[A Whole Carnival of Crazy]
I love the things that we should fearThe Silliest Correspondence EVER!! (explicit language)
2007-03-29
I sent him the email I struggled so hard not to send since this whole fiasco took place. I sent it and I know why I sent it. I am angry! I want to voice that anger. I am hurt and I want that hurt to be known. Mostly, I wanted to hurt him back. It's a terrible thing to want to hurt something you love. My email.....
You DO NOT need my "help" you want my money so you can go fuck around. You don't have gas... too fucking bad, I don't have a running vehicle. You chose your welfare lifestyle, now live it. I didn't want to get bitchy with you, but maybe it's the only thing you can understand. You don't give a fuck about me at all, you just want my money. It's been the same fucking story for 4 years now. You ended this... let it die. You betrayed me, you made me an unknowing adulteress and then you ran away like a coward. You couldn't even treat me with the slightest human decency or respect. You didn't give me a chance to say anything and you couldn't be man enough to explain things to me face to face. What makes you think it's okay to ask me for anything after all of that? You used me and then you stole from me. Now you want my help so you can go play around. Well fuck you. I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my life, once again, after you came in like a bull in a china shop. You need to leave me the fuck alone, so that I can move on with my life and forget that you ever existed. You are pathetic and a sorry excuse for a man. I'm ashamed of myself for ever believing in you. Now I'm pissed off that I let myself write this. I'm trying to be a better person, after all of this. Obviously I'm not there yet. This asking for money stops now. I will block your emails if I have to.
I felt bad while I was writing it, I felt bad about sending it. I felt bad because it was wrong. I felt bad because I know better. I felt bad because I don't want to cause him pain. I did it anyway. I did it because my emotions are still the things that are leading me. I love a man that treated me poorly. I put all of my faith and devotion into him and our relationship. I knew from the beginning that it was pure, everlasting and unconditional love, on my part. I knew it and I still know it. My struggle is not for the love I feel, but for the will to not act on it. Just as I struggle to not act on the pain, I struggle to not act on the love. Because of the circumstances, it is easier for me to justify acting on the hurt and anger than it is to act on the love. I cannot and will not display my love for a married man. I was dreading his response to that email. When it came, it was no surprise to me what he had to say....
Yeah right!!!! A better person!!! Your pretty far from it with that e-mail.
I do need gas and it's not to go run around. Belive what you have alredy
created in your mind, I dont care. Cause nothing I can say to you will
matter. You want to talk face to face so you can say your piece, then fine,
tell me when and where. But dont mistake me for some kind of stupid ass. You
call me pathetic and sorry excuse for am man...well I knew you would feel
like that so it's not anything new. I go to church every sunday and ask for
forgiveness every second. I pray everytime I eat. I'm devoted to God and I
KNOW THAT makes me a better MAN. Your emtion's are taking over your
senseability. I still know you and know you are someone that can and likes
to help other's. All I was asking for was a few buck's to get to an
interview, that's all, no more no less. I see that you are running a fast as
I did. That's fine, whatever. Go ahead and block my e-mails. You wont be
getting anymore from me anyways. Your right, I DO have my family to look
after. That's what I have been doing. I just needed a little extra for the
gas. Sorry it was to much for you to handle or ask for. Have a good one.
Sincerly,
David Phillips
Guilt.... that's what I feel. That's what always works if you want something from me. Guilt is something that is so personal, you really have to know someone to get to them in that way. I haven't told him that I still love him, but he knows. He knows that with that love comes the desire to help him and make his life easier. He knows that by telling me he needs my help and is asking for help, that I will naturally feel guilty if I do not. That is a struggle for me as well. I told him I couldn't help him and told him to quit asking. He told me that he needs my help and he will keep asking. I sent the bitchy email.
So after the bitchy email, his uncle called and left a msg for him to call back. I sent another email telling him his uncle called and gave him the number. His response.....
I got the messege. Thanks. I hope it was not to much trouble or a
inconvenance in your life and you had to stop what your doing to help me
out. That's the last thing I know you want to do. I'll be sure to let
everyone know not to call over there for me. Have I got any mail?? If so let
me know so I can pick it up. I left some thing's in the garage and I need
them. Let me know if it's NOT to much trouble.
Dave
So now I feel ashamed of myself for the bitchy email, guilty for not helping and frustrated about this whole correspondence. I know there is nothing in my garage that he left or could possibly want. It's getting sillier and sillier by the moment. I'm feeling all emotional and this is how I handle it.
