[A Whole Carnival of Crazy]
I love the things that we should fearI Am Number 4
2007-04-26
| You Are 4: The Individualist |
| You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself. You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable. You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt. Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel. |
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What The HELL???!!!
2007-04-25
So...... I'm sitting here, assembling a DVD shelf I bought last week and my email alert keeps sounding. I finally get the shelf put together and decide to check my email and what do I find???? You guessed it, an email from David (my ex). What the hell is that all about? He hasn't sent an email in 13 days! Why is he sending one now? It doesn't even say anything!
Just wanted to drop a line and say hello. I'm good. Any who...just board and
tired..so I'll talk to later's.
David
I haven't responded to one of his emails in over 3 weeks. Not that he's sent me too many. Two others, besides this one to be exact. I'm confused. Why do I need to know that he's "good"? Why do I need to know that he's bored or tired? We don't talk anymore; why does he think he'll talk to me later? I just don't get it.
I have to admit that I've been waiting for an email from him. I thought it would be to ask for money again. I didn't expect this and I was starting to think that, perhaps, he was done for good and would never contact me again. Since I'm admitting things, I must say that every day when I check my email, I keep hoping that there will be one from him. I'm not sure why I keep hoping that, but I do. I've been searching myself for a reason. Perhaps it's just that I am not ready to let go for good. There is a place inside of me that only he has touched and it's difficult to just let it all go. I don't cry for him or our relationship. I'm not really sad or depressed about it. I've let most of the anger and hurt go. I still think about him every day. Mostly stupid little things, like, I wonder what Dave would think of this or that, oh Dave would like that or would enjoy this. It's silly, but I've been doing that for so long now, that it's mostly an unconscious thing I do now. I've stopped browsing through the Men's Department in stores for things I think he'll like or look good in. I've stopped looking at the new video games and such. I've stopped looking for things to do that I know he'd enjoy doing too. I still think about him when I see things and plan things. I'm okay with it. I have loved him for a long time now and I can't seem to just let it all go so easily. It doesn't make me sad anymore. I just sort of feel sorry for him and myself, as we cannot enjoy these things together any longer. Mostly, when this happens, I just think "Oh well, I can still enjoy this!"
This new email has me all weirded out! I will not respond to it, even though I know I will want to. I don't know what to think about it, but I know that it has nothing to do with me. I know I cannot assume anything about it and I will not try to read anything into it. I miss him and our friendship and I would like to think that he does too, but I'd prefer to think that it's just a tactic to try to get back into my wallet. I won't let myself believe either, and I'm unwilling to inquire about the meaning or motives behind it. Nothing good can come from communicating at this point. I'm still not ready to talk to him. I'm sure that eventually, he'll make his motives clear. He always does. Either that or he'll lose interest. That's okay with me too.
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Self Pity, Depression, Apathy & Ennui
2007-04-22
Life has been strange for me lately. It's been 10 days with no word from David. That's the longest we've gone without contact in years. It's strange how someone that was once so much a part of your life, can instantly disappear. I miss him. I had a feeling that, when he realized there would be no more money from me, he would just quit. He has. I'm glad in a way. Mostly I just miss him. I'm still dreaming about him.
I'm pretty sure I feel sorry for myself. I got way too intoxicated on Wednesday night. I can't remember half the night. Thank goodness for good friends. I don't usually get very drunk at all when I drink, but something inside of me just went for it. I ended up almost being put into some strange man's van and taken god knows where! My friends rescued me. Then I had a complete and hysterical breakdown. "What is wrong with me?" I kept asking over and over again. "What am I doing wrong?" "Why can't I find a man that loves me?" I threw up. I almost drowned myself in the bath tub, from passing out with the plug in and the shower on. I flooded my bathroom and now I'm sick! Thank goodness I'm not in the habit of getting drunk very often at all. I thought I was doing so well. Apparently I am not. I cannot quite find the part of me that still hates myself. I feel okay. Not great but okay. I forgive myself daily and I do not beat myself up over things. I've decided that it was not stupid to get that drunk, just irresponsible. I am not ashamed or embarrassed. I know that I do not want to do it again, and I am sure that I will not for a very long time. I hate when I act irresponsibly.
