Skip to: Site menu | Main content

Happy Birthday David

2007-12-30

Happy Birthday David.  It's been several months since we have communicated and even longer since I've seen you.  One year ago today you came to me and asked, no, begged me to take you back and give you another chance.  Atop your list of reasons why I should even consider it was, "because you love me."  Of course I loved you, something I Never made you doubt. Sadly it was all an illusion.  It must have been very difficult for you to maintain a persona so foreign to yourself.  The saddest part of all is that I really had no idea that it was entirely a farce.  I was in love with a person that never existed.  I thought that there was finally a person that understood me, wanted me and was interested in a future with me.  I felt love that was real for something so obviously fictitious.  Like the child that believes in Santa Clause for too many years, I was devastated and all of the magic in love disappeared.  If I can thank you for anything it is showing me how dangerous it is to love so free and easily.  A lesson I, truly, had to learn the hard way.  A lesson that took me 5 years to fully learn.  Thank you for teaching me a lesson.  I feel sorrow for the men that will never experience the brand of love that I reserved solely for you.  You weren't just careless, you were mean and hateful.  I let you destroy everything that made it a complete and unique gift.

It's been over 9 months since you left.  I have missed you. I have hurt and cried.  I have hated and mourned.  I have looked at myself in ways I never wish anybody to have to look upon themselves.  I know that I am to blame for most of what I have endured.  I wanted the lie more than I wanted the truth.  Now when I dream of you, I awaken disappointed because I still long for that fiction.  The prevarication in the way you handled me was pure artwork.  Nine months later, I have not been able to completely eradicate you from myself.  I think of you daily and speak of you almost as often.  Today, on your birthday, I take a vow to increase my efforts to forget that you exist.  Today I will begin to let you go completely from my mind and heart.  I was all too happy and willing to enter into your darkness.  I learned from you how to reopen my own and now I must find the courage to escape it and close it off for good.  There is no room for you here any longer.  Like a cancer, sometimes you just have to cut it out to rid yourself of the suffering and pain. 

Happy Birthday David.  For your own sake I wish you joy, happiness and prosperity.  For my sake I can only hope that your renunciation of me continues indefinitely.  Happy Birthday David, I hope it's a good one.

0 Comments | Link to This | Back to top

So much for Christmas

2007-12-29

So much for Christmas.  It went okay and I think my son had a great day.  It was difficult for me.  I got frustrated with my son when I tried to get him to think about others rather than himself while picking out a gift for his father.  I ended up crying.  I got in an argument with his father just the day before that over a guitar.  I ended up crying.  I really wanted this Christmas to be good for all of us, but I was fighting my emotions over David the whole time and just failing at getting anyone in the spirit.  Christmas eve was pretty good.  I took my son to the company party. We had a good time, but when we got back his father was a bit pissy and I just couldn't deal with it so I didn't.  We went to my friend's house without him.  Christmas day was okay.  My son loved his gifts and had a good time watching me unwrap mine.  His father seemed annoyed and disappointed.  I don't know how to deal with his father at all.  He accuses me of trying to push him out of my son's life.  He accuses me of trying to always make him the bad guy.  I never agree with anything he says and we argue quite a bit.  We had one such argument the other night and I ended up really upset over it.  I stayed in bed the entire next day and I haven't really talked to him since.  Last night he tried to get into a discussion over the whole thing again as I was leaving for work.  I hate that.  I don't know what to do.  I don't want to argue with him anymore.  I don't want to give him anymore opportunity to say things that I end up feeling bad about.  I am trying the best I can.  I hate feeling like every single thing I do or say is being scrutinized so that it can be used against me.  I hate being told how it would be so much better if I did things differently or if I thought differently.  What he really means is that things would be better for him if I did and thought just like him or just always agreed.  I am just so frustrated.  So I've decided to just try to ignore it and Never get into another "discussion" with him again.  I just have to hold out a few more months.  Then he will get his own place and the pressure will let up.  I just hope I can hold out without going on a psycho bitch tirade!  I am not even kidding.

Tomorrow is David's birthday.  I don't even know what to think or feel about that.  I hope it's good for him I guess.  It will be the first birthday since I've known him that I haven't done something for him.  Christmas was especially hard in that respect.  I didn't have to fight myself to not buy him anything, but I couldn't make myself not think about him constantly.  I cried a few times, just because I miss him so much and he has the delight of a child during Christmas.  I really missed that a lot this year.  Not even my child had it this year. No one around me was really excited.  David always acted like he wasn't but when it came right down to it, he got all caught up in the spirit.  I really wanted to send his mother flowers.  I didn't do it because I feel weird about it.  I mean, I've completely cut her off and I feel bad about it.  I just haven't gotten myself to a place where it's okay for me to be friends with her.  I'm still sad and sometimes very bitter over the whole thing.  I don't want to bring that into my friendship with her.  I also do not want to know things about his life at all.  She is his mother.  I'm afraid I'd ask.  I also don't want to do anything that will create an uncomfortable situation.  I love his mother and I feel bad because she wanted us to stay friends.  I just couldn't.  I was really messed up over the whole thing.  It's getting better, but obviously I am not through it yet.  Maybe I'll send her flowers for the New Year.