David,
No matter what you say about me, I am trying. Sometimes my emotions get the better of me, it's true. I really don't need the guilt trip. I don't know why you cannot understand how much all of this has hurt me. I'm not perfect and I have feelings. I don't feel good about saying mean things to you. I was dreading your response to that, and I was hoping that I wouldn't get one. Don't think you know me or anything about me. You never saw the real me and I'm almost grateful that you didn't. Your life and what you are up to is none of my business. I don't want to know. I don't want to think about you and I don't want to feel anymore. I wish you had talked to me before all of this happened. I wish that you had been able to let me in on your thoughts and feelings, not so I could try to change your mind, but so I wouldn't have to feel so betrayed and hurt and angry. I never wanted to be someone you hate or despise. That's all the past now and it's neither here nor there. We have nothing to talk about now. I have said all I need to say to you. I do not need to understand you and I do not have a need for you to understand me. I am coming to terms with my own grief concerning this situation and I am learning to be me without you or the hopes of you. I am not ready to see you. I am not ready to look at you or hear your voice. I just want to be left alone for a while. I don't appreciate your little jabs about things being too difficult for me or a problem for me. I'm not a horrible person, I'm just someone who is dealing with a huge amount of hurt right now. Just like you, I am trying to take care of my life. Unlike you, I didn't get to line up a new one before I had to let the old one go. All I ask is to please, take into consideration that I have feelings and they are raw and tender right now. Keep in mind that everything I have ever done for you was because I loved you, now I cannot give or do the things I always have. If you truly live for god, then you know why I cannot. As for your mail, I have misplaced the mail key, but as soon as I find it I'll send you any mail you receive here. There hasn't been anything yet. I don't know what you left in my garage, but if it can wait then please let it. If not, we can work something out. I'm not a monster and I'm not trying to make things difficult. I just need some time for this hurt to pass.
Then he pretends to understand. I've been in some form of a relationship with this guy for five years now. I know him and I know him well! He's a bullshitter, a liar and a user. I don't say those things because I'm angry or hurt. I say them because they are true and I could sit here and cite instance after instance that would prove that statement. I'm feeling a bit better that I said what I needed to say and I'm not really feeling concerned about him understanding it or not. Then he replies...
I know what you did for me was out of love. I'm not a monster either. You
want this time...okay. I just asked for a little bit of help. It was to much
to ask at this piont..fine. I AM a man of GOD and I do know why. I guess
there is nothing left to say. Let me know about the mail and the stuff in
the garage can wait. Just keep in touch and let me know. Be good and take
care.
David
A little bit of help...... that just eats me up and I have to send a response of course. I tell him that I was wrong when I said that I didn't need him to understand. Somehow I feel like I need to explain it. I tell him that I cannot display love for a married man. I tell him that I have to feel whatever it is that I feel because feelings are not a choice. I tell him that I will not be continuing this correspondence, but I will send his mail if he gets any and if he thinks he needs something from the garage, to tell me what it is and I'll make arrangements to get it out and not be around when he comes for it. When I hit the send button, I feel it. I feel the break. I feel it and it is strong and it is painful and I cried. I know that there is nothing left to say, nothing left to salvage and the break was not clean. I will mourn the loss of my friend, my lover and my hope. But.... Hope springs eternal, right?!!!
| Hope springs eternal in the human breast; Man never Is, but always To be blest: The soul, uneasy and confin'd from home, Rests and expatiates in a life to come. -Alexander Pope, An Essay on Man, Epistle I, 1733 |
What is my life to come? Have faith, little one. Your desire for your one true and lasting love, your husband and the one you adore will be presented to you when you are ready to receive him. In the mean time...... I will learn and grow. I will face my fears and hurdles with courage and faith that I will have what I want. I will prepare myself for him and when he arrives, he will be the luckiest man on earth.
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I'm A Dick!
2007-03-29
American Heritage Dictionary - Cite This Sourcedick 2   (dĭk) Pronunciation Key n. Vulgar A person, especially a man, regarded as mean or contemptible. |
I'm a Dick! Or, whatever the female equivalent of that is. I let my emotions get the best of me and I sent him a nasty email. I told him that he was pathetic and a sorry excuse for a man. I meant it at the moment I typed it, but I don't really think that or feel that way. I'm hurt and angry and so very confused. I feel lost and empty and I'm pissed as hell that he doesn't. I didn't deserve this but I allowed it to happen anyway. I misunderstood my motivation. Now I find myself praying, actually praying to god or whatever, that I will be strong enough to let this pass, to let it go and to free myself from the chains of heartache. I am ashamed of myself for sending that email. I knew I would feel that way and I sent it anyway. Like the song says "I cheated myself, Like I knew I would." I've been doing that for a long, long time now. It's something I ignored and something I wasn't always aware of. Now things are different with me. I am aware and I am no longer ignoring, but my behavior hasn't really changed. Isn't that the whole purpose of this self exploration? Not only to know and recognize what I am doing, but to change the things that aren't working or that I do not like?!! Jeez Amy!!!! Get a freakin' grip!!!!! Even though it's recent, it's still the past. Let it go!!!!! Even fresh wounds will heal, if you care for them and let them heal. Be brave, my darling. Languishing in self pity and misery is the easy thing to do. Easy is not your style. Pick your ass up, girl and find your spirit and your strength. It's in there, just let it out of it's cage.
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It's SPRING! Where's my Romance??!!
2007-03-25
I responded to his last email with... The right thing to do is stay out of your life in every aspect. I must not interfere and I will not.