I am trying to figure out what is going on with me now. Can it be depression if you have to question if you are depressed or not? I feel so apathetic these days. It's not that I do not think that things will get better it's just that I don't really care. Almost as if I don't want to do anything about it. Not because I do not think that I can, but because... well see.... I don't know the because. I need a good kick in the ass! There is no good reason why I shouldn't be happy with myself and life. I am surely not in a place where I hate myself or my life. I just do not care what happens right now. What do I care about? I have no idea. I try to have fun everyday, but nothing seems that fun or exciting. I smile and laugh. I joke and chit chat. When I come home and assess the day, I always think... well it was an okay sort of day. It's like a constant ennui. I really want to feel excited about something, anything! I'm starting to annoy myself! Where the hell is my passion? Wherever it is, I need to find it! A new hobby may be in order!
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Irresponsible Behavior
2007-04-20
I am such an idiot!! Dammit! Last night I went out and got way too drunk. Tonight I got off work early and lost $450 gambling! I feel like a complete ass! I guess the good thing is that I didn't lose all the money I had! Still..... that is just way too much money for me to be losing. I hate to even lose $50. I know better. I wanted to hang around work and flirt with a guy. It's just so silly. I'm going to be okay. I can definitely find reasons to rationalize it. I just am so disappointed with myself. I keep thinking that I'm doing okay and even doing very well. Then I have two disastrous days in a row. I'm wondering what the hell is wrong with me. Nothing is wrong with me, I just didn't use good judgement the past two days. I don't feel too bad about what I've done. I don't want to sit around and beat myself up over the whole thing. It was silly and irresponsible, yes. I can handle it. I will not let it happen again for a long time. Sometimes I'm foolish, and it's okay. I didn't want to come home tonight. I feel sort of lonely.
So... this guy. I've known him for a while now. He's a regular customer. We like to flirt with each other. Tonight, while I was on break, he came outside and started flirting with me. He put his arms around me and got me all worked up. He thinks it's funny that I have a crush on him. He should ask me out. I would totally go! I think he's sexy as heck! He's funny and fairly intelligent. I like him a lot. I have always liked him. I hope he comes in tomorrow night!
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Pain in the Ass
2007-04-14
Pain in the Ass
How can your lips be so sweet
When your lies are so bitter?
How can your touch be so tender
Just before you hit her?
How can your words be so soothing
But your rejection so crass?
How can I still love you
When you're such a pain in the ass?
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Another Poem
2007-04-14
Untitled
These are my fears
They are finally starting to fade away
Those were my tears
That I cried almost everyday
This is my shame
A feeling I have put away
Here is my guilt
Something I will not endure today
This is my dream
It is my heart that is leading
Those were my lies
My dishonesty is fleeting
This is my mind
Where I nurture new seedlings
Here is my love
The salve that keeps me healing
There will be no more burning
No melancholy yearning
Forgiveness is what I am learning
The suffering I am spurning
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A Poem
2007-04-14
Untitled
I never wanted to fix you
I had hoped you'd fix yourself
You do not deserve the torture
You agree to live with everyday
I only wanted to love you
I did the best I could
I can never blame you
For not seeing a better way
We live trapped within our own lies
Of who and what we are
Punishing ourselves
For the lives that we have made
I never wanted to fix you
When I couldn't even fix myself
I only wanted to love you
It is a love that never fades
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Dirty House, Dirty Mind!