I have no personal life at all.  It's been over two months since I've had sex.  That's okay with me.  I'm tired a lot.  I don't have the energy to meet new men and  I have no idea what's up with the Mariachi.  I still get hit on at work occasionally and online sometimes.  Maybe I'm just not interested.  I don't know.  I'm probably depressed.  Perhaps just disillusioned.  I do not know one single man that is worth any of the bullshit.  I should try not to be so cynical so shortly after Christmas, but ..... fuck it.

1 Comments | Link to This | Back to top

Job Stress

2007-12-12

I am stressed out about my job.  It isn't even funny.  I hate this and I expected that when I went back to dealing that all of the stress would be gone.  For a while  it was all gone, but now things are different.  Over the past couple of years we have changed our middle management a few times.  This is my opinion only, but it seems to me that, quite often, people in management positions get a little too big for their britches and think that they are untouchable or irreplaceable.  All of a sudden an, other wise decent, employee starts to do ad say stupid things and act like a fool.  This has been our problem over the past few years. So when a friend of mine stepped into the management position, I was genuinely happy about it.  Now I hate it and it stresses me out.  I have strong opinions and I am never afraid to state them, when asked.  That seems to be getting me in trouble.  I haven't offered my opinion to this "friend" of mine.  I do not want his job and I do not want to tell him how to do it.  I have done his job, I have trained people to do his job and I have also been a GM and had my own problems related to finding someone good and willing to do his job.  I know what it takes and I know how to do it.  My opinion is just that, MY opinion.  Our GM and I do not have the same opinions and I would never think that I know better than him, I just have a different opinion  sometimes.  I also think that my opinion shouldn't matter to anyone there, as I am just a lowly dealer, at the bottom of the employee ladder.  Apparently, having an opinion about the shift I work on is being run is getting me in trouble with one particular supervisor.  This guy is my friend and uses that against me constantly.  I have a problem with his maturity level, his professionalism and, lately, his attitude.  Now I am not the guy's boss and I don't pretend to be.  I try not to give my opinion where it is not wanted, but when he does something that I feel is wrong, unfair or just plain stupid, I get annoyed and sometimes pissed.  I guess, because we are friends, he feels like I need to explain why I am pissed or annoyed so he can justify his actions.  I just don't want to deal with it.  He's the boss, plain and simple.  I have to do what he says no matter how idiotic or retarded I think it is.  I have to do it, I do not have to like it or agree with it and I do not expect him to even care if I lie it or agree with it.  Somehow he always wants to know why I am annoyed or pissed and when I tell him, he gets all butt-hurt and pissy.  Now I don't know what to do.  Apparently he's decided that it's a better idea to ask a co-worker who is a good friend of mine to talk to me about some issues he thinks are a problem.  He said that he felt that I might take it better from my good friend than him because I'll feel like he's attacking me.  Well, I do feel like he is picking on me.  I feel like he makes a bigger deal than necessary out of the things he thinks I do wrong.  So what?  I have to do what he says, he's the boss.  I do them because he's the boss.  I don't have to agree.  Just because I have the balls to say that I do not agree, should not put me in fear of losing my job.  That is exactly where I am at.  Every day that I work with this guy I have to wonder if I said something that pissed him off enough to get me fired.  I'm human, I get pissed off when I feel like I am being treated unfairly.  I don't crazy and scream and yell, but I do get pissed.  If you ask me if I am pissed I will say yes and if you ask my why I will tell you; but if you leave me the hell alone, I'll just get over it.  I don't take it out on customers and I don't discuss it with them either.  I just deal with being pissed the best I can and I do my job like I get paid to do.  I feel like I am being baited, or set up sometimes.  It is stressful to me.  I have a good paying job and it's EASY.  I would like to keep it.  Lately I have been thinking about quitting, so that I do not have to deal with this stress.  I cannot afford to lose my job because of something as stupid as this.  I cannot maintain this sort of stress, wondering if I'm going to get fired tomorrow or the next day.  I am not a bad employee.  I just want to be treated fairly and respectfully or just left alone to do my job.  None of which I think I have lately.  I don't know what to do.  I've tried to explain to my supervisor how I feel about this and it just pisses him off and he accuses me of being overly critical of him.  I don't want to take it to the GM because I don't think he really cares for me too much and it may hurt me more than it helps me, also because I don't want to create any more problems with this topic.  I don't want my supervisor to get in trouble and I don't want to get fired because I'm a "problem" employee.  Either way it's a bad situation and if I cannot fix it this week, I'll have to start looking for another job.  I guess I'd better think of something before I'm just SOL.

