[A Whole Carnival of Crazy]
I love the things that we should fearJust a little freak-out!
2008-03-07
Okay, I'm freaking out. I think I am having a mild panic attack. I don't want to let him go. Plain and simple. I want to hold on forever. I am really feeling strange and panicked! I want to cry maybe. I was doing good all day too. I kept myself busy and didn't think much about it. Now that it's late and I'm tired, I am freaking out. I'm sure that I'll be okay, but what the hell?!!
I still haven't finished cleaning the house. I took another load of crap out of the garage, I did the dishes from yesterday. I swept the dining room. My son and I went shopping for dinner. I made dinner and watched a movie. The whole day seemed to slip by so quickly. I started to straighten up the living room and the bathroom. I'm getting closer, but I want it all to be done already.
David never responded to the message I sent him this morning. I did another search for his profile and he's set it back to private, thank goodness. I need to just quit! I was doing so well with not looking for him on MySpace. Until two weeks ago I hadn't even attempted to look for his page. What is my deal now? I can't seem to use enough restraint and just stay away. I feel like a stalker! I don't understand myself! I am letting myself be all crazy! NOTHING HAS CHANGED AMY!!!! He is married and doesn't give a shit about you! Wake up and face the TRUTH! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK!
okay here's the deal. You don't just get to drop by your ex-girlfriends house, tell her you are in love with her still and then not say anything else to her for two fucking weeks! You could have at least emailed and apologized for being inconsiderate and wrong! You could have written it all off to having too much to drink. You should have let me know that you were just fucking with my mind and that you wouldn't do it again. I am so fucking pissed at you for jumping into my road and making me hope that you were telling me the truth. I am pissed at myself for wanting it to be the truth. I am even more pissed off for wanting you to do something about it. Fuck you David! It's all so funny isn't it? Does it make you feel special that I torture myself over you? Does it do something for you, knowing that I cannot , EVER, get you out of my mind? Does it make you just as sick as it makes me, to think that I may never get over this? Well, I want you to know that I WILL get over this! I will get over it and you won't give a shit if I do; just like you have never given a shit about anything I ever do. Fuck it, fuck it all. None of it matters anyway, it never did.
See....... I am freaking the fuck out! I am scared as hell! I am scared and I don't know why. I don't know how or what to feel if I let it go! I don't know what else to think about or even how to think about something else. I've been doing this for so long now, it feels like I have been doing it forever; almost like I don't remember a time before it. I feel like a junkie trying to get clean. I am petrified and I just want him to come make things okay for me. I told him to stop reading my blog and I tried to piss him off so that he would. I don't want him to see this. I don't want him to know that it is like this for me. It's so strange to want to rid yourself of the same person that you want to come save you. The conflicting emotions are really fucking with my mind.
I am doing the right thing. I know it's going to be hard. I am no stranger to this. I've been doing it all year. As a matter of fact, in just a few short days it will be exactly one year since he took his shit and left. He left on a Sunday, I think it was the 11th. This year the 11th is on a Tuesday. I think I'll get drunk. I have the perfect bottle of wine for the occasion. I just have to end this. I am making myself a crazy person! I was talking to a guy the other day and he told me that his grandmother is still in love with his grandfather and they have been divorced for 14 years! I cannot hang on to this for 14 years!
Okay....... my freak-out session is abating! I will be able to handle this and I will be okay all on my own. I may feel crazy and scared sometimes, but I will get through it and it will be easier next time. I can be brave and move forward through my fear. I have to. Someone is waiting for me on the other end and he is wondering what is taking me so long to get to him. That is what is going to get me through this. I know I sort of gave up, half way through, but I think I am back on track with it now. I am going to have times like this, where I freak out completely. I am just going to have to stay focused until I am no longer trying to get over this and I just am over it. I can do this, I am going to do this!
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