2007-04-12
I'm sitting here trying to get up the motivation to clean my freaking apartment!!! It's hard because I really hate cleaning!! I borrowed Dan's vacuum and I really need to get on it. Today is my last day off before I go back to work for another 4 days and I know I will not clean on those days. I haven't done much cleaning since Dave left. It seems that everyday there is a new mess created by the kittens! I did manage to get the trash out last night and clean out the rotting produce in the fridge! That's a step in the right direction. My back went out last week and I just couldn't manage to get even some laundry done before I had to go back to work. I hate it when my back goes out and I should just go see the chiropractor when it happens, but I always think that it will go back in tomorrow! It's sort of silly, because I'll just live with the pain for days and sometimes weeks! It is still sort of hurting and I have a dull pain in my hips. Sometimes it gets so horrible that I have pain in my thigh or even down into my feet, and I cannot stand up straight. Today the pain is dull and I feel okay when I'm standing. I keep thinking I should clean, but I don't want to. I'd rather just sit at the computer or stare off into space and think.
The only reason I started this post today is because I was sitting here thinking about Dave. I want to reply to that email. I want to reply so bad, but I only want to reply so that he will reply and so on. I miss him, like I said yesterday. Getting over it is hard. I feel okay. I'm not freaking out or all depressed and miserable.
I need a new lover! My other lover cut me off! He told me that he was uncomfortable having sex without a committed relationship and since I was not relationship material, we couldn't have sex anymore. He didn't say it exactly like that, but that was the point. I can respect that. I do not necessarily need to be in a "relationship" to have sex, although I prefer it that way. I do not want to be in a committed relationship right now. I do, however, want to have sex. I do not believe that is is wrong to act on your physical desire, if no one is getting hurt. That's why I can respect him for cutting me off. It was hurting him emotionally and making him feel bad about himself, because he believes that he needs to have a relationship for it to be okay to have sex. I do not feel that way, and I should find someone that also feels that way. I have done a lot of soul searching on this topic. I know that I do not correlate love and sex. I am not saying that you cannot have both together, as a matter of fact, it is much better when they co exist. What I am saying is that they are not the same thing and they do not have to be. We can enjoy one without the other or both simultaneously. I need to find someone that sees it the same way I do. I am not ready to be in love and I do not want to get involved in a relationship type situation unless I am ready to be in love. Many people would say that I should abstain from sex in that case. I disagree. We do many things for the sheer pleasure of it, why does sex have to be any different? I do not think it has to be. I could go on and on about this. The fact is that I'm really horny! I just laugh because I know I'll do nothing about it. It's hard to find someone that, not only, I am attracted to, but that also shares my views on sex. It would be irresponsible on my part to just go get it from wherever and worry about the consequences later. I'm not that type at all. I do not want to hurt anyone, especially myself. I just want to DOOOOO IIITTTT!!
okay.... enough rambling for tonight. I'm getting sillier and sillier by the moment! I'll clean later, for now I need to go to bed and sleep!
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Poetry Month
2007-04-12
It's poetry month, as quite a few of you know. Although I do belong to poetry.com, I haven't written a new poem in years, but I used to dabble a bit. In the spirit of bringing that joy to others, today I bought "Where the Sidewalk Ends" by Shel Silverstein, for my friend Dan's children. I also bought them each a little notebook and some cute mechanical pencils, for writing their own poems and stories. These children are 7 and 8. I remember loving that book as a child. I would read it and re-read it many times. I bought it a few years back and my son loved it as well. It's a good feeling to pass something like that on and see the joy in their little faces! Tomorrow I'm going to write poems with them! I'm feeling quite inspired lately! It's a nice change!1 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
My Anthony Hopkins Dream
2007-04-11
