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Too good to be true

2007-11-25

For the past several weeks I have been making a ridiculous amount of money.  I have been spending it just as fast and I have nothing to show for it.  I never thought I would say this, but it's stressing me out!  I feel so irresponsible.  It cost a ton of money to get my son here, that's true and since they have been here my grocery bill has tripled, at least.  I am paying for everything from entertainment to underwear.  It's not that I mind it's just that I am not used to my money going so fast, especially when I am making so much. Oh well, maybe I'm making so much because I need it to provide for my family.  It is not a bad thing that I am supporting two other people now.  It gets stressful, knowing that two other people are completely dependent upon me to provide everything they need.  It is a ton of responsibility and that is sort of scary to me.  I need to just calm down though.  I'm doing an okay job right now and I shouldn't stress so much.

I've been thinking about Dave.  I cannot help it.  He's always somewhere close, in my thoughts.  Sometimes it makes me sad or mad or just disappointed.  I was just thinking, the other day, how terrible it is to remember things that were so much fun and instead of remembering them fondly, I just get upset.  I have a very good memory, too good I think, and I remember things that I should have seen but missed.  Every experience that I remember, now has a new twist.  I loved him so much and I believed in that love like I have never believed in anything ever in my life.  I believed in that love like I believed in Santa.  When I was told the horrible truth, Christmas morning lost much of it's magic and felt flat for a long time to me.  Now I wonder what to do about romantic relationships.  I have no idea if I should ever have one again.  I do not believe in romantic love anymore.  As much as I wold like to prove myself wrong, I am sure that I am unwilling to take that risk.  I fight a demon every day.  What was I doing wrong that made it so I could not see the truth of my situation?  Why did I ignore all the signs?  Why would I put ALL of my faith into something that just was not true?  Why would i ever put myself in a position to do it again?  There I am.  I'm screwed.  I like men.  I like men's attention.  I like their company.  I like having sex and i like it when they like me back.  I will never believe another one of them that says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.  I am the best girlfriend/wife that ever was.  The problem is that I have never met a man that agrees with me about that.  The one that did agree was lying to me.  I don't know that to do now.  I think of David way too much.  I compare every man I meet to him, in all ways, good and bad.  I wish I could stop.  I still hope to get an email from him every day.  I am also relieved when I don't.  Sometimes I still come around the corner of my street, hoping to find his car in my driveway.  It confuses me that I have these feelings.  He left over 8 months ago and sometimes it seems like it was just the other day.  I am glad that I am starting to forget what his voice sounds like.  I still remember his smell.  Mostly I remember how I felt when he touched me and when I kissed him.  I miss that.  I wonder if I will ever have that again.  I doubt that I will because with him I believed in love and I believed it was true and now I just don't.  It's sad because it felt good, too good to be true I guess.

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