won't let go gonna roll the dice
Losing her grace, she Starts to cry
I feel her pain when I look in her eyes.
I wanna be, I want everything
I want everything
I wanna be, I want everything
I want everything.
If I had everything would I Still wanna be alive?
Or wanna be high
If I had everything would I Still wanna be alive?
Or wanna be high.
Now and then she talks to me
And sometimes writes me letters
The look on her face a waste of time
She won't let go gonna roll the dice
Losing her grace, she Starts to cry
I feel her pain when I look in her eyes.
I wanna be, I want everything
I want everything
You know I wanna be, Yeah I want everything
I wanted everything, everything
Your eyes, never close your eyes
And open up your mind
Oh and baby you can have everything, everything
Your eyes, never close your eyes
And open up your mind
Oh and baby you can have everything
-Buckcherry-
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Sorry
2007-05-28
Oh I had a lot to say was thinking on my time awayI missed you and things weren't the same Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me want to die
I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry your blue, I'm sorry about all things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds, and baby the way you make my world go round
And I just wanted to say I'm sorry...
This time I think I'm to blame it's harder to get through the days
You get older and blame turns to shame Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me want to die
I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry your blue, I'm sorry about all things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds, and baby the way you make my world go round
And I just wanted to say I'm sorry... Every single day I think about how we came all this way
The sleepless nights and the tears you cried it's never too late to make it right
Oh yeah sorry!
I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry your blue, I'm sorry about all things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds, and baby the way you make my world go round
And I just wanted to say I'm sorry... I'm Sorry Baby, I'm sorry Baby, Yeah I'm sorry-Buckcherry-Listen Here
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It Just Keeps Getting Weirder
2007-05-20
David and I have been communicating by email for the past week. It's weird, but I realized that I would like to try to maintain a friendship with him. I know that sounds strange after all the pain and hurt I have endured over the past year. I love this guy and just because our relationship did not work out, I find no reason why a friendship cannot endure. He invited me to his baptism and I declined. I sent him an email asking him if it would be okay to send a gift in recognition and support of this step in his life. I wanted to make sure that I was not crossing any boundaries or making him or his wife feel weird or upset. I tried my best to explain to him that I care about him and wanted to be his friend. Then I got an email from his wife.
This was hard for me. I have dealt with a lot of my pain and anger. So much that I think I may have gotten carried away with how much I think I can handle right now. I view his wife as somebody that willingly and knowingly agreed to participate in hurting me. That is a tough one. She is a stranger to me and because of that, I have a difficult time with forgiveness. I am not angry with her as a person, or maybe I am. I just do not understand how anybody can do something to another person that they know will completely devastate them. I couldn't do it. I have the same sort of issues with David, but I know him and I love him, so it's much easier for me to forgive. He has told me how sorry he is many times. That is neither here nor there.
What is it that I am having difficulty with? I think it is a complete lack of respect for the woman. That is my problem. I respect that she is his wife and I will never do anything to hurt her or their marriage. That is as far as it goes for me. I can be friendly towards her but I do not think that I can ever be her friend. I do not trust her and I do not even know her. This disturbs me. I used to trust so easily and freely, but now... not so much. I ask myself this question. Is it possible to be respectful of someone you do not respect? As a person, her opinion of me or my friendship with her husband means nothing to me. As his wife, her feelings about my friendship with him matters because I believe in the sanctity of marriage and hold it in high regard. I do not want to make her uncomfortable, mostly because I do not want to make him uncomfortable. Her comfort and his are closely connected. I feel as though I am playing with fire! Is this as dangerous as it seems, or is there a way for us all to be adults and have it turn out okay?