Last night I had a dream that I was having an affair with Anthony Hopkins. Somehow I was a guest in his house and we were chatting like normal people. All of a sudden I was in his bedroom and we were having a sexual encounter. I prefer not to go into detail about it because it's graphic and weird. I don't usually have dreams that include sex acts. Usually my sex dreams are all about the lead up to sex and I wake up or they begin just after the act. There I was, in my dream, having sex with Anthony Hopkins. We were under a huge fluffy comforter and his wife walked in. She was pissed but not surprised. She started lecturing both of us and she told me to go get dressed, looked at her husband and told him that "we have to take this little girl home now." I went to my room and got dressed and then she was wandering around the house doing laundry and such. Anthony Hopkins was trying to explain to her that he wanted me to stay and that he wanted to be with me now. I was confused and she looked at me and she asked me if I really thought I could handle, not only her husband, but their household. I was shocked, but I told her that I was no little girl and I could handle anything put in front of me and I was up for the task. I told her I was in love with her husband and if he wanted me around I would stay. She said "that's that then." We all got into a van and they started driving me home. The van broke down and we, all three were wandering through the streets of a town I once lived in, but apparently was my home. We went into some sort of business building. I noticed that I wasn't wearing pants. I told Anthony Hopkins that I'd like to go back to his home and put on some clothes, that I felt like I had left the room I stayed in a mess and I was feeling weird about it. He looked at me and put his arm around my shoulders and said "OK my little one, we'll go get some clothes on you." He smiled at me and started to walk me toward a car and I woke up. I laid there thinking how odd it was for me to dream about having an affair with a married man and feel no shame or guilt. Even when I was confronted by his wife I had no feelings of doing anything wrong. That is not like me at all. Even when I dream I feel the things I would generally feel in real life. My best friend thinks it's weird that my dreams often have a celebrity in the supporting role. Hmmmmmm... I don't think it's so odd. Why not cast your dreams with people you admire or respect?4 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
I Miss Him
2007-04-10
Although I have been feeling better and a whole lot less angry, I just haven't been able to stop thinking about him. Some days are easier and I just change the subject in my mind. So many things I see, hear and do, remind me of him. The hardest part about it is that I'm not really thinking about all of the bullshit. What has been on my mind is how much I really loved the guy. I was trying to remember what it was that I fell for and if I missed the warning signs. I did miss a lot of warning signs, or better yet, ignored them. I enjoyed his company. I liked him a lot and I fell in love with him. When I realized what he was, I loved him anyway. I figured that it was his bullshit and someday he would figure it out. Eventually I let myself get sucked down and started to believe that somehow I should be responsible for helping him out of his misery. How the hell I was going to do that was beyond me, but I believed that I could help and I would try anything. Anyway..... I loved him with everything in me. I believed in him. I enjoyed him. We got along very well, most of the time and it was fun. We laughed a lot. We communicated well. I thought he loved me too. He told me all the time that he did. I loved him, I still love him. I'm back where I started though. I love him and his bullshit is something that I know he must figure out for himself. I miss him though. I miss talking to him and the fun things we used to do. I miss his smile and his laughter. Mostly I miss loving him. I miss doing all the things we do when we are in love. I haven't seen him or spoken to him in person since he left. The emails stopped for about a week and a half. Then, out of the blue I got an email last night. It was strange because I was thinking about him a lot yesterday and I was sort of expecting an email when I got home from work, I don't know why. I did not respond. He inquired about mail, wished me a belated happy Easter and thanked me for giving his mother a plant. I don't know what I feel about it. I would love to be able to talk to him, but I know where that would lead. I would be hurt and sad because he has hurt me. I cannot help feeling a strong and unconditional love for the guy. I want him to be okay and happy, but I know that it's not up to me to give that to him. I just miss him so much. This time the missing him isn't making me sad. It's almost like I'm glad that I had the experience of loving someone the way I love him and now that the relationship is over I can love him without having to deal with all the bullshit. It's true that I cannot give and do the things I have in the past but I can feel the feelings and be okay with that. I have so much love inside of me. Sometimes it's hard to figure out where to put it all. I try not to get myself caught in the trap of wondering if he thinks about me and misses me. I do think of it on occasion. I had a dream about him last night. I haven't dreamed of him in weeks now. Last night I was dreaming of him and I woke feeling disturbed about it. I let it go. I know I have been missing him lately. I know that it takes time to get over it. I'm happy with the progress I'm making. I'm not sad about it anymore and the anger is almost gone too. Someday I'll quit missing him as well. That day is not today. I'll miss him less tomorrow and even less the next day. The longer it goes the less I'll miss him. I am glad that I haven't seen him as my feeling are still so strong, but that will fade too. Someday I will be able to run into him and feel nothing. Still, not today.1 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Weather Pixie
2007-04-10
Just something cute to add to your web page or blog!