I think that says enough. It's simple and to the point. I'm hoping that by saying that, these emails will end. I must be honest though. In some sick way, I keep wanting to get an email from him. I don't know exactly why I don't want to let it go completely, but I think that I am almost there. Now when I think of him I feel nauseated! I laugh but it's not really funny. I want to stop loving him, but does love ever really end? It can change, that is for sure, but I just want it to go away for good. *sigh* Oh well. I'm doing everything I can to move on with my life. I need to stop answering his emails, but we'll see if I do or not. It may not be right, but it's honest and I can feel okay with that for now. I have to keep reminding myself that I DO NOT have to act on my feelings and I am getting so much better at it! It sort of feels like lying to me. Denying my first instinct to act on what I feel is not something I am used to. I have to remind myself that being honest with myself about what I feel and acknowledging my feelings is enough. Deciding when it is appropriate to act and when it is not seems to be more of a challenge for me.
The weather is sunshiny and nice. I want to be out enjoying the springtime. I am longing for a romantic getaway to the beach, but alas, I have no romantic prospects. It's funny how the springtime brings feelings of romance to the forefront of my mind. I notice that, while I sit and daydream, I am thinking of things like holding hands and kissing, sharing private jokes and flirting. I am glad to say that I am no longer imagining myself doing these things with "him". That is HUGE for me. For 5 years it's been only "him" in my fantasies. Now it's just a faceless man and more about me experiencing the things I seem to have been missing out on for much too long. It's been two weeks now and I am starting to open up to the possibilities of casual dating. It's sort of scary, but I really want to meet someone who will treat me nice and with respect. I don't need to get serious any time soon, but having someone show me the attention and care I deserve and crave would be nice for a change. There are so many things that I want to do and see. There are so many things I want to experience. It amazes me that I have waited so long to just go do it. I feel like a improved version of myself these days! Quite often I feel very light and almost giddy. This is almost how I felt 5 years ago, when I first moved to this town and was making the first huge change in my life, ever. I feel optimistic and excited. It's nice to feel that way about my entire life and self again.
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He told me to "grow up"
2007-03-24
I've been trying my best to let the anger subside. Sometimes I let it get the best of me. Sometimes it gets really difficult. Today "he" sent me an email.......
Whatever!! You are just choosing not to. Dont fucking worry about it. Come
to you for help and this is what I get. Thanks. Grow up.
Dave
I am not surprised that he chose to respond with anger and guilt. I am surprised that I am still so affected by what he says to me. He knows me well and he knows my weakness. I have to remind myself that by not giving him money it does NOT make me a bad person. Reacting to his anger with anger would make me feel bad about myself. Reacting in a condescending tone would make me feel bad. Not reacting at all will frustrate me to no end. I don't know what to do. I cannot explain to him the reasons why I choose to "not help" him, without sounding condescending. He wouldn't understand anyway. I don't want him to think that I'm just being spiteful, but I don't know how I can possibly make him understand. Although I would like him to understand, I do not feel like I need him to understand to be okay with this situation. I know I am doing the right thing. I must stick to what I believe to be right and true. The right thing to do is to stay out of his life in every aspect. I love him and I can love him all I want. I just cannot act on it, I must not interfere and I will not. Now I have decided that I must tell him that.
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I should be napping but sleep alludes me!
2007-03-23
I should be napping. I got up way to early to work 10 hours until 6 am! Every time I try to lay down and try to nap I start thinking about "him". I'm not all sad and the anger has sort of faded a bit. I keep wondering what he's up to. I wonder if he's happy or upset. I wonder what the future holds for him. I think back on the things he's said and the things he's done and I wonder how we got to this point at all. I keep thinking that I shouldn't be thinking about all of this, but I am and I don't feel bad about it. I miss him. I want to see him or hear from him, but at the same time I do not. I know that I am still in love with him, even after all of the horrible things. I know that doing nothing about it is the best thing for both of us. I keep hoping that it will fade away and I'm sure that someday it will, but that day is not today. I was so sure that he was the one. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I loved him no matter what. I still love him. I don't know how to put that away. I know that all of the anger and hurt will pass, but will the love? It doesn't matter that he didn't love me too. I mean, that it doesn't diminish my love for him in any respect. Everything I felt for that guy was true and honest and remains. How could I have been so blind? I wasn't blind. I just had so much faith that it would all work out. I know that love just isn't enough, especially when it's one sided. I never considered that it was one sided until he told me that he had married another while living with me. Then I knew. Somehow I can understand exactly what happened. I am where he wants to get and she is where he's at. It's just too bad. I have a lot going for myself and I have so much to offer. I know that I will, someday be a fantastic wife. I am a fantastic girlfriend. Parts of me want him to realize he's made a mistake and regret it for the rest of his life, but the better parts of me hope that he doesn't and that he can find happiness. I know I have nothing to do with that and I cannot make a difference. I hope that the time he spent knowing me taught him something good and worth while. I hope that eventually he can see in himself all that I see in him. He's done horrible things, but he's not a horrible person. My friends would disagree, but they care for me and they know how much I've been hurt. I want so badly to move on from all of this. Sometimes I feel so empty that it hurts. I'm confident that things will work out. I will get it together and I will be happy. I'm not a patient person. I want to be free right now. I know that I must go through my paces and take each step with care and understanding. I'll get there and when I do, I'll appreciate it that much more because of all of this. When he finds me, he will know that he has something special and he will cherish and adore me for all that I am.0 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Rearranging my home, Rearranging my Life!