My intentions are honorable and I have tried my best to make them clear. I value my friendship with David and I want to maintain it. I will not maintain it at any cost, to myself, him or his family. I only want to maintain a friendship that I value. Is there anything wrong with that? I try to find anything inside of me to say that I should not be attempting this. I try to find hidden agendas and dishonorable motives, but there just isn't any. I want to make my friendship available to him and I would like his friendship in return and that is the extent of it. I shit you not, it surprises the fuck out of me! I never knew that I could be so longanimous! I know that I am not vindictive, but this is verging on ridiculous. Where did my resentment go? Not that I want it back. I am, after all, trying to be a better person. Why do I want to make this wrong? Why do I want it to not be okay to be friends? Perhaps I am scared. That has to be it. What am I afraid of? I think I am afraid that I am deceiving myself. How can I claim to be honest and honorable if I am deceiving myself? Let me take a look at that. Do I want him back? Nope. Do I love him? Yes. Is it romantic? Sometimes I feel that way, but I know that it is not to be, so I do not dwell in the desire and I NEVER try to do or say anything in that direction. Do I value his friendship? Yes I do, even though perhaps I shouldn't. Is there anything malicious in my intent? Not that I can find, I do not want to hurt anybody, especially myself. What the hell is my problem here? I have no freakin' clue. I am as honest as I can be. I am practicing my agreements like a crazy person! I have faith that clarity will come. Right now all I can do is have faith that I am doing the right thing and taking the necessary steps to achieve what I want. I do not know what friendship after betrayal looks like, I will have to learn as I go. I have to let go of the assumption that I am not supposed to be friends with people that hurt me. I do not know how to do this, but as long as I am true to myself and am honest with myself and everyone involved, it will be good. Right?
I don't know. Sleep is calling me! Can life get any stranger than this? 
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Tortured Genius
2007-05-19
| You Are 75% Tortured Genius |
 You are smart. Brilliant in fact. And while it's a blessing, it's also a curse.Your head is filled with everything - grand ideas, insufferable worries, and a good deal of angst. |
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My Tattoo
2007-05-18
I have finally decided on a tattoo! This is just the beginning of it, I'm having this put between my shoulder blades and eventually it will run all the way down my spine to my tailbone and around both hips to the front of my pelvic bone. I have been thinking about this for a long time now and every element has a personal meaning to me. I have wanted a tattoo since I was about 9 or 10 years old. Now that I am 33 I have finally decided on something I can feel good about having on my body forever.
It starts with the trinity knot, representing, for me, Mind, Body & Spirit. The jewel in the center of the heart is my son's birthstone and represents my love for my son. Notice how both sides of the heart never join; this represents my broken/incomplete heart and the symbols hanging off of the partial hearts at the bottom are the Sagittarius sing (my sign) and the Capricorn sign (my ex's sign). This signifies my relationship and how important that relationship is and always will be in shaping my life, my future and the rest of my relationships. Also, because the hearts are not complete and face away from one another, it expresses that the relationship is over and have moved on from one another, taking only what we need into the rest of our lives. My friend thinks it's a strong statement to make, but it's important to me that my tattoo mean something deeply personal and it does.
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All I Am Is Love
2007-05-16
Sometimes life is hard in a good way. The other day I was in my garage, looking for my fishing pole and I noticed that David (my ex) had left his car cover in there. I sent him an email to let him know that he could come pick it up while I was gone on Tuesday. He responded to that email telling me that he'd like to talk. I wasn't ready but he didn't get my email telling him that and when he showed up that morning I was completely unprepared! I didn't have time to get emotionally or mentally ready to face him. I hadn't seen him for two months and I didn't know how to react. I found that I could not even look at him. I had a hard time assessing my emotions and frame of mind. It was difficult. He stayed and talked for almost two hours. I said things to him that were probably hurtful. Everything I said was the honest truth and exactly how I was feeling. I tried my best to maintain my agreements. I did an okay job. I was tired and sort of weirded out about having him at my house. It all worked out okay. We did not fight or say things to intentionally hurt one another. I did not cry in front of him and I did not ask all of the whys and how could you's. I am proud of myself for getting past that! I do not need to know the why's and how could you's! That is a great relief! I really am living my life for today and today only! It is true that you never know how well you are doing until you are faced with a situation that you have to put your work into practice! I did well, in my opinion. I was actually happy for him when he told me about the things he is doing and trying to accomplish with his life. It no longer was a situation that I was just saying or thinking I meant it, but I am actually happy for him and proud of him. I care a great deal about this guy. I want his life to be good and happy. I am honestly glad for him that he has found something that inspires him to accomplish his goals. It seems weird that I can be so benevolent in this situation. After feeling so hurt and betrayed, it really surprises me that I can feel a complete lack of animosity towards him. I am very proud of myself! I have