Trying to pass the Exit to Crazy Town

2008-04-20

Just when you think that nothing is happening in your life a whole bunch of shit happens all at once.  Where do I begin, really?!  I guess I'll start where I left off last.

I was all upset with myself for having a strong emotional reaction to seeing my ex driving down the road.  It was so strong and upsetting that I decided to delete my Myspace page and stop blogging just to try to change things up and let things go.  A day or two passed and I saw him again, driving through town.  The very next day I took my son to buy video games and I ran into him.  Fuck, it was like it was never going to end.  This time I was sitting in my truck when I saw him.  I hoped that he didn't see me but he did and he pulled his car right up next to mine and said Hi and then told me to bring my son in when he was working and he's give me his employee discount on games.  I didn't know what to say or how to react.  I want it to be different for me.  I want it to be less painful and awkward when I see him.  He doesn't seem to be bothered at all.  He treats it like we are old buddies or something.  I just feel agitated and strange.  I don't want to be mean or rude, but I'm sure that's how I come off.  I just get all confused and upset and I don't know what to say.  I definitely don't feel like it's okay for me to communicate with him like we used to.  I miss that the most I think.  I cannot feel at ease with him now, and it's not okay to try.  I am doing the best I can to let go.  I try really hard to occupy myself with other things.  I have been doing a very good job for the past week or so.

I have been feeling okay.  I've been working a lot and playing World of Warcraft during most of my free time.  I don't seem to have a lot of free time though.  Work has been getting better.  My son and I try to go to the park and play tennis on one of my days off and we watch TV and play video games most of my weekend.  He's been helping out around the house a lot more lately and I really appreciate it!  It makes my life easier and less stressful.  I finally bought him his Wii.  I felt guilty for not buying it from my ex.  I don't know why, exactly, but I did.  I'm still trying to avoid him.

The other day, my son's father came over and told me that one of our friends, from back in the day, had committed suicide.  This is the guy that was responsible for my son's father and I meeting at all.  He was also the first guy I ever had sex with.  I felt strange about the news.  I haven't seen him or thought much about him for the past 15 years.  I wasn't that close to him really.  For a brief time we were pretty good friends and I loved him, the way I loved my good friends back then.  He was 17 the last time I saw him; I was 19.  I felt like that 19 year old girl again.  I almost cried.  It was a strange feeling and I automatically thought of my other friend.  I knew that I must contact him at once and I wouldn't be okay until I did.  I have lost touch with most of the people from that time in my life.  A few years ago I found him on MySpace and we re-connected a little bit.  That is the only way I knew how to contact him, so I went back to MySpace and signed up again.  I got ahold of my friend, and I am glad I did.  I had forgotten how much I loved that guy.  He's one of those people that come into your life and really leave their mark and change you a little.  I was right.  Getting in contact with him made me feel better, calmer and okay.  The only thing better would be to see him.  The last time I saw him he was 18; I was 20 and had just had a baby.  I love that guy, I always will. 

I wish that I could put David in that category.  Just a good friend that I love.  It's so hard though.  I don't know how to get past the hurt from the relationship bullshit.  I wish that I had never become his girlfriend.  Then we could still be friends. We were really good at being friends.  He wanted me to feel more and eventually I did.  It came at a price though, a price he couldn't pay and so he lied and manipulated to keep what he wanted.  We could have just been friends and still been friends.  My love is the best thing I have to offer.  Of course he wanted me to love him, I am really amazing at it.  He didn't have to trick me into falling in love to get it though.  OY!  Anyway.... I went back on MySpace.  I decided to just make a new profile and add all my friends again.  It's an easy way to keep in touch.  I'm back for two days only and what do I get?  That's right, a message from David welcoming me back.  I just don't get it.  He didn't ever visit my page when we were dating.  He left and didn't have a desire or need to say anything to me for months and months until he needed me to pay a phone bill.  Then one day he gets a hair up his butt and all of a sudden he's messaging me randomly?  For what?  I don't know.  I don't get it at all.  Why doesn't he feel weird about this?  Why is it so easy for him? How is it okay for him?  I would feel too strange about messaging him for no reason, just to say hi or whatever.  I guess I still don't understand why he bothers at all.  He left me for a reason.  He did not want to be here.  It's that simple.  I don't know why he always knows when I'm back on MySpace.  I don't search for him.  I don't know why he looks for me.  I do not understand him anymore.  I wonder if I ever did.

I'm okay though.  I am resolved to leaving this alone.  I will not visit his page.  I will not answer his messages.  I want to feel sane again and I feel crazy when I am obsessing over him.  I can will myself sane, I've done it before!  Oh and another thing.... Chantix makes you CRAZY!!!  I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING!  I heard that Chantix, the quit smoking drug I took, can affect your mental well being!  People that have taken it are committing suicide!  I'm a little freaked out by that.  I read that old mental or emotional problems can reoccur after taking Chantix and they can even resurface after you quit taking Chantix.  I know I felt CRAZY on it, but I never suspected that it could still be affecting my mental stability!  I try not to think about that.  I don't want to give myself another excuse to jump the border to Crazy Town!

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Entertaining Thoughts

2008-04-07

Dammit!  You know,  I've been doing a fairly good job of "getting over" my ex, lately.  I've had a few situations the past few weeks, but all in all, I have been maintaining a positive outlook and not been letting myself dwell on the past or the what could have been's.  I finally had to make myself stop logging on to MySpace, as I was checking his page everyday, sometimes several times a day, for activity.  I was relieved when he set it back to private.  I sent him a short and to the point email asking about his mother, on Easter and his reply was equally short and to the point.  He hasn't messaged me or tried to see me since that strange breakfast.  I have been feeling okay, for the most part.

About a week ago, I was dealing away and some guy sat down and he smelled just like my ex.  A combination of his cologne and the fresh linen smell of his clothes made me think of the trip to the ocean and almost brought me to tears.  I barley maintained my composure 'till break.  I pondered why I still have such a strong reaction when I am reminded of him.

A week passed and I noticed that I was still hoping that he would email me every time I checked my in box.  He hasn't and I am glad and disappointed all at the same time.  I let myself get distracted with El Gallo for a few days; even though nothing came of that, just as I had suspected.  I haven't seen or heard from him since he came over last week.  I started to get a bit down on myself for letting another guy affect my emotions so dramatically.

A few days ago a friend that I work with was talking about how things were when we first opened this card room.  He started talking about my ex.  I got pissed!  I asked him to stop and when he didn't I got all frustrated and told him it was insensitive for him to bring up my ex in front of me.  I didn't want to discuss him or hear about him.  I am trying to be done thinking about him.

