[A Whole Carnival of Crazy]
I love the things that we should fearTeary Pep Talk
2008-02-18
I am winding up the day the same way I began the day, crying. I woke up this morning after having a dream that I was having an argument with David about him getting married to someone besides me. I woke up and tried my best to get David out of my mind, so I started to think about the new guy and it occurred to me that I think about him far too much and now I have to stop seeing him. I have to stop because I like him too much. Romantic love IS NOT real! I will not let myself do it again; believe in a lie. I like being "in love", but it hurts when you have to wake up from the dream. It hurts more than I can bear to do again. I'm still aching from the last one. So I have to tell him that I cannot see him anymore and why. I felt sort of sad about it and cried a little bit. I thought about my "relationship" with David and felt a little sorry for myself, then I got out of bed and went about my day like normal.
I felt okay. Work was lame. I was talking about my childhood, just a little bit, while we were closing. I never do that. I do not talk much about my childhood at all, to anybody. I wonder why I was doing that. I am not okay, maybe. I am not being loved enough I think. It's okay. I'll survive and get on with things.
I came home after work and I was thinking about playing a video game for a while. I have a message from David. Of course, I cannot use any self restraint at all, I had to read it. I should just delete my fucking MySpace account again. Anyway, I'm sitting here thinking, I shouldn't open this, while I'm opening it! I am sort of curious, as I assumed that I wouldn't be hearing from him again. After all.... I haven't responded to any of his messages. I figure that .... well I don't know what I figure! All he had to say was "Never wasted." and I lost it. I just started crying. Why the hell do I still let that sham of a relationship have this sort of affect on me. I really am okay. I am doing okay, right? Why do I feel like I am not doing okay right now? Two words can push me over the edge? I must be a mental case!
I knew instantly what he was referring to. He must have read my blog. I do not think I will ever understand why he does that. When you are done with somebody, you should just be done right? I don't even consider that he might read my blogs, but he does, on occasion I guess. I've been writing about my feelings for him for, something like, six years now. I have journals from way back when I moved to Yakima, and they are full of my thoughts and feelings about David. I should probably burn them now. I don't know how else to deal with what I feel. This is how I have always done it. I write it down. I cannot understand why he would be interested in knowing what I think and feel anyway. What I do not understand, the most, is why he feels a need to comment on what I write. I don't know how I am supposed to feel. He decided to tell me that my kisses were "never wasted" on him. Why? Who cares if I think or feel that way? It doesn't matter and it doesn't change things.
I AM confused about my reaction. I just teared up and it felt as if all my breath had escaped me. Why am I having a reaction like that, this late in my recovery? It's coming upon a year!!!! I wish I knew the time-line for all of this so I knew what to expect from myself and I could prepare for it. I feel so stupid for crying almost a year into this. I think about Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless Mind. I wonder if I would do something like that if it were really possible. I know what I would be sacrificing, but I honestly think I would do it. Everything gone, everything. Just so I wouldn't have to feel like a crazy person; so I could focus on other, important areas of my life. I know I would lose everything about him, like it never existed. How could it be so terrible if every memory was wiped away? Nothing to mourn or feel bad about remaining. Oh well. *SIGH* I guess we feel pain for a reason, right? It's not so bad that I wish it never happened. I just don't want to keep feeling this huge sadness. It feels so heavy. I keep thinking that it should fade, but it doesn't ever get any lighter.
In a few years I'll be the crazy cat lady, living alone and talking to my 47 cats. I think I will die alone. It's probably better that way. I don't see marriage in my future any more. I don't see a significant relationship, a partner or anything like that. I am not afraid to be alone, it just seems like a waste. I feel like I have so much to give to someone. I want to give it to someone. I just never want to do this again. I never want to question if I am worth it. I do that everyday still. What the hell am I worth anyway? I wish I would hurry up and figure it the fuck out! I get so close, you know. Then I doubt myself and I let someone else's opinion of what I am worth matter more than my own opinion. I always choose someone that thinks I am worth very little or nothing at all. I know I do it and I need to stop. See, I am crazy. I never pretended not to be!
Why can't I just forget all of this. How can it be this hard to let it go? I am glad he is happy. I am really glad for him. He found it, good for him. It just shouldn't be this hard for me. All I ever wanted for him, was exactly what I wanted for myself, happiness. He told me that he found it. So I let him be. What else could I do? Nothing; that's right. When you love someone you want for their happiness. I loved him so much that his happiness was as important to me as my own. He told me that he didn't love me back. I let it go. What do you do when you are told that? There is nothing you can do. You back the fuck off and try to get over it and move on. I don't know how long it takes. It feels like it is taking FOREVER! What if I never get over it? Will I have to feel like this forever? Just because I promised to love him forever, doesn't really mean that I have to be in love forever does it? I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM ANYMORE! The problem is that I am not in love with him any less either. OY! I'm retarded. None of this is, or ever was real AMY!
I just need a distraction. Bright, sunshiny days are coming. I am back on my diet and doing well. I'm going to start walking regularly. I'm feeling pretty good. I need to meet a boy that I won't fool myself into falling for. I want to meet a guy to do things with this spring and summer. New experiences. I want to do things, see things and go places. I want to do it with someone fun and interesting. I want to smile and laugh more. I want to feel alive. I have let myself feel half dead for almost a year now. Life goes on without him, Amy! Wake up, dumb ass! Boring yourself to death is not working out! Sometimes I just need a pep talk!
Barnabus (2008-02-18)
It might be that your constant writing on the subject, is preventing you from letting go of it!! Keeping it ever fresh! Don't write the new guy off so quickly! but...be totally honest with him as to why you are not ready to be his girlfriend...If he understands and gives you the time....you've found a winner!!
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