2007-03-23
6:48 in the morning and I'm wide awake. Damn. I'm going to have to take a nap before work tonight.
I've been doing a good job of keeping myself busy this "weekend." Wednesday, I spent the day with a good friend of mine. We took her little boy to the park, fed the ducks, walked around and let him play. We hung out at her house for a while then went to dinner. MMMMMMM Chinese!! When I got home I was exhausted! I fell asleep early and got up early yesterday. I spent the day with My good friend Dan. He drove me all over town to pay bills. I got inspired to change my apartment around. We looked at furniture and went to Home Depot, Pier 1 and Shopko. I bought a new computer desk! When I got home I decided to get to work on redecorating. I assembled my computer desk and Dan helped me run the Internet cable to the other side of the room. He's such a good help! Then I assembled a bookcase that I bought a few days ago and started rearranging my wall art. I ran out of steam and fell asleep around 10pm or so. I forgot to eat and I woke up just after 5 am, starving!! I'm trying to stay on my diet, but it has been so weird lately and I've just been blowing it off. My house is a Disaster! I need to finish rearranging and then I have to really CLEAN! I hate cleaning! I've decided that I want to change my environment so that, maybe, I can stop feeling like he's missing. We chose this place together and we never really did much to decorate. We always put off buying furniture and things in favor of having fun or paying for all his bullshit. The six months that he was gone, I didn't do anything to the apartment, except rearrange the furniture in the bedroom. I was waiting for him to come home, so we could get things back on track. Well he came back for a minute and things never got on track. This time he's gone for good and I'm not going to sit around and feel sorry for myself. I am taking action and making my life better. If that means changing the entire feel of my apartment, then good! I hate moving and until I decide to move to Seattle, I'm going to make this apartment my home, my refuge, my sanctuary. I'm not afraid of being alone. I get lonely and I miss the good parts of my relationship, but I am strong and self sufficient. I don't want to feel like I'm waiting for the good shit to start. THIS is my life, and if I want it to be good and feel comfortable, then I need to make it good and comfortable. The next few months, I'll be working on my environment. I want to walk into my apartment and feel like ME, not the lonelier half of US. I'm working on my self from the inside, and now I've taken on the project of working on myself from the outside as well. It's exciting.
Today, Dan and I have plans to go look at more stuff. I want to go to Costco and price flat screen TVs. We'll probably hit a few furniture stores and i may decide to buy something. I have about an hour and a half to get my Living room straightened out. He takes his children to school at 8:30 and then we'll be off for more exciting shopping! Hopefully I can decide what I want to accomplish as far as the look and feel of my apartment is concerned. Perhaps the window treatments will be my next little project! Now I must get this room put back in order and decide what it is that I'm going for. I'm off to move furniture!
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My Anger, My Lover & My Attitude (explicit language, adult content)
2007-03-21
I'm feeling angry and I want to hurt him. I want to tell him all of the things that I know will make him feel bad! I'm having a hard time refraining from doing just that. I've tried to occupy myself tonight. I'm a bit buzzed from a few drinks. I'm so freakin' mad! I'm so mad that I walked home from the bar. The walk didn't help. He sent me an email today saying "PLEASE" in reference to his earlier request for money. My only reply was "I cannot, you must not ask again." I wanted to tell him to fuck off!!! Take the matter up with your wife asshole!! How dare you even ask me for anything, after so maliciously deceiving and betraying me? What the fuck are you thinking? You chose your low class, white trash welfare life; now go live it with your low class, white trash drug loving wife. Leave me the fuck alone, and never speak to me again you low life piece of shit, asshole mother fucker!
He hurt me so bad. He told me that he'd never hurt me like this again and then he did EVERYTHING he said he wouldn't. I've been trying so hard to just let it all go. I've been trying so hard to be okay with myself. I'm lonely and I'm hurting and I'm sad. I'm so angry. I don't know where to put it. I'm not violent and I'm not vindictive. I want to hurt him. I want to yell and scream and verbally assault him so bad that it will make him want to crawl into a hole and die. I won't allow myself to act that way.
So, I was writing the first part of this last night, when I got a call from my "lover". He kept me occupied for the 6 months that I was single before I let "the jerk" come back. I went over to his house and spent the night. I must say that I really needed an attitude adjustment, and that was just what I got! It's funny how a bit of attention can change my mood completely! I feel better and know that I will eventually let all of this anger go. My life is easy and most of the time it's pretty good. I'm glad he called. I needed a distraction from my thoughts and he's also a good friend. He listens and he does not judge me at all. It's nice to be treated nice. Today I'm okay. I have calmed down and I'm feeling pretty darned good!