Today, on the way to work, I was thinking about how I never see him around town.  I never run into him shopping.  I never end up at the same bar or restaurant.  I never even pass him on the street.  I was thinking about how nice it was to not have to deal with accidentally seeing him, ever.  He gave me the heads up about where he works when we had breakfast several weeks back, so I can avoid any uncomfortable run-ins.  I was feeling pretty satisfied with how things have been working out.  What do you think happens on my way home from work tonight?  You got it, I saw his car.  I had just turned out of the parking lot and was headed toward home.  I  just got through the intersection and I saw headlights and thought that they looked like his headlights.  While that thought passed through my mind, the headlights flashed and I thought, "shit, here it comes"  and there it went.  We passed each-other, each on our way home at 3:45 in the morning.  I watched him disappear in my rear-view and I wondered what he was up to so late at night.  My heart was racing and I felt sort of woozy and when I got home, I almost didn't want to be here.  I just wanted to keep driving.  I don't know why I still get weird like this. 

I have made a conscious effort to stop talking about him.  I have been unsuccessful with trying to not think about him every fucking day.  I rarely bring him up in conversation, but I still have to consciously suppress the urge to do so.  I constantly wonder why I am still doing this and feeling these things.  I have tried to stop making so many blog entries if the only thing I have to say pertains to this subject.  Quite regularly I pray to stop loving him or to forget him completely.  I hate that I compare everything and every one to him.  So many things go through my mind, still, about how things were, how I thought they were, how I felt and how I feel now.    I don't understand why it is taking so long for me to let it go.  I haven't had one single day, since I first started having a crush on him, that I haven't thought about him.  I have thought about him everyday for almost six years.  No wonder it is so hard for me.  That puts it into perspective right there.  Six years is a strong habit.  To break a habit I need to find a replacement for it.  I don't know what to do exactly, but I have to stop this.  For goodness sake, I still ponder if certain outfits would look good on him.  I wonder if he needs new shoes or new jeans.  I often think about how much or little he would be enjoying himself if he were doing, with me, the things I do.  When I think of going fishing, I wonder when the last time he went fishing was and then it leads to a whole train of questions, like, is his tackle box stocked and does he still have the one I bought for him?  I'm a nut and I know it.  I see things that I know he would like and that I know I would buy if he were still stringing me along.  I am still doing all of these things, over a year later!  When does it end?  It's everything, movie previews, video game commercials, reruns of The Sopranos, everything.

I just need a distraction.  Just for a while and nothing too serious.  Just a little something to break me off of my habit.  I'm like a freakin' junkie! OY!  I need someone else to take up my thoughts and desire to spoil.  I need a little tryst to solidify the idea that my last relationship was mostly in my head and that it wasn't true love, fate, meant to be, or any other silly thing that I may have let myself believe over the past several years.  A fictional fantasy, and mostly a waste of time.  If I am going to live in a fantasy, then I want it to be MY fantasy.  I want to know it's a fantasy instead of being fooled into believing that it is real, reciprocated and that there is some sort of long term future in it.  I'd rather just play around for a few months and then move on to the next fantasy.  Things take on a whole different lightness when you know from the start that the story you are writing is fiction.  Fiction is for entertainment and we all know that I love to be entertained!

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Playing with a Player

2008-04-01

Guess who showed up at my door yesterday afternoon?!!!  No, not that guy!  Hmmmmm... lets think of the possibilities, for a moment.  It could have been any number of interesting people from my life's saga.  I'll give you a hint, it's a guy!  Okay.... I'll stop fucking with you.  It was the guy from last June.

I know what you are thinking.  "What guy from last June?"  I'll just call him "El Gallo Buenísimo", mostly because I think it's a funny way to describe him.  You may remember that he owes me quite a bit of money.  Oh yeah.... that guy.  Yeah.....  I've had a crush on him for quite some time now.  He called a couple of weeks back when I was sick.  I missed his call.  I never expected to see him again.  I was surprised, to say the least. 

I've been playing quite a bit of WOW the past week.  I was up all night and went to bed at noon!  When my son woke me up to tell me that some guy was at the door, I had only been sleeping for about 4 hours.  I got up and went to the door in my pajama pants and a sweat shirt, my hair all disheveled.  I was surprised to see El Gallo standing there!  He looked cute as ever and we chit chatted for a few minutes before I became way too self conscious to continue.  I had to go put on some clothes and brush my hair.  I made him stay outside, as the house is STILL an enormous mess!  I went out and we talked for 2 hours!  He's in a bit of trouble and because of that trouble he is having financial difficulties.  I'm sure I have already expressed how he "earns" a living.  I am not all that sympathetic to his troubles, but I do hope that things work out more in his favor than not.  So I am assuming that he is here to "borrow" more money.  I know that I am not entirely wrong on that point.  So, we talk and I fill him in on my current arrangement.  He tells me that he's been separated from his wife for a little while now.  They are living apart and because of that, he is in town daily to shuttle children between households, schools and activities.  He tells me that he's been thinking about me lately, he's been horny.  I just laugh at that.  He knows how I feel about him.  Like I said before, I am not trick to figure out.  I say what I like and what I want.  I like him and I want him.  I tell him about my lack of sex life now that I am a full time parent.  I let him know that I DO NOT parade men in and out of my son's life, so I am uncomfortable bringing men home to "play".    He understands.  I don't know why he thought it was okay to show up at my house, after owing me money for 9 months, and just expect me to hop all over it.  Then again, he knows that it is something I really want to do.  He was a bit disappointed that we couldn't just get down to business.

I like this guy.  I always have.  He's a bullshitter, smooth talking con artist; not unlike my ex, only better.  He can have an intelligent, grown up conversation and instantly flip to unabashed flirting and then back again, seamlessly. (also like my ex)  I love it!  He can make me blush, it is hard to do that to me.  He tells me things that he probably shouldn't.  I don't know why, but I'm cool so I assume it's easy.  I see what he's doing and how he is trying to manipulate things.  I play his game.  I let him make the rules and then I bend them.  I know that he is interested in me.  I guess we'll have to see to what extent and purpose.  Everyone needs a friend like me.  Guys like El Gallo know that and use it to their benefit.  I'm okay with that for now.  I want to have some fun that isn't too serious. 

Not to worry.  I am being cautious.  He is a criminal, charming as he may be.  He is a married man, single as he may act.  He is a product of an environment that our society creates for the children of poor Hispanic immigrants.  It's not an excuse, but it is understandable how he arrived at where he is and the attitude that he has about it.  I don't know if it is a blessing or a curse for me, that I am like this.  I do this thing where I look past the undesirable and disagreeable things about a person and look at who they are, really, behind all the bullshit that life piles on us all.  I can't help it.  I do it with everyone I meet and talk with a bit.  I always want to get down to what makes us what we are.  I tend to get myself a fairly eclectic group of friends.  Now I am wondering how this "friendship" fits into the whole scheme of things.  I really believe that he is testing the waters to see where he stands and what he can get.  I hope that he just thinks I'm cool and wants someone to kick it with.  I like him though and I can see myself becoming good friends with him if he wants to.

