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My life is STUPID!

2007-06-12

My life is stupid.  I don't even know what is going on with me at this point.  These last few weeks have been so up and down for me.  I haven't communicated with David in three weeks now.  I miss him and I worry about him, but fuck that.  He doesn't give a shit about me and I have to remind myself of that everyday.  I thought that I wanted to maintain a friendship with him, but I really had to analyze that.  I am no where near ready to be his friend.  I haven't done anything to pursue it either.  I miss talking to him and being with him, but there is now way that anything will ever be right between us again and I didn't want it to change but it has and I just need to let it go.  I loved him so much, I know I still do, but it helps to talk about it as if it were all past.  I don't know how to get over him.

 So...  I went and had my eyes checked.  I got glasses and contacts.  I'm still getting used to my glasses and the contacts just make my eyes itch and my vision blurry.  I have another appointment this Friday to see how the contacts are doing, I may need a different prescription.  I also went and got a prescription for Chantix.  It's a drug to quit smoking.  I haven't smoked a whole cigarette in 3 days.  I had a few puffs on Saturday and today, but that's it.  It's tough for me because I feel like I want to smoke, but when I do it just tastes bad and sort of makes me feel sick.  I know I am already gaining weight, as I am eating all of the time now!   I need to go back on my diet.  The thing that sucks the most about it is that the medication is fucking with my dreams.  It is a side affect, but for me it just sucks ass!  My dreams have always been vivid and in depth to say the least, but since I've been on this medication, they have been intensely emotional and real.  I wake up  and have to convince myself it was a dream.  The second night I started having dreams about Dave again.  Over the last week I have somehow slipped into some sort of depression over the whole thing again.  I cry myself to sleep almost every night and I dream about him and I wake up angry or sad every day.  I can't seem to shake the feeling even after I realize it was just a dream.  I hate this.  I thought I was doing so well.  I had stopped dreaming about him altogether and I had only cried a few times over him.  Now I'm just a blubbering mess most nights.  I'm afraid to go to sleep because I know I'll dream about him and I lay awake trying not to think about it.  I cannot motivate myself to do anything productive.  I desperately need to clean my house, but on my days off I just sleep most of the days away.  It's been 3 months since he left.  Why is it now that I'm feeling all sad and depressed about it?  It's stupid.  I hate it.  I want to be over it and never think about it again.  I want the hurt and loneliness to go away.  I've been entertaining thoughts that I will not even share with my closest friends.  I try my best to act like everything is okay with me.  Some days, like today, it works and some days I fail miserably.  I wonder why you never hear about young people dying of a broken heart.  The doctor told me that my blood pressure was high and no wonder... I'm a huge fat fatty and a pack a day smoker!  I live too much in my head and stress myself out!  I worry about the stupidest things, like... what if I am a really bad person and I just don't realize it?  What if I am wrong about myself and I don't deserve to be treated with respect or love?  I think about this stuff over and over and I try to figure out everything I could have ever done to make it true and how I could possibly fix it.  I don't trust myself anymore.  I trusted everything I felt until 3 months ago and now I trust nothing.  I have no idea how to get it back.  I question everything I think, feel, do and say.  I question, analyze, think and then I do it all again.  I never get to any conclusion, because I cannot allow myself to trust any answer I come up with.  When I discuss it with any of my friends, I listen to their input but mostly disregard it because I definitely do not trust anyone else.  Is this what it is supposed to be like when you have been hurt and betrayed?  I don't know if I even want to learn how to trust again.  I know I never want to be hurt like this again.  I am confused and I am lonely.  For two years I had someone telling me they loved me every single day.  Now I have only silence and it is deafening.  Even so, I suppose that the silence and loneliness is better than the lie and the belief that the lie is true.  I have to admit that believing in the lie felt a hell of a lot better than this, at least until it ended.  It was never a lie from my side, and because it was honest and sincere from my side, I don't know how to turn it off.    It feels like it is killing me now.  Everyone says that it won't, but maybe it will.  For now, I'll pretend, everyday, that I am doing okay, until I get to a day that I do not have to pretend anymore.  I pray everyday for strength and insight.  I have faith that I'll someday find peace.  Maybe today, but probably not.  I could be a fool, but I think that I am probably just a girl that got hurt and needs time to heal.

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