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A Bit Out Of Sorts

2007-05-08

Let me tell you..... the last few days have been extremely difficult for me.  It started off with the Cinco De Mayo thing and just escalated from there.  I haven't been feeling all that bad about this break up, until a few days ago.  At least that's what I thought.  Last night, I was feeling sort of down and confused.  I just couldn't shake it.  I had a couple friends over after work and had a couple beers.  I was exhausted when I went to bed.  I was just about asleep when a perfectly clear picture of David came into my head.  I could smell him and even feel him beside me and I became fully awake and startled that instant.  I couldn't get back to sleep for a long time.  Today I got up and was on my way to the chiropractor.  We were waiting at the coffee drive through and I saw his car.  It's incredible that it has taken this long for me to see it, as we live in the same town, but until today I haven't so much as seen him driving down the street.  I did not see him just his car turning at an intersection and I thought my heart was going to jump right out of my chest.  When I got home later, I took a nap and I dreamed of him.  I went to work and it was slow and boring.  I was in some sort of strange depressed mood.  I just couldn't stand it, so I came home.   I thought I might start crying at any moment, but I haven't.  I do not know what is going on with me.  I have been dealing with this so well and now, well, now I'm a mess!  What the hell?  It's been two months and I'm just now starting my breakdown?!  I cannot deny that I miss him greatly.  I will not even try to suggest that I am over him or that I do not still love him.  I thought that I was doing so well and now all I want to do is curl up in my bed and never get out.  I will though.  I will push forward, just like I always do.  I will work on myself and wait for a time when I am ready to get what I deserve.  I did not deserve to be betrayed and abandoned.  I did not deserve all of the cruelty and disregard.  I chose to participate in all of that and I hope to God that I never do it again.  I believed in something that was never true and now I must reevaluate, learn, grow and move forward.  Sometimes, like today, I feel so lost and so damned confused.  I want him here to tell me it's going to be okay and just hold me for a little while.  It's foolish and silly, I know.  He always had a way of making me feel safer and calmer than I feel without him.  It was all just a huge scam.  I must now learn how to calm myself.  I will be okay, I always have been.  It's just a rough patch, right? 

I'm lonely and I need to be touched.  I need to be hugged and kissed.  I'm not ashamed of that.  I'm not looking for it either.  I am in a strange place.  I am torn by complete solitude and finding some companionship.  I have friends, but I desire a lover and I also want to be left alone.  I want to be intellectually stimulated, but I don't want to think.  I want to get out and do new things and have new experiences but I don't ever want to get out of bed again.  the better part of me forces myself to get up every day and try and the weaker part always complains and wants to know why I'm even trying.

I started my diet again today.  In a few days I should be feeling much better.  My chiropractor visits have helped considerably.  I want to start exercising this week and I may buy a home gym.  I want to have my eyes checked and get glasses so that I don't have headaches.  I want to get a prescription for that new drug to quit smoking.  I'm on a mission to improve my health.  I just want to feel good again and my physical health will definitely help my emotional health.  I am taking my life back.  I do not know where I let it go, but it's time for me to start guiding it again.  It seems that I have been adrift for so long that I don't even remember where the wheel is at, let alone how to steer it!  I have done this before and I started with my diet and things fell into place shortly after that.  The time has come for me to take action.  I am up to the task, no matter what my weaker part is saying to me.  I have to remind myself constantly that I am NOT pathetic, just a bit out of sorts these days. 

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Mary Mary Quite Contrary (2007-05-08)
Dealing with any loss comes in waves, thats for sure. And you are doing just fine! Don't beat yourself up over feeling down about things - of course you feel down somedays, how can you not? Good or bad, he was a big part of your life...but now - now, you are doing better! No, you're doing GREAT! YOU GO GIRL! ;D

Bishop\'s Fantasy? (2007-05-08)
I'm pulling for you. How is it that a single relationship can define our actions and thoughts for so long?

Aims (2007-05-08)
You're not the only one. I have a friend who suffers the same symptoms. Well, you're mentally and emotionally strong inside. You have lots of positive things going on inside. Hang in there, I'm sure you'll pull it through.

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