We planned to meet this afternoon.  He suggested that we go to a hotel and have sex.  I am not sure that is going to happen.  I played coy though.  I am prepping, just in case I decide to do that.  He got fresh with me in his car in my driveway in broad daylight!  He kissed me, too!  We all know how I've been feeling about that!  He's a damn good kisser, definitely in my top three!  He has a good sense of humor.  I don't feel like I have to dumb things down for him or watch out for his feelings.  It is so nice to be able to communicate like that.  I like him a lot.  He is so different than I am, with a very different outlook and values.  It's interesting to spend time with people that can present a totally different view of the same world.  I hope that he really is interested in cultivating a friendship.  I would like to make him my lover for a little while!   I'm skeptical though.  He's a player for sure!  I am not down for being played right now.  I can play his game for a while and find out though!

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Amy's Song

2008-03-27

"Amy's Song"

You asked me to write a tune
All about the things that go wrong
And then you asked me to come home soon
To the place where I belong

But you stand on the other side
Of the line in this place
And you can't see me, you are blind
And this you can fake
No, this you can fake.

And sometimes, sometimes I wanna be
I scream that I wanna be
Anyone but me.

And I don't know if I can write about
Chosen walls and the things you feel
And I don't know if I can sing aloud
Closing doors showing you what's real

But I know when I close my eyes,
Late at night, there's only one thing
The night's shown that she can lie
Its your face, show me something
Can you show me something

And sometimes, sometimes I wanna be
I scream that I wanna be
Anyone but me.

What do you want me to say
All I know is love - it's ok
I'll write what I know
And you do the same
Tell me I'm sane.

And sometimes, sometimes I wanna be
I scream that I wanna be
Anyone but me.

~ Joshua Radin ~

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What if you

2008-03-27

 ~  What if you  ~

What if you
Could wish me away
What if you
Spoke those words today
I wonder if you'd miss me
When I'm gone
It's come to this, release me
I'll leave before the dawn
But for tonight
I'll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I'll lay here with you
But when the sun hits your eyes
Through your window
There'll be nothing you can do
What if you
Could here this song
What if I
Felt like I belong
I might not be leaving so soon
Began the night believing
I loved you in the moonlight
So, for tonight
I'll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I'll lay here with you
But when the sun hits your eyes
Through your window
There'll be nothing you can do
I could've treated you better
Better than this
Well, I'm gone, this song's your letter
Can't stay in one place
So, for tonight
I'll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I'll lay here with you
But when the sun hits your eyes
Through your window
There'll be nothing you can do

~ Joshua Radin ~

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Where are you Mr. Fervor?

2008-03-25

Damn; I am lonely.  I can only imagine a few things more pathetic than how I spent last night.  Just imagine it if you dare.  Fat, unattractive, thirty-something chick, sitting at the computer watching free video clips of fatty porn.  It's absurd enough to make me laugh out loud and I am not even joking!  OY.  I haven't had sex in 5 1/2 months and I am feeling stifled, to say the least.  It's not as if I am a stranger to abstinence as my last relationship ended with a year and a half of me being faithful to a guy that was cheating on me.  I've been a bit fucked up over that aspect alone.  I actually believed that he wasn't  that interested in sex and that I was being a good girlfriend by trying to be understanding and patient with him.  What a load of CRAP!  It's true; he wasn't interested in sex..... WITH ME!!!!!  So I have been struggling lately with weather I am even desirable at all. 

I have put on quite a bit of weight over the last several months.  I have completely withdrawn myself from any form of social scene.  I don't even flirt with men like I did after he dumped me the first time.  I feel fat, ugly and disgusting most of the time.  When men do try to flirt with me I justify it in a few different ways.  A. He thinks that because I am fat and ugly that I am an easy target.  B. He thinks that it will make my day, cheer me up and put a smile on my face.  C. He flirts with everyone and it means absolutely nothing.  I never even consider it to be sincere flirting.  I have resolved myself to the category of women that men are not interested in. 

I make a great pal.  I am witty and funny.  I have a "just one of the guys" personality.  Men LOVE me, they just do not, under any circumstance, want to date me and definitely do not want to have sex with me.  I understand, most of the time.  I do not fit into a "hot girl" category or "attractive girl", "sexy girl", "average girl" or even "doable girl".  What I am is the girl that you can kick it with all night and if you haven't found some chick to take home and fuck, if you are horny enough and drunk enough and I promise not to tell a living soul, you may be able to maintain an erection long enough for me to suck you off once before you pass out or puke.  I am not okay with that.  What I do is I stay away from the parties and bars.  I don't try to meet men and when I get lonely and horny, I Google "fat girl sex" and watch the free clips of women that look like me getting some!  Where are those guys?  Healthy, attractive men with hard cocks and a desire for fat chicks?  Is it real or just a job to sell porn?  I suspect the latter, but there must be a market for it, none the less.  I don't get it; I mean that all the way around! 

What are my options here?  I can accept my body the way it is or I can do what I can to change the things I do not like.  Does that really get a chubby chick laid?  Somehow I doubt it.  I can lose weight and that will help, I am sure, I have done it.  It doesn't really do much on the dating front.  It may bump me into a "doable" category, but that is about it.  Outside of plastic surgery, I cannot change how attractive I am.  Weight is a huge issue, but it is far bigger than that.  I was not blessed with a pretty face.  I believe that I am on the homelier side of plain.  Some of you may argue that it is all about self image, but you can call the duck a swan all you want and at the end of the day it is still going to waddle and quack just like a freakin' duck.  This isn't necessarily my problem.  Like most American women, I have self image issues, it's true, but I am realistic.  I am a real person, not an actress, pop star or super model.  I live in a real town, I do real things and live a real life.  I just want to have some real sex with a real man, dammit!  I see women everyday with their "man".  Women that aren't any more attractive, thinner or more confident than I am.  They all have a guy to go home and hop all over.  What the hell is my problem?  Did I miss the buss for the "how to snare a man" seminar?  I probably just got on the short bus, if my past relationships are any indication of how well I am doing in that area. 

I am not even talking about a long term committed relationship!  I just want something in between the "hey let's spend forever together" guy and the "random, usually drunken, one night stand" man.  Where are the guys that want to go to the movies and come home and fuck?  Where are the guys that will let you drag them shopping, let you cook them dinner, kick your ass at Tiger Woods and then do you doggy style?  Where the hell is the dude that will take you up to the lake, rig your line and take the fish off if you happen to catch one between articles in your favorite magazine; and perhaps bend you over a log in the woods or just let you blow him on the drive home?  Where are these guys?  Do they exist?  If they are out there, then why haven't I met one?