1 Comments | Link to This | Back to top

'Tis the season

2007-12-09

Here we are, on the down hill slide into Christmas.  I haven't even started shopping!  I did manage to get a tree and put up a few decorations in the yard.  I did it mostly for my son, but I was hoping that it would sort of give me a shove to get in the spirit of the season.  I don't know what is wrong with me.  I just don't feel like it.  I think about my son a lot, and I want this to be a good and memorable Christmas for him.  I am trying!  I just don't feel that into it.  I am having trouble getting along with his father.  It's not every day, but every few days I just freak out on him.  I don't know exactly what my problem is, but I definitely have one.  It's hard to live in the same house with someone you've had a romantic relationship with.  It's hard for me anyway.  He got a job and he should be starting in a week or so I guess.  That should help a lot.  I try my best to make things sane and comfortable here, at home.  I am doing okay I think.

I've been very disappointed in myself lately.  I haven't been able to go one single day without thinking about David. I still miss him. I have noticed that I can go, at least, one day without mentioning him, but never two.  I think about him so often that I don't even know when I start or stop.  So many things have come up in my life lately and I , somehow, tie my memories of David into everything.  It is annoying and it makes me sad.  My birthday was difficult.  Thanksgiving was difficult.  Christmas is turning out to be difficult.  The most difficult thing of all is these new relationships that I seem to be developing.  Relationships with men.  I seem to be comparing all of them to my relationship with David.  I am skeptical and looking for their angle and what they could possibly want from me.  I don't believe that any one of them really likes me for who I am.  I don't really care if they do or not.  I never want to love anyone that way again.  I think I have given up on the idea of finding someone that really wants to understand me and thinks that there isn't anything better than me for them to pursue.  I give up.  I am just not that girl.  I am almost grateful that my relationship with David showed me that.  Now I can stop wanting it and waiting for it and looking for it.  I've been thinking about it quite a bit the last few weeks.  I miss David so much it hurts and I am so glad he's gone forever.  It still makes me cry to know that it's forever.  Some day I won't give a shit anymore.  I hope soon.

I met a new guy!  Okay, I didn't really meet a new one.  I've known him for a year or so.  I've had a crush on him for a while.  I gave him my number a few months back.  He just called me last week.  I was sick so we couldn't hook up, but we talked for almost 3 hours.  He told me quite a bit about himself.  We spent much of the time flirting and a bit of phone sex.  It was fun and exciting.  A few days back He called me again and asked if we could hook up.  I went to meet him downtown and we rented a room.  We fooled around and talked.  We did not have sex.  He wanted to but I just couldn't do it.  I am confused.  This guy is HOT!  I am super attracted to him.  I guess maybe I am scared.  He's single, he's a few years younger than I am, he thinks I am crazy, he doesn't want a relationship and he made it clear that he doesn't want me to fall in love with him.  I told him that there is no possibility that I will because I can't fall in love anymore.  I tried to explain it to him.  So why no sex?  Shit, I don't know.  I really want to, but I am not down for a one night stand.  I haven't seen Mariachi in a few weeks and I haven't had sex with him in over a month.  I am assuming that it is over between us.  I'm sort of glad.  The sex was hot, but it just wasn't right, him being married and all.  Perhaps I am ready to move on to a new sexual relationship.  I haven't been laid in over a month, I didn't have a emotional attachment to my last lover.  I do want a lover, not just a one time thing.  I don't know how to accomplish getting that.  I haven't heard from the new guy since we left the motel.  It doesn't really bother me, except for I keep thinking that I should have just hit it! Oh well.  He'll call again, and if he doesn't, his loss, because I am CRAZY in bed! There is this other guy as well.  The one I had the encounter with a few weeks back.  He came into my work tonight.  He played at my table and sort of followed me around my first rotation.  He made me a bit of money.  We flirted and chit chatted.  He told me that I always ignore his calls.  I told him that he hasn't called, if he thinks I'm ignoring him it's because he calls me from a blocked number.  He's funny and I like him.  I think he may come in again soon or call me this weekend.  He knows what my days off are.  I guess I'll just have to see.  He knows my situation and he asked about it.  I think we are friends.  It's nice to be developing a friendship with a guy that I am interested in but also a guy that I know is interested in me as well.  He has two sons my son's age.  We have things in common.  It's cool.  Perhaps I should ask him out on a date!

It's sort of crazy how this year is winding down.  Exciting things are on the horizon, I am sure of it.  I think I am finally ready for them.  If not, I guess I'll just have to get ready, because they are coming whether I like it or not!  I am here for the ride, none the less.  Let's hope I don't need a crash helmet and that the air bags are all functional!

0 Comments | Link to This | Back to top

Created with ShoutPost