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The Voice Must Die!
2007-04-10
All week long I have been reading and reading and thinking and thinking. I know that I need to put some action into these ideas. I started a new book the other day. "The Mastery Of Love" bu Miguel Ruiz. I'm still pondering these "Four Agreements". They make a lot of sense to me, as they are things that I have believed for such a long time now but have not really put much faith into. I have been letting go of a ton of anger! I'm excited about that. I have been in rewind mode in my head for the past two weeks now. Looking at everything I've believed, felt and done for so many years. When did I start hating and abusing myself? When I stopped the hate, why did I continue the abuse?
I grew up in an environment that was very abusive. My father was an alcoholic and he physically abused my step-mother on a fairly regular basis. I was the oldest child and I took on the responsibility of keeping my siblings "safe" during the episodes of violence. My father was a VERY angry man and we were all frightened of him. He never beat us children, but as we got older the verbal abuse got more and more. I watched my father abuse himself, abuse his family and eventually drink himself to death. I loved my father very much and I never understood his anger or his addiction. I never thought it was my fault or that he would be better if I was a better daughter. I did develop the idea that if I were not "perfect" that he would not love me, or more like he wouldn't be proud to have me for a daughter. I did well in school. I was fairly well behaved as a child. I always did as I was told and I never "talked back". My teen-aged years were spent mostly avoiding my family. In my room, out with friends, in drama club and so on. I suffered from depression for several years in my late teens, but it went almost completely unnoticed by my parents. They had their own problems and I was basically grown. I moved out shortly after graduation. I started doing drugs, pot, alcohol and LSD. I started having sex at 19 and I got pregnant within 3 months. That baby changed my life. I stopped doing drugs and moved home with my, first ever, boyfriend. I had my son when I was 20 and I started the career I am in now. Eventually my son's father and I broke up. I stayed single for 5 years. I had a falling out with my father when my son was 4 and he went to live with his father and eventually his grandmother. We lived about an hour apart for a few years then in the same town for a few years. I was in his life as much as I could be. I had him on weekends and during the summer, but it was easier on both of us for his grandmother to have him during the school year. I got a job offer/promotion and moved out of town. I intended to get my life together and bring my son, but before I could do that his grandmother moved him out of the state. He now lives in Missouri. I miss him so much, but I know he is being cared for and he is happy. When I got another promotion and moved again, I gave his father a job and we tried our best to do the parenting thing. It was difficult and my job was demanding as I was managing a casino. We did this for a year, before I lost my job and his father quit and went back to Missouri. My son went back after school ended. That was almost 2 years ago. During all of this, for the past 5 years I have been in some form of a relationship with my, now, ex-boyfriend. He moved in with me shortly before I lost my job, that is another story. We moved back here after I lost my position and I started dealing again. My ex was abusive. I put up with it, at first I forgave the physical abuse, then that stopped. The emotional abuse never did. I watched him abuse himself with his alcohol addiction and his anger problem. I tolerated his outbursts. He cheated and left me. He came back to me and left me again. He was never, ever honest with me. Now here I am. Trying to figure out who I am, what I am and how to never let this sort of thing happen again. I'm doing okay! I'm figuring it out. I'm realizing where I went wrong and why. I don't try to blame anyone including myself. Especially myself. I was unaware and I did my best with the knowledge and habits that I had. Now I am becoming aware and paying attention so that I can change my habits. I do not want to punish myself because of the judgements I make about myself. Judgements that are based on lies that I have agreed with. I am quieting that voice that tells me those lies. The biggest lie I have believed for almost all of my life is that I am less important than everyone. That is just not true! I don't have to be important to anyone else to make me believe that. I have to be important to myself. Now I KNOW this. It's not just something you hear about or think you agree with. It's something I know as a fact and am starting to actually feel. It's strange and scary and exciting. Now that I know, I must do something about it. I know I'm worth it, I have always known I'm worth it, I just didn't realize that it has to come from myself. We are all told this, but the liar in our head is a much more convincing voice. That voice is the voice that needs to shut the hell up! It is not the voice of reason or reality, it is the voice of treason and lies. If I can kill it completely I will!
