[A Whole Carnival of Crazy]
I love the things that we should fearOld Thoughts, New Realizations.
2008-03-04
Today I started my weekend early. I got out of bed around 10 am and went all over town, with a friend, to pay bills and shop. I, of course, started thinking about David. I always do when the weather is nice and I am being shuttled around town! I miss him and how he made sure I got the stupid daily tasks accomplished. I always appreciated that about him. I t may have seemed insignificant to him, but to me, I felt taken care of, less stressed, and a sense of accomplishment and on top of all that, just spending time with him was fun. I tried to put that out of my mind while I was shopping and then we went to lunch.
I was out all day. When I returned home, I started right in on the cleaning I plan on finishing by Thursday. I had bought my son a kite while I was out, so he put it together and wanted to go to the park and fly it. My friend and i walked with him to the park and we flew his kite. It was fun, but I noticed that I was not only thinking about David again, but I was talking about our trip to Ocean Shores almost 2 years ago. I was laughing about the kite we bought and had such a good time flying. I was telling my friend how cute and excited David was once he got the hang of flying it and that we flew it 'till it was too dark to see it! I explained how David thought it was sort of a silly idea to buy a kite and fly it, but I had insisted and once we got it in the air he was hooked! I fly a kite at least once every spring, except for last spring, since I was a little girl. I love it. My son remembers being little and flying kites with me, I am sure my youngest sister also remembers me taking her to the park when she was little. I just love it, it makes me feel young and carefree. I actually ran today! I NEVER run!
It was a good day and thinking of David did not make me sad. I noticed this early in the afternoon and pondered it for a few minutes. I wondered if I had finally reached a point where I could be friends with him and perhaps invite him to lunch sometime. Then I put it out of my head. That is just a crazy thought and I know it. I will always want more than friendship with that man and it is pointless to pursue any form of relationship, unless it is the relationship I want. He is unavailable for the relationship I want, so I must be brave and strong and just stop myself from thinking about it. That way I can put myself in a position to find a man that is available for the relationship I want. Then I read something today that made me realize that most of my relationship with David was very Sisyphean. I was constantly working and trying to make that relationship work, but at the end of the day it was always right where it always was. Now I have to wonder, Why am I giving so much of MY energy, my thoughts, my time and my heart to this man? It really is not getting me anywhere and nowhere closer to what I want to be in life.
I have to look at things as they are. I am single and looking to find an available man that wants to pursue a relationship with me. I am living in the past and in the past I was in an imaginary relationship with a man that was, almost constantly, dating other women. I treated that "relationship" like it was a committed, lifelong relationship. No wonder I was hurt so bad when he finally found what he wanted and stopped seeing me to pursue that. I was fooling myself. I wanted to believe that if I treated the relationship like the relationship I wanted to be in then it would eventually turn into the relationship I wanted to be in. I almost feel foolish for that, but I didn't know I was doing that. I kept trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, but the facts are, that I just chose to be in a relationship with a man that was not in a relationship with me. I chose to live in a lie because I didn't know how, or was too afraid to make it real. I love that man with everything in me, but he was never as into me as I was him and he was never as interested in a relationship and future with me as I was with him. He told me repeatedly and I wouldn't listen. He told me he could walk away at any moment and never look back and I didn't believe him, and then he did it. I have spent an entire year recovering from shock and disbelief and trying to figure out what the hell I did wrong. I didn't do anything wrong! I chose wrong. That is all. I chose to be in an imaginary relationship! I am not going to even beat myself up over it! I was not aware of it 'till now. I thought I was just being understanding and patient. In reality I was just allowing myself to be used as a stepping stone. I am not ashamed of it. I didn't understand how I was allowing that to happen. I thought that it was part of how I loved him. I now realize that it was part of how I was not loving myself. I never expected anything in return for my love and devotion, so I never set boundaries for how I should be treated. I confused boundaries for expectation of reciprocated love. Now I know that there is a difference and I must find out how to set boundaries. I just want to be happy and I want to find someone to be happy with me!
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