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Ahhh, & the difficulties crop up!
2007-03-19
I wish there was a guide book, some sort of instruction manual, to look up the answers for when things get difficult in your heart. Here I am, a week, seven whole days, into my breakup. I feel like I'm doing okay. Really okay and I feel fine. Then I get off work early. I'm a card dealer. I get off work and decide to have a beer and try my luck at gambling. This is something I rarely do, as I have a gambling problem! It's not much of a problem if i do not start putting down bets, but if I start and I lose, I always find myself digging a hole so deep that I cannot get out of. I will gamble away all of my money. Tonight was no different. I started playing like a normal person, only betting what I feel comfortable losing. I was doing okay and then.... all of a sudden, I was pulling out $100 bill after $100 bill. Eventually I was in $400 and I was scared as hell that I was going to lose it all and pull out the rest of my cash. Fortunately I got it all back and ended up winning $10. That's not the point. The point is I was willing to let myself lose over $400 and then feel bad about myself, really bad, for about a week over it. I make a lot of money but that is no excuse. I know how I feel when I lose a lot of cash and I know how I beat myself up over it. Why was I risking that? I am in such a fragile place right now and I was willing to risk all that I have done this last week to feel good about myself, all over a few hundred dollars! What the hell am I thinking?? It's not worth it and I know it, but I was doing it and with absolutely no self control. Now I am putting into practice my self forgiveness that I have been working on all week. It makes it so much easier, since I did not lose any money, but that is not the point. The point is that I was risking more than money, I was risking my newly acquired self worth. Am I going crazy??!!! I feel like I am going crazy. I feel like I am out of my freakin' mind! Take a breath, Amy, Relax, you are okay. I don't feel okay!!! I feel like I am struggling to hang on to something and I don't even know what it is I'm trying to hang on to! * Deep Breath * I'm okay. I am okay, I will be just fine. This will pass and I will calm down and remember to love myself anyway.
I get home from work, after this fiasco. I'm feeling a bit riled up. I check my email and guess who I have a message from? That's right. Exactly one week after he decides to "come clean" and leave, he emails me to ask for money. What the hell is he thinking??!!!! He knows me and he knows how hard it is for me to tell him no. He knows I love him and want to help, but then again, those are my feelings and I DO NOT have to act on them. I have not said a word to him since I talked to him on the phone the night he left, when I was still unaware of what was going on. Now I am pissed!! Damn It!!!! I am so mad that he'd even ask me to "help him out". More than that, I am angry that it is stirring up so much emotion inside of me. I must be honest with myself. I have been waiting for this. I wanted this day to come to see how I would handle it. I am not so shocked about my reaction. I want to help him, but I want to do the right thing. Giving him money is wrong. It says that it's okay to treat me so terribly. It tells him that and it tells me that. I do not want to treat me terribly anymore. I want him to know that I still love him, but I no longer feel a need to prove it, especially by giving him anything he asks for every time he asks me. I have done that enough in the last five years. I allow him to be a low life, loser, user and abuser by giving in to him and his "needs". That is not loving him, nor loving myself. That is not respecting him nor myself. If I do it, I feel used and stupid! If I don't I feel like I'm turning my back on someone I love. I do love him, I probably always will. It might not be so bad to "help" him if I were doing it to actually help, rather than to prove that I love him more and better than anyone else. I cannot buy his love. I do not want to have to feel like I need to prove mine. I don't even really care if he loves me back or not. I feel good when I do things for the people I care about. I do care about him. Giving him money every time he says he needs it is not helping him at all. It's enabling him to continue a lifestyle of using people and then feeling bad about himself for not being able to take care of his own responsibilities. Does he even think about it that way? I doubt it. Perhaps when he really looks inside himself and is honest, which he rarely, if ever, does. He just sees an easy out from the situation at hand and he goes for it without thinking of the consequences. I am determined to not allow him to do that with my help any longer. Not just for my benefit, but for his own. I cannot love me fully if I am not loving the people I care about as well. I cannot turn off my love for him, so I must just accept it and do nothing about it. I have already done all I can, with a good amount of damage to myself. Can I be strong? I'll pray for strength and I'll look deep into myself to find it. Will I come through? I hope I do, because this is exactly the sort of behavior I am so eager to put an end to. I cannot help how I feel.... I can only decide what to do about it. I have to acknowledge that I want, so desperately to help him. I also have to examine what is is that will actually help. Giving him money will sooth a pressing need for the moment, but it does far more damage to both of us than it does good. Making him figure it out without my help does so much more in the way of healing our souls. I know what the right thing to do is. I don't know how to do it. It's so easy for me to do what I know, and just give him money. It would be just as easy to throw things in his face just for asking me to "help" him. Not quite as easy, but not so hard that it cannot be done, would be to ignore the situation completely. What gets me the most is why the heck am I concerned that he know why I am unwilling to just give him money, like I always have? Why am I scared of letting him know that I love him still, but I am just no longer available to him in any respect but especially financially. I do not want him back. I do not care if he gets mad at me. Is that the truth? The truth is........ I love him and I would like to see him heal and become the person that he wants to be. I love him and I want him to find happiness and peace within himself, just as I love me and want the same thing for myself. I cannot give it to him or help him find it. I am no longer willing to enable him in putting it off for another day. It's not right and I just cannot contribute to his misery anymore. Especially since I have realized that that's all I have been doing all along. For LOVE, because of LOVE and in the name of LOVE. I let myself believe that what I was doing was helping, but knowing all along that all I was doing was making matters worse. I have been showing him, for five years, that he doesn't have to respect anyone or anything, especially himself, to get his needs met. For those same five years, I have been showing him, as well as myself, that my needs are not important and that I do not need to be loved or respected by anybody, especially myself. I have been lying for five years. I am done with those lies. I DO need to love me and I DO need to respect myself. I cannot love me if I do not respect myself. I cannot respect myself if I am continuing to do things that are not respectful. It is not respectful to soothe the immediate needs of someone, rather than letting them work it out on their own and learn and grow form the experience. I would love to be part of his support system, but I cannot take on that role. He has chosen someone to take on that role in his life and committed himself, through marriage, to that person. I cannot, in good conscience, violate the sanctity of that union. That would also be very disrespectful to him as well as his wife and myself. I am stuck. I am obligated, by loving myself, to not do anything in the way of helping him. I must honor him and his chosen path and love him from afar without interference. I must honor myself, by not giving into my fears and acting on my feelings. I know that they are misguided right now. I am trying to straighten them out. I must honor Love, and out of love I must deny my pressing desire to soothe his immediate needs for the greater good of letting him find the strength, courage and love inside of himself to meet his own needs and grow as a person through the love of himself and the love of his god. It is not an easy task. I am finding it to be more difficult than anything I have ever undertaken. I know now, that putting a band aid on his gushing wounds does nothing to help him heal. Taking care of his financial "situations" for him does nothing to help him learn. It does nothing but delay his growth, and I cannot be a part of that any longer. I love him as I love myself. Unconditionally and without fail. My eyes and my heart are open now. I can no longer allow myself to do the wrong thing for the right reasons. Love is always right and love is always good. If it isn't right or good it isn't love. Love IS a higher law and I choose to abide by that law.
If you wish... God gave us love. It is the only thing that is true and pure. By living through love, we are living through god and god is living through us. The only way to experience the truest of love is by living in love and abiding by it's laws. If you believe in a Christian God, the bible says... Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth - 1 Corinthians 13:6; If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this Love each other as I have loved you. - John 15:10-12; Let us love, not in word or speech, but in truth and action. - 1 John 3:18; Love is patient, Love is kind, It does not envy, it does not boast, It is not proud, It is not rude, It is not self-seeking, It is not easily angered, It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. Love Never Fails. - First Corinthians, Chapter 13, verses 4 - 8; And now there remain faith, hope, and Love, these three: but the greatest of these is Love. First Corinthians,13:13.
Now, I am in no way a religious person. I am unsure if I believe in a Christian God or not. What I do believe in is Love and a higher power. I do believe in these quotes from the Bible. I believe that it is Love and only love that can set us free. Free from our pain, our fear and our sorrow. It's not enough to just love one another but we must love ourselves. We must do it in the same way that the Bible describes how God loves us. We must hold ourselves accountable and abide by the laws of love. This is what I believe. I have always believed it, even before I could put it into words. I know for a fact that I am at my most unhappy when I am not abiding by the rules of love. First and foremost, I must love myself as "God" has loved me. That is the path to enlightenment. That is the path I am on. Not a religious path, but a path to self awareness and truth. My own personal truth. It is not easy, for I am just human. My eyes are open and my heart is honest, perhaps for the first time ever. I take comfort in knowing that happiness is attainable if I am willing to take the steps necessary to get right with myself. Easy? No. Worth it? YES!