Sex isn't everything, Amy.  I have heard that too many times to count.  It's not everything when you are getting it.  When your are not, it sure has a funny way of climbing up your priority list.  I am frustrated.  I don't understand why I am so horrible that I am NEVER even in the running for consideration as a possible short term, sex filled relationship.  Men are NOT interested.  That is the plain simple fact of the matter.

My guy friends tell me that I am intimidating to most men.  I know what I like and what I want and I am willing to say it.  I will call bullshit when I hear or see it and I will give my opinion when I feel like giving it.  I am honest and abrupt.  I have been described by my boss as abrasive and hard.  These are not desirable traits in a woman.  Part of the problem is that I do not like pussies!  If you cannot handle me, I get bored.  I want to be handled.  Nobody understood my attraction to my ex.  Simply put, he could handle me.  He only did it when he wanted something out of me it's true, but he could do it and I liked it.  He learned what tactics to use in what situation and he kept me under control.  I am sure that it was a huge and heavy task.  I am sure it must have been exhausting to maintain.  Now I understand why he said he was satisfied seeing me once or twice a month.  I am a ton of effort!  Moving in with me must have been some sort of torturous prison camp of insanity that he had no other choice than escape from.  I am a crazy bitch! 

Come on.  I cannot be that bad!  I know that I can be overwhelming to the guy that does not know how to handle me.  It is not like I come without instructions.  I am not that hard to figure out.  My ex figured it out; of course he made a life-long career out of playing women before he "retired", so I cannot be that tough!  I think it all comes down to effort.  I am not considered to be worth the effort.  I think I am and if I had a cock I would just fuck myself.  Where is the dude that thinks "Wow, I wanna have some fun with that girl!  She seems interesting and sassy, and I'm just they guy to handle her!"  That's the guy that I want to meet.  I'm bored with the "please fix my life" boys, the "I'll stick my dick in anything warm and wet as long as it's a secret" dudes and the "I'm bored and have nothing better to do, so I'll practice my female catching skills on you" men.  The saddest part of it all is that the best one of them all this past year was the Mariachi and he is married so it doesn't even count!

Oh well.  Maybe my only options are endless frustration and loneliness or becoming a bitter, man hater and learning to love fish tacos!  Right now I don't have the heart or stomach for either of those options.  I better figure out a plan and snag me a hot blooded stallion that's down for a few months of fervent frivolity.  I am on the freakin' edge!  If I have to look at one more raggedy assed broad draping herself over her man and giving me a look that says "back off floozy, this fine piece of man meat is mine, all mine." like I am about to snatch her toothless, mangy, cockeyed boyfriend away from her; I might just snap and slap the taste of his cock right out her mouth!  Then again, it's probably all in my head!

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Hiatus is over.

2008-03-23

I tried to give myself a hiatus from blogging everyday.  I only managed to remain silent for 11 days.  That is huge!  I felt as if I would go crazy.  So many things have happened in the interim.  Most of it has to do with my job.  I do not really feel like going into that this morning.  All I have to say about it is that I may find myself making a dramatic move to another city in the next few months.  I don't know for sure.  I guess I will have to wait and see how things develop here and what my attitude is toward everything.   I am a bit scared, but when am I not these days?

I was sick last week and I didn't get anything accomplished.  I had my house almost completely clean and now it's just a filthy pigsty once again.  I went off my diet and I haven't been able to get back on track there.  I went through something very intense and dark the last few weeks.  I cannot deal with myself when I am not letting it out in some form.  I started thinking dangerous thoughts again.  I try my best not to dwell on them, but I noticed that I was actually planning scenarios and I even went so far as to set a time frame.  I haven't thought those thoughts since high school.  I hate the hopeless and helpless way it feels.  I have been feeling a bit better the past few days, but I am thinking of seeing a professional and getting medicated.  That is something I am completely against, but I am scared and I am having troubles dealing with it on my own.  I cannot do this with my son around to witness it.  I worry that I will infect him with my darkness.  This, above all else, I want to protect him from. 

I haven't heard from my ex in a while.  I forget when he messaged last, but he just sent something on MySpace questioning my private setting.  I have tried to stay away from his profile, but I haven't succeeded.  I still check everyday.  It's stupid.  I was disappointed when he decided to correct his spelling of listening.  I thought it was hilarious that he was always listing! hahahahahahaha!  It makes me laugh out loud, seriously!  He has finally set it back to private so I don't actually see his page and it is a good thing because I am tempted to read his blog and, although I have done a good job of controlling myself these past few weeks, I wasn't sure how much longer I could hold out.  I like it better when the choice is taken out of my hands.  He hasn't tried to pursue anything more on the friendship front.  I assume he changed his mind or doesn't have the time, energy or desire for it.  I haven't thought much about his side of things really.  I haven't considered my side much either.  I consider my feelings, sure, but I think that I am resolved to never pursuing any form of relationship with him ever again.  It is difficult for me to make that sort of commitment in my heart.  I think of him often; perhaps too often still.  I don't know how long I am supposed to keep doing this, but apparently a little longer.

I am having a bit of a struggle with another issue.  My ex's mother.  I haven't communicated with her in almost a year.  I promised her that I would quit smoking, last summer and I did.  I had quite a few emotional, drunken episodes that summer and I just couldn't maintain my friendship with her.  I have felt really bad about it.  I have stopped myself, every holiday, from getting her something.  I struggle constantly with my feelings.  I do not want to make my friendship with her become a way to deal with my feelings for her son.  I do not want to make things uncomfortable for her, my ex or his family.  I feel guilty and sad for abandoning that relationship.  She has tried to message me on MSN but I am always away and I never know what to say when I see that she is still trying.  I want to talk with her, but I feel like she is a mother figure to me and I just cannot let her play that part, when so much of my internal strife has to do with the outcome of the relationship I had with her son.  I am really torn on this subject.  I gave in to my urge this morning.  i bought her an Easter gift.  I got her an Easter Lily plant and a pretty little silver & diamond cross necklace.  I was just going to leave it on her front porch with a card, but I am not even sure if she is still living there.  I had to email my ex to ask if she is.  I didn't tell him why.  I am nervous to see her, or talk to her face to face.  I am afraid that I might become overwhelmed with emotion and cry in front of her.  I hate it when I do that.  I feel silly and weak.  I want her to know that I think about her almost as often as I think about her son and that I care about her just as much.  I don't really know how to handle this.  I am not really ready to jump back into our friendship just yet, but I want her to know that I still care.  I don't know what to do.

That's about it.  I'm trying to be a good mother, but I feel like I am failing.  I am doing my best to not let my internal drama play itself out in reality.  I am definitely failing on that front!  I am trying to stay positive, but it's been difficult the past few weeks.  I am lonely as hell!  I haven't been kissed in over 5 months.  I feel unattractive and unwanted.  I haven't even touched a man, intimately, in over two months.  I am lonely.  I wish that the new guy would call, but I think that he is gone for good.  Oh well.  I don't really need a man in my life right now I guess.  I just need to be patient, I suppose.  Things have a strange way of working themselves out anyway.  Patience is NOT my forte.  There is really nothing else I can do right now then, is there?