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My Ramblings and "The Four Agreements"
2007-04-08
How to silence my internal dialogue? I have been pondering hypothetical scenarios, the what ifs, what for's, past struggles, future plights and everything else one can imagine. I've been reading a great deal this past week. I have no answers. It's all for naught anyway (all of this thinking). A waste of time and energy and a distraction from living my life in the now. Thinking, thinking and more thinking. What is real and what is truth? I have been in search of truth for so long now and what I am discovering is that the truth is all inside of me and always has been. Do I really need a reason why? Perhaps I need to know my motivation, so that I can change the way I perceive what is true and what is an illusion. What have I learned? I have learned that what I think I am is a lie, or better yet, a distortion of the truth. What I know I am hasn't changed since the day I was born. I know that I am perfect, I am love, I am life. I was created by perfection, out of perfection, in the image of perfection and the only thing I can be is perfection. It is dishonest to believe anything different. Most of the knowledge I have about who and what I am is based on flat out lies or distortions of the truth. I cannot explain this in words, without sounding like a crazy person. I am struggling with certain concepts of what I am learning. I struggle with it because of my need for an explanation that I can understand and agree with. For me, knowing the truth and living the truth are difficult pieces to combine. I ponder these ideas. I think and think and think. Thinking is not the key and I know that to be true. I am what I have always known I am. I am love incarnate. How do I live that? I have been reading Don Miguel Ruiz's books about "The Four Agreements". I read "The Four Agreements" and "The Four Agreements Companion Book" last week. This week I have been reading "The Voice of Knowledge". It feels as if the last one was written just for me. It explains things to me that I have always known or felt, but for some reason have ignored or denied. I can see tiny, very tiny changes in myself after reading these books. I know that bigger changes will come when I put into practice, the things I am learning. What are these "Four Agreements"? What is my problem with implementing them?
"Be Impeccable With Your Word" - My problem, saying and thinking bad things about myself or others is a hard habit to break!!! I am aware now when I am doing it and that is a step in the right direction.
"Don't Take Anything Personally" - My problem, Everything I say or think is so very personal. I try to find the source and it alludes me. The way it is explained seems too easy and places blame on something I have no control over and that is a hard concept for me to grasp. I could go on and on about this agreement. This is the hardest agreement for me to implement.
"Don't Make Assumptions" - My problem, it has become so natural to make assumptions based on what I believe and think that I am not always aware that I am making assumptions. This agreement gets easier by the minute. When I get confused about something that I am perceiving, I ask myself if it is something that I know to be true or if it is something I am assuming is true. What do I know is true? Not a lot at this point, but that helps me to stop assuming, and I start to let a lot of things go. What is true doesn't need to be thought about or explained it just is. I love how the author explains that at one point in time everyone assumed and agreed that the world was flat. It did not make it true but everyone assumed that it was true. Then someone decides to question it and we discover the truth. Questions are the key to this agreement. That is why I love this one so much! I am naturally inquisitive, I am searching for truth.
"Always Do Your Best" - My problem, well, not much of a problem here. My best changes from minute to minute. I can always do my best as long as I am aware. Being aware is the challenge. If I am doing or thinking something that isn't right or doesn't feel good then I think "am I doing my best?" if not, I change it and do my best and if I am, I just let it go because I can do nothing more than my best. My best is always good enough for me.
Those are "The Four Agreements". It sounds so simple but I struggle. My happiness is increasing everyday in spite of, or perhaps, because of, the struggle. I am more aware of my true self as well as the distortion of my self. Now that I am becoming aware, I no longer have to believe or agree with the distortion and lies. That alone has changed a lot of things already.
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