[A Whole Carnival of Crazy]
I love the things that we should fearKeeping it Fluffy.
2008-03-11
I am so sick of men telling me that they want to keep our meetings secret! I understood with the Mariachi, because after all, he is married and committing a mortal sin! The New Guy asked me to keep our meetings a secret and now my ex has asked that I keep it a secret as well. It just pisses me off! Am I really so horrible? Jeez! It just makes me feel so insignificant when I let people treat me like that. I am not doing anything wrong. I am not seeing the Mariachi anymore. The new guy is single and available, besides I am not doing anything shameful with him. My ex is married and I haven't done anything that I should be ashamed of. The only thing I have done is blog about our meetings. It is not my fault who reads my blog. I am almost convinced that it is time to delete my MySpace again and find a new place to blog, just so I do not cause problems for anyone. Then I think, fuck that, I am doing nothing wrong! I am not lying and I am not trying to hide anything.
Sunday morning I got home from work and my ex had left me a message to write him. It sounded urgent, so I messaged him back and asked if he was okay. He asked me to call him and I said absolutely not! Then he asked if I wanted to go get something to eat. I don't know why, but I agreed to meet him at Shari's. We had breakfast and talked for a bit. He basically told me that he should not have told me that he was still in love with me. I agree! He should not have said that. I was right it was all a bunch of bullshit. He told me that he is happy with his life and I told him that I was glad for him and I am. I feel like a huge loser, but I am glad for him anyway. He told me that he thinks we should be friends and I told him that we cannot. I have issues. He wants to help me sort them out. I told him that it is not his responsibility to help me sort out my issues. I don't understand why he wants to be friends. I tried to explain to him that I really want a husband. I want a real relationship with someone and if I try to be friends with him, I will keep wanting it from him. I don't want to keep wanting him, I want to get over him. How can I do that if I am trying to have a friendship with him? He thinks that I can do it and it will be good for both of us. Honestly, I don't think he wants me to get over him and he definitely doesn't want me to find someone else and give "what is his" to someone else. In all truth, my heart is still his. I don't know how to change it, but I do know that it will not change if I start hanging out with the guy. Besides; I do not think that married people should have relationships that their spouse cannot have access to; and I will NEVER be friends with his wife. I don't want them to have problems or fights because of me, what I think, feel or say. I don't want to know their personal business.
I don't want to let go either. I want to keep him in my life. He brought up some good points of why we should stay friends. He said that if I didn't want to that it was okay. Well thanks for the permission. I don't think that he understands that it is not a matter of me wanting to or not. I want him in my life for sure. I want to spend time with him every fucking day! I should be able to stay friends with him and put my emotions to the side for the benefit of the friendship; right? That's just me trying to rationalize something that is wrong. I know that we communicate in a way that I don't communicate with anyone else. He claims that it is the same for him. I don't feel like I should be doing that with a married man, unless it's a man that is married to me. I am not suggesting that I am doing anything wrong, because I am very careful not to do or say anything that is inappropriate, but it is an emotional connection that I feel when I am with this guy and he should not be available in that way, not to me anyway. I have inappropriate feelings for a married man. I cannot help it, I had these feelings before he was a married man. I just can't make them go away is all.
I don't want to be in love with him. I do not want him back, not like someone would think. Our relationship was a huge fiasco and mostly fictional! I want something that is true and real. What I am missing is the way I felt when I was with him. Every time I am with him. When I say with, I mean "in his presence", just spending time with him. I don't know what it is or how to duplicate it. I have never felt anything similar from anybody else. Okay, perhaps that isn't true, because I have really been giving this idea an enormous amount of thought. It is similar to the way I felt with my father. It's kind of crazy; I know. I miss my dad; he's the only man that I knew, for sure, loved me unconditionally. I knew that if I really needed him, he would be there for me, he was my dad. Now I am not suggesting that my ex fulfilled my daddy issues, but in a way he did I guess. I felt like, no matter how fucked up things got, he would always be there for me. I also believed that he would never let me go and if he had to, he would fight to keep me. It's all so laughable now, but when I am around him I still get that calming and easy feeling, like everything will be okay. I hate it! I want to get that from one person only, MY HUSBAND! Definitely NOT someone else's husband! I don't know how he does it, but he always manages to say the perfect things to me, at just the right time, in just the right way. He's always done it. It was a huge part of why I fell in love with him. I know he is a giant bullshitter and a bald faced liar, but he says things so deeply personal to me that I have no choice but believe him. He has done it from the beginning of our relationship and he continues to do it every time I talk to him. I don't even know if he realizes that he does it. It's as if he speaks directly to my soul. I am not even kidding. That is exactly why I must get over him and I must not continue a friendship with him. It is more than a friendship to me, it always has been, it always will be and I am just not to be trusted under those circumstances. I will never try to do anything that makes his life more difficult. He says he has found happiness and I am glad for him. He doesn't need me in his life and he shouldn't want it either. Everything I have to offer he can get from his wife, he should look for and find it there.
It seems that I am very idealistic when it comes to marriage. Perhaps I am. I am not christian, or even religious for that matter, but I do believe that marriage is sacred and it is something that scares the shit out of me. 50% of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce. I want to make sure that I do it right the first time. I am so freaked out about divorce that I may never get married! I am even ruling out men that have been divorced as potential partners. I am sort of lucky I guess, because I am nearing the age bracket with the lowest % divorce rate. I cannot even imagine having to go through a divorce. This breakup has been hard enough for me! I do not know how people even survive it! I don't think it is easy to stay married. In fact, I think the opposite. I think it is hard and something you must be committed to working on and nurturing. I think that too many couples do not take it seriously enough. I want to find someone with the same attitude I have about the matter of committing yourself to someone for life. I want to find a partner that agrees with me about the boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not in a marriage. I want someone I can learn from and grow with. I want to be a partner that offers that as well. I do not think that any of this is easy. Anything worth having is worth working for and, sometimes, fighting for. I know that I am worth it and I wish I would finally meet the guy that believes it too!
All of the thinking I have been doing is making me ill. I am serious! I am coming down with something. I stayed in bed most of the day, just to rest up and hopefully avoid a congested and mucous cold. EUWWW, Gross! I am conflicted, like usual. I am trying my best to figure out what the right thing to do is. I have not told ANYBODY of the breakfast I had with my ex. This is the first I've mentioned it. I just don't want all the advice that comes with It I guess. I know every one's opinion already. I will figure out what is right for me on my own, I'm sure. If I'm wrong, I'll backtrack and try a different approach. I've banned myself from talking about David at all, except in my blog. That's why I started this blog after all. This is how I sort it all out. I don't know if I ever really get anywhere with all this sorting and re-sorting! At least, it helps me organize and put a language to my thoughts and feelings. I feel less pressure when I have typed a bunch of crap out of my mind! I might be a crazy woman, but it's not really hurting anyone is it? Yeah, I didn't think so. Life does not have to be this heavy! If something helps lighten it for me, then good! That is what I want to keep doing! The things that help keep my life fluffy!
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