 

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Freak on a Leash

2008-03-22

~ Freak on a Leash ~

Something takes a part of me.
Something lost and never seen.
Everytime I start to believe,
Somethings raped and taken from me... from me.
Lifes got to always be messing with me. (you wanna see the light)
Cant they chill and let me be free? (so do I)
Cant I take away all this pain. (you wanna see the light)
I try to every night, all in vain... in vain.
Sometimes I cannot take this place.
Sometimes its my life I cant taste.
Sometimes I cannot feel my face.
Youll never see me fall from grace
Something takes a part of me.
You and I were meant to be.
A cheap fuck for me to lay
Something takes a part of me.
Feeling like a freak on a leash. (you wanna see the light)
Feeling like I have no release. (so do I)
How many times have I felt diseased? (you wanna see the light)
Nothing in my life is free... is free
Sometimes I cannot take this place.
Sometimes its my life I cant taste.
Sometimes I cannot feel my face.
Youll never see me fall from grace
Something takes a part of me.
You and I were meant to be.
A cheap fuck for me to lay
Something takes a part of me.
Boom na da mmm dum na ema
Da boom na da mmm dum na ema
Da boom na da mmm dum na ema
Da boom na da mmm dum na ema
Da boom na da mmm dum na ema
Da boom na da mmm dum na ema
Da boom na da mmm dum na ema
Da boom na da mmm dum na ema
Da boom na da mmm dum na ema
Da boom na da mmm dum na ema
Da boom na da mmm dum na ema
Da boom na da mmm dum na ema
Da boom na da mmm dum na ema
Go!
So...fight! something on the...
Fight...some things they fight
So...something on the...
Fight...some things they fight
Fight...something of the
No...some things they fight
Fight...something of the...
Fight...some things they fight
Something takes a part of me.
You and I were meant to be.
A cheap fuck for me to lay
Something takes a part of me.
Part of me...
Part of me...
Part of me...
Oh...

~ Korn ~

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Down in a Hole

2008-03-22

 

~ Down in a Hole ~

Bury me softly in this womb
I give this part of me for you
Sand rains down and here I sit
Holding rare flowers
In a tomb... in bloom

Down in a hole and I don't know if I can be saved
See my heart I decorate it like a grave
You don't understand who they
Thought I was supposed to be
Look at me now a man
Who won't let himself be

Down in a hole, feelin' so small
Down in a hole, losin' my soul
I'd like to fly,
But my wings have been so denied

Down in a hole and they've put all
The stones in their place
I've eaten the sun so my tongue
Has been burned of the taste
I have been guilty
Of kicking myself in the teeth
I will speak no more
of my feelings beneath

Down in a hole, feelin' so small
Down in a hole, losin' my soul
I'd like to fly but my
Wings have been so denied

Bury me softly in this womb
Oh I want to be inside of you
I give this part of me for you
Oh I want to be inside of you
Sand rains down and here I sit
Holding rare flowers (Oh I want to be inside of you)
In a tomb...in bloom
Oh I want to be inside...

Down in a hole, feelin' so small
Down in a hole, losin' my soul
Down in a hole, feelin' so small
Down in a hole, outta control
I'd like to fly but my
Wings have been so denied

~ Alice in Chains ~

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An Anniversary of Sorts

2008-03-11

Today is the day.  The one year mark for being uncoupled.  I think I should celebrate my singlehood.  I should make it okay that I am neither married nor coupled.  I am not any less of a person.  I am not unworthy of love, affection or romantic attention.  I am single.  That is not something demeritorious!  I am 34 and I have never been married.  That does not mean that something is amiss, that I am inadequate or undeserving.  It merely means that I have not found an appropriate partner to commit the remainder of my life to.

I am trying not to put a negative spin on this.  I would rather, try, to consider it a celebratory day; rather than a day of mourning and, just plain, self pity.  I am so tired of feeling sorry for myself.  I am also weary of missing something I never really had and a feeling that I may never experience again.  I am exasperated with feeling like there is something inherently wrong with me so that I may not have what I want or hang on to what I have.  I am done with forcing myself to believe that I do not deserve any form of happiness.  Today is the day that I am going to commit to focusing on my happiness.

I have spent an entire year questioning myself and feeling sorry for myself.  I have cried myself to sleep more nights than not.  I have been so angry that I have forgotten how it feels to not hurt inside.  I have been angry with myself.  I have been very judgemental, accusatory and self condemning.  I resolve to treat myself better!

One year ago, today, I was abandoned and I have spent the entire year sabotaging my recovery.  Today I will rectify that and start a new chapter in my story.  I will do it because I want to. I deserve it and I think that I can.

Tonight I will open a very nice bottle of wine that I bought a few weeks ago.  I will find a few chick flicks to watch.  I will feel good about being single and spending time with myself, being me and enjoying the evening the way I like.  I may cry, I may have a few moments of weakness and I know that I will miss him.  For the most part, I am going to be brave and as strong as I possibly can to get through this night without falling completely apart.  One year is HUGE for me.  Let's hope that the two year mark passes without significance or recognition.

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Keeping it Fluffy.

2008-03-11

I am so sick of men telling me that they want to keep our meetings secret!  I understood with the Mariachi, because after all, he is married and committing a mortal sin!  The New Guy asked me to keep our meetings a secret and now my ex has asked that I keep it a secret as well.  It just pisses me off!  Am I really so horrible?  Jeez!  It just makes me feel so insignificant when I let people treat me like that.  I am not doing anything wrong.  I am not seeing the Mariachi anymore.  The new guy is single and available, besides I am not doing anything shameful with him.  My ex is married and I haven't done anything that I should be ashamed of.  The only thing I have done is blog about our meetings.  It is not my fault who reads my blog.  I am almost convinced that it is time to delete my MySpace again and find a new place to blog, just so I do not cause problems for anyone.  Then I think, fuck that, I am doing nothing wrong!  I am not lying and I am not trying to hide anything. 

