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One Step Forward.

2008-03-03

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me I've been alone all along  ~ Evanescense ~

 Two steps forward and one step back; that is how my recovery from this breakup has been going for a year now.  I felt okay with that because, it seemed that I was making progress; no matter how slow or little.  The last two weeks have been hell for me.  It's almost been like a whole new breakup with the man.  I wonder why I haven't heard from him and I am confused.  I check his MySpace, where he is "always watching..always...listing." and I don't know what he is listing but it makes me laugh, everyday to see if he has been online.  I haven't done anything like that since he left.  I know that his profile is set to private, so I can't see his page, thank goodness!  I also cannot send him messages!  That is a blessing all in itself.  I will never email him again, but sometimes I really want to.  I want to know why he told me that he still loves me and then just decided to never speak to me again.  I let it torture me. 

 I cannot even talk to my closest friends about it.  I feel lost and alone and it's sort of scary.  None of them want to hear that I still love him.  They don't understand and I get lectured about how bad he treated me and how crazy I must be to still want him in my life.  I don't care what they all think.  I cannot stop feeling this way.  I'm tired of hearing it, really.  As I am sure that they are tired of hearing my side as well.  I am closing the book on that.  My personal life is off limits to everyone.  I will not discuss it with my friends anymore.  From the beginning, everyone, warned me about him and advised against getting involved with him.  I did what I wanted and this is where I ended up.  I am tired of the "I told you so" and "if you would have listened to me".  I don't want to be reminded of every fucking thing he did to hurt me anytime I suggest that I still have feelings for the guy.  I replay our entire relationship on a daily basis.  I know and I remember EVERYTHING! 

I have slid back to the place where I am questioning everything to find out where I went wrong.  What did I do or not do to fail my relationship?  I really wanted to get to that point of the conversation with him.  Unfortunately, for me, my other ex acted all psycho and interrupted the whole thing before I could get the conversation to that point.  The only thing I accomplished was to make him feel bad about himself.  I am not proud of that.  I never wanted to be that girl, but I guess I am.  I wanted to ask him questions.  My biggest question is always, "why wasn't I good enough?".  I don't want anyone to settle for me, but i do want to know the things that I need to change so that I don't mess up anymore relationships i might get into.  He said things that i hate hearing.  Things about his wife and his unhappiness.  I don't want to hear that.  I want to believe that he left me for something better.  It makes me wonder how horrible i could have been to make him run away to be unhappy somewhere else.  I want to know these things.  Not so I can fix them for him, but so i can change myself for my future relationships.  i want to be aware of the things that made him run away from me.

I have been so hard on myself lately.  I notice all the relationships around me and i wonder "why not me, what is wrong with me."  All types of people, fat, skinny, ugly, beautiful, stupid, angry, peppy, negative, happy, creepy, dirty, stylish, shy, bubbly, whiny, old, young, tall, short, everyone.  They all have relationships.. I wonder what my problem is.  Ami just the right combination of something that people do not want to get involved with?  Like when eHarmony rejects you!  Sorry, nobody could possibly love someone like you!  I cannot be that bad could I?  Am I destined to loneliness?  Is it the lesson that I am here to learn?  I have to love myself and then nothing else matters, right?  Bullshit!  I am lonely dammit!  I finally felt what it was like to be in love and share everything about yourself with someone. I miss it and I want that feeling back.  I want to know what I did wrong to lose it.  I want to know what to change so that I can find it again. 

I think about situations I would like to experience.  Fantasies, I guess you would call them.  I fantasise more now than i have in years.  I try not to put specific people in my fantasies and i am very careful to remove my ex when he pops up!  I've noticed that I fantasize mostly about regaining that feeling of excitement and joy that I felt at the beginning of my last relationship.  The weightlessness of falling in love.  I must still believe in romantic love.  How could I not, when i am still feeling it for my ex?  FUCK!  I still think it is a huge lie, but a lie I must believe in , none the less.  Oh well.  if i am going to believe in something that isn't real then I want to it to make me feel good, not horrible and negative towards myself.  That's why this is hard.  Believing that he loved me made me feel good, and knowing that he doesn't makes me feel shitty.  So, I fantasize about replacing that feeling with another guy.  Not a specific guy, just a different one.

I am working on being more desirable.  I went back on my diet and I've lost around 20 pounds.  I need to re-read the Four Agreements and start putting them into effect in my life again.  I want to start exercising on a regular basis.  I know i will feel better if I start moving around more.  I need a better attitude and i want to get over my bullshit.  As much as i loved being in love with David, I really just want to feel the way I did just before I got involved with him.  I am going to give this a real try.  I want out of this misery that I have been languishing in!  I hate it and it has become so boring that I don't even want to think about it anymore.  David is gone, spring is here and I am going to give it my all to move forward!  I want to feel like a whole person again.  If I just quit waiting and hoping for the man I love to return to me, and just live my life on my own terms, then how can i really go wrong.  Right?  I know my own heart and i know that I truly have been hanging on to a tiny bit of hope that he would come home to me.  I need to let that hope go now. I am ready to do what is necessary to do that.  Staying positive is the first step and that involves putting a end to all of the beating up on myself that I have been doing.  I don't deserve that.  I cannot be happy if i never allow myself to be happy.  I am going to ease up on myself, starting Today.  That is truly a step forward!

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Barnabus (2008-03-03)
GOTTA STOP!!!!!

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