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Spring Cleaning Day!

2008-02-28

Well... let's see.  I have done NOTHING this weekend!  I slept most of it away.  I'm all messed up over my ex.  I have been waiting for him to email or stop by again.  I, somehow, really wanted to talk to him and I almost emailed him.  I couldn't though because it's crossing a line.  He never emailed and he hasn't come by again.  There you go.  Fuck that guy!  It was all bullshit.  Everything he said to me.  It always is.  There is never any backup to anything he tells me.  I should know better and I should learn to let go of that tiny bit of hope that he's finally telling me something valid and true.  It never happens and it makes me sad.  Oh well.  Really, I'm no worse off than I was last week.  At least now I know.  I wanted to believe him, that our entire relationship wasn't bullshit.  It was all bullshit. 

I really shouldn't think that, because it was very real for me.  Everything I said and felt was real and true.  It still is.  I don't pretend to be or feel something that I am not.  Sometimes I try to not let it show.  I am honest and I feel so many things that are conflicting, it gets confusing.  I always try to do the right thing though.  The lines get blurry sometimes, but I do the best I can.  I am doing my best, always, and there is nothing more than that, it's all I can do.  I want to be happy and I know that I cannot be happy if I do the wrong thing or I am not trying my best.  I want what is best for me and for him.  I want him to be happy and do the right thing, but it is not my responsibility to make sure that happens or to guide him, counsel him or anything.  I can only take care of my end.  I have to do what is responsible and best for everyone involved.  I cannot let myself be selfish and I will not.  Sometimes we have to do things we do not want to do to get what we do want.  For instance, I do not want to clean this stupid house, but I want to live in a clean house, so there you go!  I have to do the things that are necessary to get me to where I want to be and that is my focus starting today!  This house is getting cleaned tonight!  Nothing is going to stop me from accomplishing that! YAY ME!

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