Sunday morning I got home from work and my ex had left me a message to write him.  It sounded urgent, so I messaged him back and asked if he was okay.  He asked me to call him and I said absolutely not!  Then he asked if I wanted to go get something to eat.  I don't know why, but I agreed to meet him at Shari's.  We had breakfast and talked for a bit.  He basically told me that he should not have told me that he was still in love with me.  I agree!  He should not have said that.  I was right it was all a bunch of bullshit.  He told me that he is happy with his life and I told him that I was glad for him and I am.  I feel like a huge loser, but I am glad for him anyway.  He told me that he thinks we should be friends and I told him that we cannot.  I have issues.  He wants to help me sort them out.  I told him that it is not his responsibility to help me sort out my issues.  I don't understand why he wants to be friends.  I tried to explain to him that I really want a husband.  I want a real relationship with someone and if I try to be friends with him, I will keep wanting it from him.  I don't want to keep wanting him, I want to get over him.  How can I do that if I am trying to have a friendship with him?  He thinks that I can do it and it will be good for both of us.  Honestly, I don't think he wants me to get over him and he definitely doesn't want me to find someone else and give "what is his" to someone else.  In all truth, my heart is still his.  I don't know how to change it, but I do know that it will not change if I start hanging out with the guy.  Besides; I do not think that married people should have relationships that their spouse cannot have access to; and I will NEVER be friends with his wife.  I don't want them to have problems or fights because of me, what I think, feel or say.  I don't want to know their personal business. 

I don't want to let go either.  I want to keep him in my life.  He brought up some good points of why we should stay friends.  He said that if I didn't want to that it was okay.  Well thanks for the permission.  I don't think that he understands that it is not a matter of me wanting to or not.  I want him in my life for sure.  I want to spend time with him every fucking day!  I should be able to stay friends with him and put my emotions to the side for the benefit of the friendship; right? That's just me trying to rationalize something that is wrong.  I know that we communicate in a way that I don't communicate with anyone else.  He claims that it is the same for him.  I don't feel like I should be doing that with a married man, unless it's a man that is married to me.  I am not suggesting that I am doing anything wrong, because I am very careful not to do or say anything that is inappropriate, but it is an emotional connection that I feel when I am with this guy and he should not be available in that way, not to me anyway.  I have inappropriate feelings for a married man.  I cannot help it, I had these feelings before he was a married man.  I just can't make them go away is all.

I don't want to be in love with him.  I do not want him back, not like someone would think.  Our relationship was a huge fiasco and mostly fictional!  I want something that is true and real.  What I am missing is the way I felt when I was with him.  Every time I am with him.  When I say with, I mean "in his presence", just spending time with him.  I don't know what it is or how to duplicate it.  I have never felt anything similar from anybody else.  Okay, perhaps that isn't true, because I have really been giving this idea an enormous amount of thought.  It is similar to the way I felt with my father.  It's kind of crazy; I know.  I miss my dad; he's the only man that I knew, for sure, loved me unconditionally.  I knew that if I really needed him, he would be there for me, he was my dad.  Now I am not suggesting that my ex fulfilled my daddy issues, but in a way he did I guess.  I felt like, no matter how fucked up things got, he would always be there for me.  I also believed that he would never let me go and if he had to, he would fight to keep me.  It's all so laughable now, but when I am around him I still get that calming and easy feeling, like everything will be okay.  I hate it!  I want to get that from one person only, MY HUSBAND!  Definitely NOT someone else's husband!  I don't know how he does it, but he always manages to say the perfect things to me, at just the right time, in just the right way.  He's always done it.  It was a huge part of why I fell in love with him.  I know he is a giant bullshitter and a bald faced liar, but he says things so deeply personal to me that I have no choice but believe him.  He has done it from the beginning of our relationship and he continues to do it every time I talk to him.  I don't even know if he realizes that he does it.  It's as if he speaks directly to my soul.  I am not even kidding.  That is exactly why I must get over him and I must not continue a friendship with him.  It is more than a friendship to me, it always has been, it always will be and I am just not to be trusted under those circumstances.  I will never try to do anything that makes his life more difficult.  He says he has found happiness and I am glad for him.  He doesn't need me in his life and he shouldn't want it either.  Everything I have to offer he can get from his wife, he should look for and find it there.

It seems that I am very idealistic when it comes to marriage.  Perhaps I am.  I am not christian, or even religious for that matter, but I do believe that marriage is sacred and it is something that scares the shit out of me.  50% of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce.  I want to make sure that I do it right the first time.  I am so freaked out about divorce that I may never get married!  I am even ruling out men that have been divorced as potential partners.  I am sort of lucky I guess, because I am nearing the age bracket with the lowest % divorce rate.  I cannot even imagine having to go through a divorce.  This breakup has been hard enough for me!  I do not know how people even survive it!  I don't think it is easy to stay married.  In fact, I think the opposite.  I think it is hard and something you must be committed to working on and nurturing.  I think that too many couples do not take it seriously enough.  I want to find someone with the same attitude I have about the matter of committing yourself to someone for life.  I want to find a partner that agrees with me about the boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not in a marriage.  I want someone I can learn from and grow with.  I want to be a partner that offers that as well.  I do not think that any of this is easy.  Anything worth having is worth working for and, sometimes, fighting for.  I know that I am worth it and I wish I would finally meet the guy that believes it too!

All of the thinking I have been doing is making me ill.  I am serious!  I am coming down with something.  I stayed in bed most of the day, just to rest up and hopefully avoid a congested and mucous cold. EUWWW, Gross!  I am conflicted, like usual.  I am trying my best to figure out what the right thing to do is.  I have not told ANYBODY of the breakfast I had with my ex.  This is the first I've mentioned it.  I just don't want all the advice that comes with It I guess.  I know every one's opinion already.  I will figure out what is right for me on my own, I'm sure.  If I'm wrong, I'll backtrack and try a different approach.  I've banned myself from talking about David at all, except in my blog.  That's why I started this blog after all.  This is how I sort it all out.  I don't know if I ever really get anywhere with all this sorting and re-sorting! At least, it helps me organize and put a language to my thoughts and feelings.  I feel less pressure when I have typed a bunch of crap out of my mind!  I might be a crazy woman, but it's not really hurting anyone is it?  Yeah, I didn't think so.  Life does not have to be this heavy!  If something helps lighten it for me, then good!  That is what I want to keep doing!  The things that help keep my life fluffy!

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Good Night, Stupid Dream.

2008-03-08

I had a fantastic night at work last night.  I think I finally got the attention of a guy I've had my eye on for a few weeks now.  I made a bunch of money and I was in a good mood all night!  I hope tonight is just as good.

I dreamt about David last night.  I was dreaming that we were getting back together and I was freaking out because I was positive that he'd leave me again.  He locked the front door and told me that it would never happen again.  I woke up and I was pissed.  That's the first dream I've had that puts us back together after this entire fiasco.  Usually I dream that we are still together.  I was disappointed that my subconscious still longs for reconciliation.  It's not really a surprise, but I wish all of me would catch up to my mental resolve to get over this.