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Insomnia & My Bubble
2007-03-18
I work nights. I get off between 4am and 6am Friday - Monday. I cannot sleep! This is one of the side affects of a recent breakup. I would like to attribute it to depression, but I ,somehow, do not feel depressed. Honestly I do not know what I feel. I was laying in bed trying to decide what I feel. I have an emptiness in my chest that usually means I am mourning a loss, fearing something bad or nervous about something coming up. Perhaps I'm mourning the loss of my relationship. I don't really feel sad though. I feel like I'm on the precipice of learning something new and huge! I'm not feeling overly excited about it. I'm not dreading it either. I do not feel confused or the shame that comes from having feelings I deem as bad or inappropriate. I do not feel lost, although I am uncertain about where it is I actually am because I do not know how I am feeling. Perhaps I have taken in way too much information in the last few days and it is overwhelming my mind! The only problem is I am thinking clearly, that indicates that I am not overwhelmed. I have a direction and I am moving in it, that indicates that I am not scared. I am satisfied that I am doing the right things and making the right choices to get where I want to be, that indicates that I am being honest with myself once again. So what is my problem? Perhaps this is all just so different than what I am used to feeling. I've spent so much time being dishonest with myself, about how I feel, what I want and what I am willing to tolerate. I've spent too much time being ashamed of how I feel and what I am or am not doing to change it. I am no longer ashamed of my feelings, no matter what they are. My feelings are my feelings, they cannot be wrong or right. My actions are something different. I can choose to act upon my feelings or just simply acknowledge that I am having them and let them pass. That is a strange concept for me to grasp, but I am doing it and it feels like something I have never really experienced before. I have learned so much in the past week. I feel as if my bubble is too small for me now. I am not ready to take on the world without a bubble, so how do I go about expanding it? This is what I ponder as sleep alludes me! Perhaps I just need some rest!2 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Making Room For The Good Shit!!!!!
2007-03-18
Well, I've done it. I finally erased all of the old emails he ever sent me; from both email accounts!!! I deleted every picture of him from every website I am on!!! The night he left, I went through the house and threw away everything of his that he had left here, everything he had ever given to me and every picture I could find of him. He left the stuffed animal and card that he gave me for valentine's day prominently displayed on the bedroom entertainment stand. I threw those things away immediately!!!! I felt so betrayed at the time and it was painful to know that he had given me those things after he had legally committed his life and love to another woman. The card was signed "All My Love for the Rest Of My Days." HA!!!!! What a laugh! Now all that stuff is in the landfill, where it belongs.
The emails, though, were tough for me. I don't exactly know why. I deleted all of his contact information from both of my email accounts the day after he left, but for some reason I was hanging on to all of the old emails. Some were sweet and some were just nasty. Frequently I would re-read some of them. I stopped doing that the day he left. I have re-read the last one he sent me, so many times this week, but today, I decided I was finished with that. Now they are all gone, never to return, and I am glad! I cannot torture myself over it any longer! I have freed myself of that at least. I have forgiven myself for hanging on to that pain for such a long time. I am entering a new phase in my recovery and it feels great! I was happy today. I'm truly letting go and feeling okay with it! Oh MY!!! How it brings up the emotions! I am so proud of myself for facing my fear and just letting it all go. I have needed to clean house for such a long time. I have begun, finally, to clear up the clutter, wipe away the dust, open the blinds and make room for the good shit!
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My New Blog
2007-03-16
This is my new blog. I used to blog on MySpace, but I decided to delete that account and never return! Here I am. I'm messed up and I'm crazy. I'm sad and lonely. I've been hurt and used. I am here to write out my feelings and thoughts so that they don't pile up inside of me, overwhelming me and make me feel more crazy than I need to.
Let's get to the point of today's blog.
I have just been jilted, once again, by the man I have been in love with for the past five years. Two years ago we moved in together and things were tough! He is mean and violent and I knew just how to put up with it. I lost a good job because of him and we moved back to his Home town. The place where I met and fell in love with him. Things got better for a short time. Then I found out he was cheating. He cheated and lied for four months and then he left me, while I was at work and after he made me believe that things would be okay and we would work things out. He was gone for six months. He moved in with the person he cheated on me with. He came over almost everyday and lied about it. I found out, about two weeks later, that he was engaged to be married to her. He kept coming around and telling me he loved me and he didn't know what he was doing. He eventually called off the wedding. He kept coming around telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me. I had finally had enough after he told me she was pregnant. I told him I was done, and to leave me alone. He came to me the next day and told me he had left her and he asked me to take him back. He told me that he realized that I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and that he would do anything to prove that he loved me, that I could trust him and that he would never hurt me again. I took him back. It was the stupidest thing I have ever done. Things were going well for about two weeks. He started acting shady and started being mean to me. I tried to get him to tell me what was going on. He has excuses for everything. This last Sunday he left me again. He left me to go back to the pregnant one. He spent last weekend out of town with her. He lied and told me he was with friends. Sunday, he took me to work and told me he loved me. When I got home he was gone and he left me an email explaining that he secretly married her a month ago, while living with me and letting me believe that he wanted to be here with me. He lived with me for an entire month, while he was married to another person! He took things that were mine when he left. He stole money from me. He used me. He got me to pay to fix his car and then he left me. He was back for a little over two months and for half of that time he was married without my knowledge. He made me an unknowing adulteress. It sickens me to know that. Here is his excuse.......
