[A Whole Carnival of Crazy]
I love the things that we should fearHiatus is over.
2008-03-23
I tried to give myself a hiatus from blogging everyday. I only managed to remain silent for 11 days. That is huge! I felt as if I would go crazy. So many things have happened in the interim. Most of it has to do with my job. I do not really feel like going into that this morning. All I have to say about it is that I may find myself making a dramatic move to another city in the next few months. I don't know for sure. I guess I will have to wait and see how things develop here and what my attitude is toward everything. I am a bit scared, but when am I not these days?
I was sick last week and I didn't get anything accomplished. I had my house almost completely clean and now it's just a filthy pigsty once again. I went off my diet and I haven't been able to get back on track there. I went through something very intense and dark the last few weeks. I cannot deal with myself when I am not letting it out in some form. I started thinking dangerous thoughts again. I try my best not to dwell on them, but I noticed that I was actually planning scenarios and I even went so far as to set a time frame. I haven't thought those thoughts since high school. I hate the hopeless and helpless way it feels. I have been feeling a bit better the past few days, but I am thinking of seeing a professional and getting medicated. That is something I am completely against, but I am scared and I am having troubles dealing with it on my own. I cannot do this with my son around to witness it. I worry that I will infect him with my darkness. This, above all else, I want to protect him from.
I haven't heard from my ex in a while. I forget when he messaged last, but he just sent something on MySpace questioning my private setting. I have tried to stay away from his profile, but I haven't succeeded. I still check everyday. It's stupid. I was disappointed when he decided to correct his spelling of listening. I thought it was hilarious that he was always listing! hahahahahahaha! It makes me laugh out loud, seriously! He has finally set it back to private so I don't actually see his page and it is a good thing because I am tempted to read his blog and, although I have done a good job of controlling myself these past few weeks, I wasn't sure how much longer I could hold out. I like it better when the choice is taken out of my hands. He hasn't tried to pursue anything more on the friendship front. I assume he changed his mind or doesn't have the time, energy or desire for it. I haven't thought much about his side of things really. I haven't considered my side much either. I consider my feelings, sure, but I think that I am resolved to never pursuing any form of relationship with him ever again. It is difficult for me to make that sort of commitment in my heart. I think of him often; perhaps too often still. I don't know how long I am supposed to keep doing this, but apparently a little longer.
I am having a bit of a struggle with another issue. My ex's mother. I haven't communicated with her in almost a year. I promised her that I would quit smoking, last summer and I did. I had quite a few emotional, drunken episodes that summer and I just couldn't maintain my friendship with her. I have felt really bad about it. I have stopped myself, every holiday, from getting her something. I struggle constantly with my feelings. I do not want to make my friendship with her become a way to deal with my feelings for her son. I do not want to make things uncomfortable for her, my ex or his family. I feel guilty and sad for abandoning that relationship. She has tried to message me on MSN but I am always away and I never know what to say when I see that she is still trying. I want to talk with her, but I feel like she is a mother figure to me and I just cannot let her play that part, when so much of my internal strife has to do with the outcome of the relationship I had with her son. I am really torn on this subject. I gave in to my urge this morning. i bought her an Easter gift. I got her an Easter Lily plant and a pretty little silver & diamond cross necklace. I was just going to leave it on her front porch with a card, but I am not even sure if she is still living there. I had to email my ex to ask if she is. I didn't tell him why. I am nervous to see her, or talk to her face to face. I am afraid that I might become overwhelmed with emotion and cry in front of her. I hate it when I do that. I feel silly and weak. I want her to know that I think about her almost as often as I think about her son and that I care about her just as much. I don't really know how to handle this. I am not really ready to jump back into our friendship just yet, but I want her to know that I still care. I don't know what to do.
That's about it. I'm trying to be a good mother, but I feel like I am failing. I am doing my best to not let my internal drama play itself out in reality. I am definitely failing on that front! I am trying to stay positive, but it's been difficult the past few weeks. I am lonely as hell! I haven't been kissed in over 5 months. I feel unattractive and unwanted. I haven't even touched a man, intimately, in over two months. I am lonely. I wish that the new guy would call, but I think that he is gone for good. Oh well. I don't really need a man in my life right now I guess. I just need to be patient, I suppose. Things have a strange way of working themselves out anyway. Patience is NOT my forte. There is really nothing else I can do right now then, is there?
Barnabus (2008-03-24)
This move if it comes about, might be just the ticket!!! A new beginning!! To get you into some new situations, new people and relationships, and hopefully...and I believe it will...a new love!!!
"They" say...adversity can grind us and make us bitter, or it can polish us, and make us better!! and it's pretty much our choice!! I can't even visualize it making you bitter!! ain't gonna happen!!!!
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