I think I may have to ban myself from MySpace again and delete my account.  I checked his profile again today.  He has it public again and I gave in to curiosity and read his blog.  Turns out he's still engaging in the same immature antics, bar hopping and bar fights.  I'm disappointed to say the least, but he's not in my life anymore so I shouldn't really care.  He hasn't had anything to say to me, besides that one cryptic message, since he came over a few weeks back.  I hope he's quit reading my blog.  I don't want the things I say about him to upset him, sometimes I am very opinionated and not very nice.  Oh well.  I try not to think about it too much.  I am trying not to give too much thought and attention to him now.  Some days are better than others.  I'll get the hang of it eventually.  I've already stopped bringing him up in regular conversation.  That is a step forward.

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Just a little freak-out!

2008-03-07

Okay, I'm freaking out.  I think I am having a mild panic attack.  I don't want to let him go.  Plain and simple.  I want to hold on forever.  I am really feeling strange and panicked!  I want to cry maybe.  I was doing good all day too.  I kept myself busy and didn't think much about it.  Now that it's late and I'm tired, I am freaking out.  I'm sure that I'll be okay, but what the hell?!!

I still haven't finished cleaning the house.  I took another load of crap out of the garage, I did the dishes from yesterday.  I swept the dining room.  My son and I went shopping for dinner.  I made dinner and watched a movie.  The whole day seemed to slip by so quickly.  I started to straighten up the living room and the bathroom.  I'm getting closer, but I want it all to be done already.

David never responded to the message I sent him this morning.  I did another search for his profile and he's set it back to private, thank goodness.  I need to just quit!  I was doing so well with not looking for him on MySpace.  Until two weeks ago I hadn't even attempted to look for his page.  What is my deal now?  I can't seem to use enough restraint and just stay away.  I feel like a stalker!  I don't understand myself!  I am letting myself be all crazy!  NOTHING HAS CHANGED AMY!!!!  He is married and doesn't give a shit about you!  Wake up and face the TRUTH! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK!

okay here's the deal.  You don't just get to drop by your ex-girlfriends house, tell her you are in love with her still and then not say anything else to her for two fucking weeks!  You could have at least emailed and apologized for being inconsiderate and wrong!  You could have written it all off to having too much to drink.  You should have let me know that you were just fucking with my mind and that you wouldn't do it again.  I am so fucking pissed at you for jumping into my road and making me hope that you were telling me the truth.  I am pissed at myself for wanting it to be the truth.  I am even more pissed off for wanting you to do something about it.  Fuck you David!  It's all so funny isn't it?  Does it make you feel special that I torture myself over you?  Does it do something for you, knowing that I cannot , EVER, get you out of my mind?  Does it make you just as sick as it makes me, to think that I may never get over this?  Well, I want you to know that I WILL get over this!  I will get over it and you won't give a shit if I do; just like you have never given a shit about anything I ever do. Fuck it, fuck it all.  None of it matters anyway, it never did.

See....... I am freaking the fuck out!  I am scared as hell!  I am scared and I don't know why.  I don't know how or what to feel if I let it go!  I don't know what else to think about or even how to think about something else.  I've been doing this for so long now, it feels like I have been doing it forever; almost like I don't remember a time before it.  I feel like a junkie trying to get clean.  I am petrified and I just want him to come make things okay for me.  I told him to stop reading my blog and I tried to piss him off so that he would.  I don't want him to see this.  I don't want him to know that it is like this for me.  It's so strange to want to rid yourself of the same person that you want to come save you.  The conflicting emotions are really fucking with my mind.

I am doing the right thing.  I know it's going to be hard.  I am no stranger to this.  I've been doing it all year.  As a matter of fact, in just a few short days it will be exactly one year since he took his shit and left.  He left on a Sunday, I think it was the 11th.  This year the 11th is on a Tuesday.  I think I'll get drunk.  I have the perfect bottle of wine for the occasion.  I just have to end this.  I am making myself a crazy person!  I was talking to a guy the other day and he told me that his grandmother is still in love with his grandfather and they have been divorced for 14 years!  I cannot hang on to this for 14 years!

Okay....... my freak-out session is abating!  I will be able to handle this and I will be okay all on my own.  I may feel crazy and scared sometimes, but I will get through it and it will be easier next time.  I can be brave and move forward through my fear.  I have to.  Someone is waiting for me on the other end and he is wondering what is taking me so long to get to him.  That is what is going to get me through this.  I know I sort of gave up, half way through, but I think I am back on track with it now.  I am going to have times like this, where I freak out completely.  I am just going to have to stay focused until I am no longer trying to get over this and I just am over it.  I can do this, I am going to do this!

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The Cleaning Project that never Ends!

2008-03-06

OY!!!!!!!  I didn't get much accomplished yesterday, as far as cleaning goes!  I felt like I worked hard all day.  I am skeptical about getting everything done today!  My son and I loaded the truck with crap from the garage and my friend and I drove to the landfill. We then drove around town to pay a few more bills, then we stopped by Bi-Mart.  When I got home, I did a load of dishes, cleaned the top of the stove, put on the new rings I got at Bi-Mart. Scrubbed the kitchen floor, on my hands and knees.  I even took out the drawer out of the stove to get underneath it.  I scrubbed the bathtub and the toilet.  I then tackled the task of cleaning my computer area, and that is a challenge.  Piles and piles of crap on and under my huge L-shaped desk! I got it all accomplished!  Then my kid was hungry, so we went to the store to pick up a few things, milk, etc. and stopped by a burger joint.  We came home put in a movie and ate our burgers.  When the movie was over, I was too tired to do anything but go to bed, so that's just what I did.  My house is still a mess and I need to get started.  It feels like I am in a cleaning project that never ends!  I need to get this shit done so I can let the landlord know that I need my hot water tank fixed!  Here I go, to start the final day of my weekend.  No rest for the wicked I guess!

Not only that, but I managed to delete everything David, from my computer, email and MySpace.  It felt weird and stressful!  I did it none the less.  I almost cried.  I took him off of my favorites list and promised I would not go back or try to find it again.  I did.  I did one search yesterday and he sent a message last night, that I got this morning.  I am trying really hard this time.  I sent him a message back and I was a little snotty.  I don't know how else to deal with it.  I don't know why he reads my blog and I don't know why he feels a need to comment and I don't even know what the things are that provoke him.  I'm pissed that he hasn't talked to me for two weeks after dropping a bomb on me.  I am annoyed that all he had to say was "Jesus... nice blog."  I have no idea what he was referring to.  I told him to go kiss his wife.   I should have told him to not take his lord's name in vain, but that is just being a bitch.  I don't want to act like that, but sometimes I let it get the better of me.  Oh well.  I can be annoyed, it doesn't make me a bad person.

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Ten Confessions

2008-03-05

I confess; I am a crazy person!  Okay, I feel like a crazy person, but I'm in a pretty good mood lately so I just laugh at myself for most of it.  I am so glad that Spring is finally here.  The bright sunny weather inspires me to be happy and be a better person.  Thank goodness too, because I wasn't sure how I was going to make it out of the dark place I've been in for so long now. 

