[A Whole Carnival of Crazy]
I love the things that we should fearSepia Morning
2008-02-26
It's a sepia morning and I am siting here eating peanut butter off of a spoon. I have been up all night getting nothing accomplished. I watched some television, listened to some music, updated MySpace, joined Tickle.com and wasted a bunch of time taking relationship quizzes. I am trying, once again, to get the intensely emotional feelings for David out of my head. This sucks. Really...... I don't know why I put myself through this. He is definitely my strongest weakness. I know I should have been strong and not let him talk to me. I knew it would do this to me. Make me crazy! I know myself very well, and I know how I let him affect me. I have always let him affect me in crazy, emotional ways. I need to stop doing that. I do not understand why he felt a burning desire to come see me. So what, he thinks he is in love with me still, he's a married man. A year ago he thought that he didn't love me and he was, for sue, in love with his wife. He thought that the mere fact that she was having his son meant that she was the "one" and they would live happily ever after. He was sure that he loved her the same way I love him, unconditionally and for eternity. He was SURE about "us" not being right. It didn't occur to him that it might be just another girl having another one of his children, the only difference is the gender of his child. It didn't occur to him that it takes more than love and faith in love to make a relationship work. He never anticipated that he would miss his life over here.
I never thought he hated me, just that he didn't ever really care. It's always about him. What he wants, feels and needs. Now he feels hurt that I finally recognized the lie and call it how I see it. Now he wants to believe that lie????? What the hell? Let me ask this one question, if you really love someone, truly, passionately and forever, can you actually do something that you KNOW will devastate them and scar them forever? Can you really do that and still say you love them? I can't. I just cannot ever, never ever, conceive of doing something that could possibly destroy him; even now, after all of this, I could never, knowingly, hurt him the way he hurt me. My love is true and his, well.... my love is true and real. I just do not understand how he can say what he feels for me is love. How can he even consider that? He never believed in us. He was always looking for something else, something more, something different than me. He found it alright. He once said to me, and very hatefully I might add, "I am never getting married, especially to you!" I believed him. Although I really want to have a husband, I loved him so much that I was willing to compromise even that. I knew he would impact my life in a major way the first time I looked him in the eye. I didn't even know that I would be moving here then. It was like an electric shock and I knew. I knew he was important, I just didn't know why or how. I still believe in love at first sight, simply because of that. I don't know if he remembers or even noticed. I remember. I remember tons of things. The first time I danced with him. I could feel the electricity running through me. I am not exaggerating. Still, when he touches my skin, I feel it. The time I think about, all too frequently, is this time early in our relationship. He picked me up to just go for a ride in his car, I always loved that, anyway... He was taking me home and driving fast up a big hill. I unbuckled my seatbelt, got on my knees on the seat and kissed him like I had never kissed anyone before or after that. We were at the top of the hill when it started and as we came over the summit and started the descent, everything around me disappeared and it was just me and him and a feeling like I was on fire in a roller coaster! I will never forget that. I doubt he remembers. I, highly, doubt he experienced anything similar to that. I smile every time I think of it, none the less. Good times, man! Like our trip to the science center! He sat in a huge chair and I freaked out in a space ride! I laugh out loud! We had fun! He's just missing the fun.
He is not, nor ever was in love with me. I was always a fun and understanding friend and a good backup plan. I am not going to be his backup plan ever again. He strung me along for years, why, because he is afraid, YEP, I said it, AFRAID to be alone. He needs to constantly prove that someone loves him. Unfortunately, he cannot find a way to love himself, therefore, no-body's love will ever be enough for him. He has the attitude, that no matter where he is there is always something better over there. For some strange reason, I have ended up over there. Let's keep in mind that he didn't lose me; no, he threw me away. He decided that I was useless, no longer served a purpose and was just taking up valuable space in his life. It was all to apparent in the deplorable way he ended things and moved on with his life. How can I ever forgive that? It's not so much that I cannot, but that, perhaps I should not. Everyone tells me that I can never forgive that and most of the time I agree. There is a part of me that will forgive him anything. I keep trying to kill that part of me. I am just not inclined to hatred. Especially when it comes to him. He is my kryptonite!
After taking so many relationship quizzes, I am left wondering what am I going to do about this? How am I going to get the relationship I want when the thing I truly want is unavailable to me? Fuck! Is it possible to stop wanting what we cannot have? I want a husband and a true, loving, romantic and passionate relationship. I want to have fun and laugh! I want to have new and exciting adventures. I want to go on a freakin' road trip with a man that is really and truly into me! I want to stop wanting my ex-fucking-boyfriend, dammit! I want to know that the person I am enjoying is enjoying me as well. I wish that "hotel boy" was more into me. That guy is SEXY-HOT! Unfortunately, he just wants a green card. Oh, my my my, how hot is he? Too hot for me to hop on, for fear of getting burned! I don't know why he calls me. What I should do for him is hook him up with someone that he could actually fall for! The poor guy thinks that he lost his chance to find happiness in love. Just like I think I am irreparably broken. I like talking to him though. I like how he gets all flirty with me. I like it when he tells me things about what he thinks and what he wants. I like it when we watch Mexican television and he explains to me what is going on. It reminds me of how my ex used to explain the news to me. Am I just trying to find a more faithful version of my ex? I wonder about this often. I wonder about this when I am thinking about what I like about the new guy. I've noticed that I have started to treat him the same way as my ex, in certain ways. I anticipate his needs, I don't do anything about it, but I think about doing something. I cater to his needs and desires. I even started rubbing his chest the same way and last time I saw him, he asked me to rub his back. He wonders where I learned how to do it that way. I never tell. I feel weird about it though. Sometimes, I even feel like I am cheating on a man that I am not with and is MARRIED to another woman! I am dumb! Mostly I wonder if I am trying my best to duplicate my last relationship. I have involved myself with a man that has absolutely no interest in me romantically, but enjoys the things that I give him. It will not be long before he realizes everything he can get out of me if he makes me believe he loves me and can get me to fall in love with him. I am setting myself up to be used again and I know it. I do it consciously too! I started this. I flirted with him first. I got him interested and now I am showing him how amazing I can be. I am doing all of this and we have already established that there will be NO romantically emotional attachment whatsoever. I told him that I do not believe in romantic love and that even if I did, I am broken beyond repair. I told him that if I started to experience more that what we have agreed to, that I would simply end it. I will. I'm thinking of ending it anyway, because I am afraid that I just want to prove to myself, again, that I cannot be loved by a man. I don't want to make him responsible for that. I like this guy. He has goals and dreams and he does not need a psycho girl getting all crazy on him. *SIGH* OY! I am just as pathetic and hopeless as I have ever been. Damn.
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