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Ten Confessions

2008-03-05

I confess; I am a crazy person!  Okay, I feel like a crazy person, but I'm in a pretty good mood lately so I just laugh at myself for most of it.  I am so glad that Spring is finally here.  The bright sunny weather inspires me to be happy and be a better person.  Thank goodness too, because I wasn't sure how I was going to make it out of the dark place I've been in for so long now. 

I woke up early this morning.  I got out of bed at 6 am because I had to pee!  I figured that I would check my email and start my day.  I did what I usually do and logged on to my home page, no interesting emails, logged into MySpace, no new messages,  checked my favorites to see if David has been on recently; this is where it gets crazy.  I see that he has updated his profile around 12:30 last night so I click his picture to see if he changed his mood or his friend status message.  The link takes me directly to his page!  I don't know why he made it public, but I freaked out and shut all my browser windows down immediately!  I caught my breath and logged back on and checked Shoutpost and considered blogging, but I was freaked out!  I went back to bed.  I didn't sleep I just laid there and thought.  Three hours later, I decided to get up and start my day.  I have this idea how to attack this problem I am having, letting go of him.  Here is a list of my confessions.

1.  I have been checking his MySpace status everyday, sometimes several times a day, since he came over a few weeks ago.  I sort of felt like a stalker, but it seemed harmless enough as his page was set to private so I could not read it.  I just started doing this over the past few weeks, I am not sure why.

2.  I have really been wishing that he would email, call or come over again for the past few weeks.  I feel like I want to talk to him.  I haven't really thought much on what my agenda might be, I just have a strong desire to see him.

3.  Sometimes, not always, but sometimes I write things in my blog because I hope he will read them.  I never lie, everything I write is what I am actually feeling or thinking, but sometimes I find myself writing things that I want him to know, things that are specifically for him.

4.  I am afraid to let go of him.  There I said it.  I am scared and I don't know why.  I have only been half trying, if that for several months now.  I have been so frustrated with myself, because I know that I have been feeling this way for a while now.  I confuse my fear with not wanting to let go.  I do not know what I am afraid of.

5. I am ready to take the steps necessary to put him out of my mind, my heart forever.  I know that I will always love him, but I don't have to stay in love with him do I?  I can move on with my life and find an available man that is right for me.  I don't need to keep dwelling on what I thought I had, and what I cannot have with a man that never wanted me in the first place.  I need to move on and be strong. 

6.  I have saved every email he sent me when he started communicating with me again last September.  I have pictures of him, still, on my computer.  I still haven't deleted his last 3 MySpace messages.  I have resolved to purge my computer of all that stuff today.  It will be part of my Spring cleaning!

7.  When I post song lyrics it is a statement about how I am feeling or what I am thinking at that moment.  Most of the time it is reference to how I am feeling about David.

8.  I started this blog to help get over my ex and I have turned it into a place to whine and feel sorry for myself.  I am sick to death of that and I do not want to do that any more.  It may be the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I WILL get over this guy.

9.  I would have taken him back at any time this entire year.  Now I feel like I have just wasted another year on him and for no reason.  He never gave me any reason to believe that I should wait for him.  Now that he has come to me to "confess his love"  for me, I am skeptical.  He puts no action behind his words and it has pissed me off and made me look at myself a bit closer.  I do NOT want this relationship.  This is the relationship we have always had.  He says things that aren't true and I try my best to believe them and structure my life around that.  I am done doing that.  I will not build my hopes and dreams on lies anymore, ever again.

10.  I want to be happy.  I want to feel joyful and carefree.  I want the same for David, but I cannot make it my responsibility to get him there.  I can only get there myself.  I have every confidence that he will find it for himself.  I am done worrying about it and wanting to help him get it.  I have myself to worry about and help.   That is just how it's going to be from now on.  I can only take care of my side of things.  I cannot make sure that everyone in my life is taking care of their end.  I have severed ties with several people this year because they did not take care of their end.  I set boundaries with everyone but David.  It is time that I figure out what those boundaries are and implement them.

Those are my confessions.  Now I can start working on the areas that need the most attention.  That is just what I intend to do.  I cannot get to where I want to be if I am dwelling on the past and standing still waiting for something to happen.  I must get busy and start making things happen.  I know this.  I am scared, but what is the worst that can happen, right?

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