worked hard over the past two months and I know that it is working! Plan your work and work your plan, that is what I always say. My agreements are my plan and my plan is working! I am so happy about that. I have accepted that I still love him and I am no longer fighting that. I know that I cannot express my love romantically and I no longer even want to. I would like to be friends with him, but I do not expect friendship and I will be fine without it. I maintain tender and loving feelings for him, but I now know that I can let the rest go. I can get over him and move on from wanting to be with him. I am no longer afraid of not having him in my life. I will be glad if we can maintain a friendship, but I know it will be okay if we cannot. I will miss him greatly, but I will always be glad for what we had. I feel as though we had a good friendship and a worthwhile relationship. Although or relationship did not work out, I do not have any reasons for why we cannot maintain a friendship. I let him know that. I do not expect anything of him. I do not expect him to want or accept my friendship, I just wanted him to know that it is available. I value our friendship and I always have. It is important to me to let him know that. After my relationship with myself, the most important thing to me is my relationship with the people I love. It is a very important part of who I am to let the people I love know that I care and am available for them. I struggle with believing in romantic love, but that does not diminish my capacity for unromantic love. I have a tremendous amount of love to give, it is who I am and what I do best. There is no shame in that and it hurts to deny myself that.
So here I am, still wanting to love him, but putting away my romantic feelings and being completely okay with it. That is how I feel today. I will do my best to maintain that and move in a direction that good for myself. I am glad that he forced that encounter, although it was difficult. I would have avoided it for a long time if it were left up to me. I was afraid of my reaction, but now that it's over I feel sort of silly for my fear. I can only be myself and true to that. I do my best everyday to be my true self and it gets easier and easier for me. Thank god for creating me out of love and putting before me, the information to realize and accept that. The only thing I am is love, it is my true nature and I will not deny it.
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All My Confusion
2007-05-10
Fifteen days and now word. Oh, how it feels like an eternity. Shouldn't it be getting easier? Each day feels more difficult than the last. I try to remember. What am I trying to remember? It was music, and I cannot remember. A pure melody, and it is lost. Sunshine that, now, produces no warmth. Air that I can no longer breathe. My heart, it's broken. Pain seeps from within me, but never runs dry. My love lives on and on. Dishonesty, once my master, has betrayed me and taken another. What for, the sweet lies that captured my faith and desire? In the face of truth they have become transparent. My faith, with nothing to hold it, drops to the earth and becomes dust. I desire nothing more than solitude. To be nothing, to have nothing, to want nothing. I am perfect in my loneliness, as I am perfect in my love. I am the author of my drama, and a willing, yet humble participant. When the rain pours down upon my nakedness it will leave behind a portrait of a perfect love affair. The eternal affair I have with my self.0 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
A Bit Out Of Sorts
2007-05-08
Let me tell you..... the last few days have been extremely difficult for me. It started off with the Cinco De Mayo thing and just escalated from there. I haven't been feeling all that bad about this break up, until a few days ago. At least that's what I thought. Last night, I was feeling sort of down and confused. I just couldn't shake it. I had a couple friends over after work and had a couple beers. I was exhausted when I went to bed. I was just about asleep when a perfectly clear picture of David came into my head. I could smell him and even feel him beside me and I became fully awake and startled that instant. I couldn't get back to sleep for a long time. Today I got up and was on my way to the chiropractor. We were waiting at the coffee drive through and I saw his car. It's incredible that it has taken this long for me to see it, as we live in the same town, but until today I haven't so much as seen him driving down the street. I did not see him just his car turning at an intersection and I thought my heart was going to jump right out of my chest. When I got home later, I took a nap and I dreamed of him. I went to work and it was slow and boring. I was in some sort of strange depressed mood. I just couldn't stand it, so I came home. I thought I might start crying at any moment, but I haven't. I do not know what is going on with me. I have been dealing with this so well and now, well, now I'm a mess! What the hell? It's been two months and I'm just now starting my breakdown?! I cannot deny that I miss him greatly. I will not even try to suggest that I am over him or that I do not still love him. I thought that I was doing so well and now all I want to do is curl up in my bed and never get out. I will though. I will push forward, just like I always do. I will work on myself and wait for a time when I am ready to get what I deserve. I did not deserve to be betrayed and abandoned. I did not deserve all of the cruelty and disregard. I chose to participate in all of that and I hope to God that I never do it again. I believed in something that was never true and now I must reevaluate, learn, grow and move forward. Sometimes, like today, I feel so lost and so damned confused. I want him here to tell me it's going to be okay and just hold me for a little while. It's foolish and silly, I know. He always had a way of making me feel safer and calmer than I feel without him. It was all just a huge scam. I must now learn how to calm myself. I will be okay, I always have been. It's just a rough patch, right?
