[A Whole Carnival of Crazy]
I love the things that we should fearEntertaining Thoughts
2008-04-07
Dammit! You know, I've been doing a fairly good job of "getting over" my ex, lately. I've had a few situations the past few weeks, but all in all, I have been maintaining a positive outlook and not been letting myself dwell on the past or the what could have been's. I finally had to make myself stop logging on to MySpace, as I was checking his page everyday, sometimes several times a day, for activity. I was relieved when he set it back to private. I sent him a short and to the point email asking about his mother, on Easter and his reply was equally short and to the point. He hasn't messaged me or tried to see me since that strange breakfast. I have been feeling okay, for the most part.
About a week ago, I was dealing away and some guy sat down and he smelled just like my ex. A combination of his cologne and the fresh linen smell of his clothes made me think of the trip to the ocean and almost brought me to tears. I barley maintained my composure 'till break. I pondered why I still have such a strong reaction when I am reminded of him.
A week passed and I noticed that I was still hoping that he would email me every time I checked my in box. He hasn't and I am glad and disappointed all at the same time. I let myself get distracted with El Gallo for a few days; even though nothing came of that, just as I had suspected. I haven't seen or heard from him since he came over last week. I started to get a bit down on myself for letting another guy affect my emotions so dramatically.
A few days ago a friend that I work with was talking about how things were when we first opened this card room. He started talking about my ex. I got pissed! I asked him to stop and when he didn't I got all frustrated and told him it was insensitive for him to bring up my ex in front of me. I didn't want to discuss him or hear about him. I am trying to be done thinking about him.
Today, on the way to work, I was thinking about how I never see him around town. I never run into him shopping. I never end up at the same bar or restaurant. I never even pass him on the street. I was thinking about how nice it was to not have to deal with accidentally seeing him, ever. He gave me the heads up about where he works when we had breakfast several weeks back, so I can avoid any uncomfortable run-ins. I was feeling pretty satisfied with how things have been working out. What do you think happens on my way home from work tonight? You got it, I saw his car. I had just turned out of the parking lot and was headed toward home. I just got through the intersection and I saw headlights and thought that they looked like his headlights. While that thought passed through my mind, the headlights flashed and I thought, "shit, here it comes" and there it went. We passed each-other, each on our way home at 3:45 in the morning. I watched him disappear in my rear-view and I wondered what he was up to so late at night. My heart was racing and I felt sort of woozy and when I got home, I almost didn't want to be here. I just wanted to keep driving. I don't know why I still get weird like this.
I have made a conscious effort to stop talking about him. I have been unsuccessful with trying to not think about him every fucking day. I rarely bring him up in conversation, but I still have to consciously suppress the urge to do so. I constantly wonder why I am still doing this and feeling these things. I have tried to stop making so many blog entries if the only thing I have to say pertains to this subject. Quite regularly I pray to stop loving him or to forget him completely. I hate that I compare everything and every one to him. So many things go through my mind, still, about how things were, how I thought they were, how I felt and how I feel now. I don't understand why it is taking so long for me to let it go. I haven't had one single day, since I first started having a crush on him, that I haven't thought about him. I have thought about him everyday for almost six years. No wonder it is so hard for me. That puts it into perspective right there. Six years is a strong habit. To break a habit I need to find a replacement for it. I don't know what to do exactly, but I have to stop this. For goodness sake, I still ponder if certain outfits would look good on him. I wonder if he needs new shoes or new jeans. I often think about how much or little he would be enjoying himself if he were doing, with me, the things I do. When I think of going fishing, I wonder when the last time he went fishing was and then it leads to a whole train of questions, like, is his tackle box stocked and does he still have the one I bought for him? I'm a nut and I know it. I see things that I know he would like and that I know I would buy if he were still stringing me along. I am still doing all of these things, over a year later! When does it end? It's everything, movie previews, video game commercials, reruns of The Sopranos, everything.
I just need a distraction. Just for a while and nothing too serious. Just a little something to break me off of my habit. I'm like a freakin' junkie! OY! I need someone else to take up my thoughts and desire to spoil. I need a little tryst to solidify the idea that my last relationship was mostly in my head and that it wasn't true love, fate, meant to be, or any other silly thing that I may have let myself believe over the past several years. A fictional fantasy, and mostly a waste of time. If I am going to live in a fantasy, then I want it to be MY fantasy. I want to know it's a fantasy instead of being fooled into believing that it is real, reciprocated and that there is some sort of long term future in it. I'd rather just play around for a few months and then move on to the next fantasy. Things take on a whole different lightness when you know from the start that the story you are writing is fiction. Fiction is for entertainment and we all know that I love to be entertained!
Sheehy (2008-04-15)
What if instead of 6 it were 20?
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