Dear Amy,
As by now I'm sure you see that I am not here. After reading your e-mail's I
have made the chioce to leave. You are right. It is not fair for me to treat
you like this. The messed up thing is I dont know if I could change
that...even as much as I want too. I had no intenion of leaving. NONE. But
when I got here after I dropped you off and read your e-mail's, I sat and
thought about this. it 's not easy for me you must know that. I may come off
as if I dont give a shit but you know the real me...and so then you know how
much this is hurting. But I cant countinue hurting you any longer. I'm sorry
that I turned back into that guy. I was that the guy you wanted when I came
back, but I turned back into the asshole. I've sat and thought why?? I
relized that you and me are of course so different I 'm not sure I can stay
into the nice one. You said you want to move on with your life and that is
what you are going to do and I know you will someday be happy. I just cant
do that for you no matter how hard I try. There are some thing's I know you
will hear later on from my family or whoever, so I'm going to tell you so
you hear it from me. I came back hoping that I can be the real Dave with
you, of course that did not happen. So me and Nicole made up and talked
about what I should do. In the end I relized I was the nice Dave because of
her. I know you hate her but try to listen to me, I'm being serious here. I
did alot of soul seaching after I came back. It was the start of Febuary. I
was leaving here with you and saying thing's to you that I did mean at the
time. Like I love you. But not the way you love me. I care for you and I
care what you do in your life. But I relized I could never love you like you
loved me. Even as much as I tried. Nicole kept coming into my mind's eye.
After I found out she was having my son I almost passed out. That made it
offical to me. You know what I said about the one who has my son. That's the
one. The one I was going to marry and spend the rest of my day's with. So
with all my soul searching and advice from within and through the good Lord
I made up my mind. I married her Febuary 6th of this year at the court
house. Al was there and her friend Crystal and that was it. My family did
not even know. No one really know's. Some suspect something but are not for
sure. I HAVE been were you are sitting right now. I HAVE felt what you are
feeling right now. It is one of the most painful thing's I had ever gone
through. But it faded, I still feel it, but it WILL fade..in time. You've
alway's wanted me to be honest, even if it hurt. so I am...now. That's it.
That's the truth. No less..no more. It's not all fireworks and everything
sunny and bright ao dont think it is. But I love her the same way you love
me. I'm sorry for all that I've done. I should have never came back...but I
needed to be sure about YOU and ME ..cause I was not. Now I know. I can sit
here all night and write to you trying to make you feel better about all
this..but I know from experiance, all it does is make you sadder. If you are
ever wondering if I really DID ever love you?? I did. But we grew apart and
thing's happened the way they did. Call it God's plan or just fucking life.
Sometime's it's great, sometimes...like now...it is not. But you ARE strong
and you will get over me. You said once ..that you just want me to be happy.
Will the chioce's Ive made in the past couple month's...I am. You my think
I'm blind, my family my think so too. But She IS having my son. For that I
am forever greatful and must show this with all the love I have no matter
WHAT. Please Amy, understand that thing's got messed up I know. But I NEVER
wanted any of this to happen the way it is. I think of you at work and you
not knowing what is happing right now and it breaks my heart. and now I
start to cry. Jesus, I am so sorry Amy...
Sincerly...and...Always,
Dave
He had no intention of leaving????? He's MARRIED!!!!! What did he think? He was just going to stay with me and be married to someone else? I do know the real him. He's a liar, a cheater, a user and a thief! I used to think that he was more than that and he wanted to be better than that, but he's not and he doesn't. He never loved me. He loved what I was willing to do for him. He didn't work, he lived off of me. He was abusive, physically at first, then just emotionally and mentally. She doesn't make him the nice guy. He's nice when he wants something. I don't care if he's happy. He will never be happy until he addresses his problems within himself. I don't care if he thinks he loves her, and I don't care if they make it or if they fall apart. They got together and decided as a couple to use me, with no regard for my feelings or anything. I just do not understand how anyone can do that. I'm not a bad person. I do not take advantage of, or use people. I did nothing to deserve this. If he didn't want things to work out like this then they wouldn't have.
Now I must, once again, pull myself together and get on with my life. I am hurting. I am scared and I am confused. I visited my best friend for a few days just after this happened. I'm depressed. I was scared of being alone for too long just after. I went to Seattle and stayed with him. He told me that I may be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. We went to a book store and, strangely enough, I picked up a book titled " I Can't Get Over It". It's all about PTSD. I took it as a sign and bought it. Turns out that I've been dealing with this most of my life. It is easy for me to see how I could repeat behavior that I witnessed as a child. I didn't, however, think that it was this bad for me. I'm convinced that I need to seek out therapy and my best friend advised me to look into Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I agree that it's a good idea. I need to change some things about me so that I never have to experience anything like these past five years again. I am scared. I want to take action and move in a direction that will get me closer to what I truly want out of life. I realize that what I have been doing, up to now, was putting myself in the same situation I have been in all my life and then fighting against it. That is what is normal to me. That is what I know and, in some sick way, am comfortable with. I know how to maneuver in that situation. I have no idea how to get where I want to be or how to handle it if I get there. Now I need help. I know that I cannot fix it on my own. I so desperately want to fix it. These things are not my fault, but it is my responsibility to do something about it so that I do not keep making the same mistakes. I am on a mission to self recovery. I'm just glad that I'm finally ready to deal with all the aspects of what has been driving me.
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