I'm lonely and I need to be touched. I need to be hugged and kissed. I'm not ashamed of that. I'm not looking for it either. I am in a strange place. I am torn by complete solitude and finding some companionship. I have friends, but I desire a lover and I also want to be left alone. I want to be intellectually stimulated, but I don't want to think. I want to get out and do new things and have new experiences but I don't ever want to get out of bed again. the better part of me forces myself to get up every day and try and the weaker part always complains and wants to know why I'm even trying.
I started my diet again today. In a few days I should be feeling much better. My chiropractor visits have helped considerably. I want to start exercising this week and I may buy a home gym. I want to have my eyes checked and get glasses so that I don't have headaches. I want to get a prescription for that new drug to quit smoking. I'm on a mission to improve my health. I just want to feel good again and my physical health will definitely help my emotional health. I am taking my life back. I do not know where I let it go, but it's time for me to start guiding it again. It seems that I have been adrift for so long that I don't even remember where the wheel is at, let alone how to steer it! I have done this before and I started with my diet and things fell into place shortly after that. The time has come for me to take action. I am up to the task, no matter what my weaker part is saying to me. I have to remind myself constantly that I am NOT pathetic, just a bit out of sorts these days.
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UNFORGIVEN
2007-05-06
I had a difficult night. My mood just kept getting worse and worse and i just refused to implement my agreements. I couldn't figure it out, I was totally being my old self again, the self that I do not like being. I was critical of myself. I was pissy towards my friends and co workers. I was having a major attitude problem and I wasn't making any money!!! I was pissed and I didn't know why. Then I realized!
"it's Cinco De Mayo." I was having an emotional crisis about it. My ex is half Hispanic. He considers this a major holiday. We made plans a few moths ago to do something fun and exciting today. I was supposed to get the day off and we were going to plan something extravagant. I was looking forward to it and then he left and I just forgot about it. I was a bit bummed about it when I got up today but I decided I would just push those feelings away and not focus on them. I should have just acknowledged that I was having them and forgiven myself for being disappointed and hurt and let it go. Instead, I ignored it and denied it and tried to go through the day without thinking about it. That never works. I know that never works. The more tired I got, and the more I let things bother me, the more irritable I became. I'm glad that my day is finally over! I get to go curl up in my big comfy bed and sleep it all away! I was sort of hoping that he would send me an email today, but nothing. I know it's better this way. I thought about him a lot, way too much, today. I miss him and I can't really help it. I love him and enjoy him, but I just cannot forgive! I don't understand why not. Is it myself that I am still punishing? Perhaps it is. If I don't forgive him I will be forced to continue to deal with it and not let it go. It is hurtful to think about and brings up so many painful emotions. I am doing it to myself!!!! I forgive myself for doing it, but I could stop having to forgive myself if I would just forgive him and put it all away! I must work on that! I keep thinking that I have forgiven him, but I haven't. I cannot keep doing the same things and expecting different results! I must find it within me to forgive him! I am the only one suffering from my inability/unwillingness to forgive. I keep thinking, "why should I? What he did was unforgivable." That's just not true. By not forgiving him I force myself to relive the pain over and over again. It's not right and it's not good and I just don't like it! I am better than this and I deserve better than this! I keep trying to justify all of this by telling myself that if I forgive then I will be vulnerable to it happening again and if I hold on to the hurt and pain then I will not forget and I will not let it happen again. It's not true! I have to find a way to make myself believe that. I need to trust myself to love and respect myself enough to never get treated that way again. Holding on to it makes me live it over and over and over again! I do not need it. It does not serve me. It is a LIE that I need it to make me strong. I am strong and I need to grow. I must let this go to continue my growth. I'm looking for an answer, a strategy, a plan of attack! Cleaning up my garbage is a hard task. I keep getting sidetracked and distracted. I do not want to live in this mess any longer!
