Skip to: Site menu | Main content

An Anniversary of Sorts

2008-03-11

Today is the day.  The one year mark for being uncoupled.  I think I should celebrate my singlehood.  I should make it okay that I am neither married nor coupled.  I am not any less of a person.  I am not unworthy of love, affection or romantic attention.  I am single.  That is not something demeritorious!  I am 34 and I have never been married.  That does not mean that something is amiss, that I am inadequate or undeserving.  It merely means that I have not found an appropriate partner to commit the remainder of my life to.

I am trying not to put a negative spin on this.  I would rather, try, to consider it a celebratory day; rather than a day of mourning and, just plain, self pity.  I am so tired of feeling sorry for myself.  I am also weary of missing something I never really had and a feeling that I may never experience again.  I am exasperated with feeling like there is something inherently wrong with me so that I may not have what I want or hang on to what I have.  I am done with forcing myself to believe that I do not deserve any form of happiness.  Today is the day that I am going to commit to focusing on my happiness.

I have spent an entire year questioning myself and feeling sorry for myself.  I have cried myself to sleep more nights than not.  I have been so angry that I have forgotten how it feels to not hurt inside.  I have been angry with myself.  I have been very judgemental, accusatory and self condemning.  I resolve to treat myself better!

One year ago, today, I was abandoned and I have spent the entire year sabotaging my recovery.  Today I will rectify that and start a new chapter in my story.  I will do it because I want to. I deserve it and I think that I can.

Tonight I will open a very nice bottle of wine that I bought a few weeks ago.  I will find a few chick flicks to watch.  I will feel good about being single and spending time with myself, being me and enjoying the evening the way I like.  I may cry, I may have a few moments of weakness and I know that I will miss him.  For the most part, I am going to be brave and as strong as I possibly can to get through this night without falling completely apart.  One year is HUGE for me.  Let's hope that the two year mark passes without significance or recognition.

Link to This | Back to top

Barnabus (2008-03-12)
YAY!!! Sounds like growth!!! Time to move on!!! I agree...not that..that means much! Time to quit being your own sparring partner, and beating up on yourself!!

[ Back to top ]

Created with ShoutPost