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HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!!!!!
2007-05-05
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By Your Side
2007-05-04
you think I'd leave your side baby
you know me better than that
you think I'd leave you down when you're down on your knees
I wouldn't do that
I'll tell you you're right when you want
ha ah ah ah ah ah
and if only you could see into me
oh when you're cold
I'll be there
hold you tight to me
when you're on the outside baby and you can`t get in
I will show you you're so much better than you know
when you're lost and you're alone and you cant get back again
I will find you darling and I will bring you home
and if you want to cry
I am here to dry your eyes
and in no time
you'll be fine
you think I'd leave your side baby
you know me better than that
you think I'd leave you down when you're down on your knees
I wouldn't do that
I'll tell you you're right when you wrong
ha ah ah ah ah ah
and if only you could see into me
oh when you're cold
I'll be there
hold you tight to me
when you're low
I'll be there
by your side baby
oh when you're cold
I'll be there
hold you tight to me
oh when you're low
I'll be there
by your side baby
- Sade-
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Love is all around me
2007-05-01
I cannot sleep! I'm just laying in bed thinking about David. It's so silly. I never did respond to his email and he hasn't emailed again. That's all good. I keep thinking about the last few months and all of the signs that I ignored and missed altogether. I forgave myself weeks and weeks ago for all of that. I just don't understand why I still haven't let it go. I keep wondering what step I'm missing to get past this. I do not feel devastated like I did almost a year ago when he left. Perhaps I'm still hurting, but why? He was only being who he is, and he treated me the only way he knew how. I can understand and accept that. It bothers me that I put all of my faith into a lie. I trusted my love for him and I had faith that things would work out. I based my faith on not only my own feelings but all the bullshit he told me. I feel foolish. Every time I start to blame myself, I take a moment to stop and forgive myself. I loved the only way I know how. How could that be wrong? I forgave every perceived injustice and violation. I opened myself completely and tried my best to communicate my concerns and desires, as well as my insecurities and fears. I loved without condition. When I was faced with a problem, I asked to be heard and treated differently. I was understanding and, perhaps, too lenient and accommodating. That is how I love. I am a good person and any man would be lucky to have me as his girl. Now I am wondering if I am afraid to ever love like that again. Am I afraid of being hurt? I believe in love. I just do. Why would I be afraid of it? I am not afraid of loving. Perhaps I'm afraid of believing I am loved and finding out it is not true. I have likened this experience to being a devout Christian, dying and finding out that there is no God. That is extreme, I know, but it feels that extreme to me. Where do you go when you have put all of your faith into something that is not true? I have no idea! Is romantic love true? The love I felt was true. I have to believe that love does exist on a romantic level. Will I ever find that kind of love reciprocated? If I do not, can I be okay with that? If I'm not looking for it, will I find it? I have so many questions to wade through. I'm doing okay. I am still feeling mostly indifferent to almost everything. Whatever comes to pass will just come and pass. I think I am only halfheartedly steering in a direction I want to go. I want to be happy with myself and I think that I am mostly there. I cannot find anything that I am completely ashamed or hateful of. That is a huge change for me. Lately I have inspired several people around me. I enjoy that because, not only does it remind me of my greater good, but when I start to revert back to my old habits of self defamation, I am quickly reminded, by these people, of who, what and how I want to be. It's good! When we are ready to receive what we want and need, it is presented to us. My task now is to rid myself of the conditions I place on what it is supposed to look like so that I do not miss it! Love really is all around me and my love is all over the place as well. Eventually I will want, and be ready for another relationship. When that day comes, I will have it and it will be fantastic.1 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
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