I woke up early this morning.  I got out of bed at 6 am because I had to pee!  I figured that I would check my email and start my day.  I did what I usually do and logged on to my home page, no interesting emails, logged into MySpace, no new messages,  checked my favorites to see if David has been on recently; this is where it gets crazy.  I see that he has updated his profile around 12:30 last night so I click his picture to see if he changed his mood or his friend status message.  The link takes me directly to his page!  I don't know why he made it public, but I freaked out and shut all my browser windows down immediately!  I caught my breath and logged back on and checked Shoutpost and considered blogging, but I was freaked out!  I went back to bed.  I didn't sleep I just laid there and thought.  Three hours later, I decided to get up and start my day.  I have this idea how to attack this problem I am having, letting go of him.  Here is a list of my confessions.

1.  I have been checking his MySpace status everyday, sometimes several times a day, since he came over a few weeks ago.  I sort of felt like a stalker, but it seemed harmless enough as his page was set to private so I could not read it.  I just started doing this over the past few weeks, I am not sure why.

2.  I have really been wishing that he would email, call or come over again for the past few weeks.  I feel like I want to talk to him.  I haven't really thought much on what my agenda might be, I just have a strong desire to see him.

3.  Sometimes, not always, but sometimes I write things in my blog because I hope he will read them.  I never lie, everything I write is what I am actually feeling or thinking, but sometimes I find myself writing things that I want him to know, things that are specifically for him.

4.  I am afraid to let go of him.  There I said it.  I am scared and I don't know why.  I have only been half trying, if that for several months now.  I have been so frustrated with myself, because I know that I have been feeling this way for a while now.  I confuse my fear with not wanting to let go.  I do not know what I am afraid of.

5. I am ready to take the steps necessary to put him out of my mind, my heart forever.  I know that I will always love him, but I don't have to stay in love with him do I?  I can move on with my life and find an available man that is right for me.  I don't need to keep dwelling on what I thought I had, and what I cannot have with a man that never wanted me in the first place.  I need to move on and be strong. 

6.  I have saved every email he sent me when he started communicating with me again last September.  I have pictures of him, still, on my computer.  I still haven't deleted his last 3 MySpace messages.  I have resolved to purge my computer of all that stuff today.  It will be part of my Spring cleaning!

7.  When I post song lyrics it is a statement about how I am feeling or what I am thinking at that moment.  Most of the time it is reference to how I am feeling about David.

8.  I started this blog to help get over my ex and I have turned it into a place to whine and feel sorry for myself.  I am sick to death of that and I do not want to do that any more.  It may be the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I WILL get over this guy.

9.  I would have taken him back at any time this entire year.  Now I feel like I have just wasted another year on him and for no reason.  He never gave me any reason to believe that I should wait for him.  Now that he has come to me to "confess his love"  for me, I am skeptical.  He puts no action behind his words and it has pissed me off and made me look at myself a bit closer.  I do NOT want this relationship.  This is the relationship we have always had.  He says things that aren't true and I try my best to believe them and structure my life around that.  I am done doing that.  I will not build my hopes and dreams on lies anymore, ever again.

10.  I want to be happy.  I want to feel joyful and carefree.  I want the same for David, but I cannot make it my responsibility to get him there.  I can only get there myself.  I have every confidence that he will find it for himself.  I am done worrying about it and wanting to help him get it.  I have myself to worry about and help.   That is just how it's going to be from now on.  I can only take care of my side of things.  I cannot make sure that everyone in my life is taking care of their end.  I have severed ties with several people this year because they did not take care of their end.  I set boundaries with everyone but David.  It is time that I figure out what those boundaries are and implement them.

Those are my confessions.  Now I can start working on the areas that need the most attention.  That is just what I intend to do.  I cannot get to where I want to be if I am dwelling on the past and standing still waiting for something to happen.  I must get busy and start making things happen.  I know this.  I am scared, but what is the worst that can happen, right?

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Old Thoughts, New Realizations.

2008-03-04

Today I started my weekend early.  I got out of bed around 10 am and went all over town, with a friend, to pay bills and shop.  I, of course, started thinking about David.  I always do when the weather is nice and I am being shuttled around town!  I miss him and how he made sure I got the stupid daily tasks accomplished.  I always appreciated that about him.  I t may have seemed insignificant to him, but to me, I felt taken care of, less stressed, and a sense of accomplishment and on top of all that, just spending time with him was fun.  I tried to put that out of my mind while I was shopping and then we went to lunch. 

I was out all day.  When I returned home, I started right in on the cleaning I plan on finishing by Thursday.  I had bought my son a kite while I was out, so he put it together and wanted to go to the park and fly it.  My friend and i walked with him to the park and we flew his kite.  It was fun, but I noticed that I was not only thinking about David again, but I was talking about our trip to Ocean Shores almost 2 years ago.  I was laughing about the kite we bought and had such a good time flying.  I was telling my friend how cute and excited David was once he got the hang of flying it and that we flew it 'till it was too dark to see it!  I explained how David thought it was sort of a silly idea to buy a kite and fly it, but I had insisted and once we got it in the air he was hooked!  I fly a kite at least once every spring, except for last spring, since I was a little girl.  I love it.  My son remembers being little and flying kites with me, I am sure my youngest sister also remembers me taking her to the park when she was little.  I just love it, it makes me feel young and carefree.  I actually ran today!  I NEVER run! 

It was a good day and thinking of David did not make me sad.  I noticed this early in the afternoon and pondered it for a few minutes.  I wondered if I had finally reached a point where I could be friends with him and perhaps invite him to lunch sometime.  Then I put it out of my head.  That is just a crazy thought and I know it.  I will always want more than friendship with that man and it is pointless to pursue any form of relationship, unless it is the relationship I want.  He is unavailable for the relationship I want, so I must be brave and strong and just stop myself from thinking about it.  That way I can put myself in a position to find a man that is available for the relationship I want.  Then I  read something today that made me realize that most of my relationship with David was very Sisyphean.  I was constantly working and trying to make that relationship work, but at the end of the day it was always right where it always was.  Now I have to wonder, Why am I giving so much of MY energy, my thoughts, my time and my heart to this man?  It really is not getting me anywhere and nowhere closer to what I want to be in life. 

I have to look at things as they are.  I am single and looking to find an available man that wants to pursue a relationship with me.  I am living in the past and in the past I was in an imaginary relationship with a man that was, almost constantly, dating other women.  I treated that "relationship" like it was a committed, lifelong relationship.  No wonder I was hurt so bad when he finally found what he wanted and stopped seeing me to pursue that.  I was fooling myself.  I wanted to believe that if I treated the relationship like the relationship I wanted to be in then it would eventually turn into the relationship I wanted to be in.  I almost feel foolish for that, but I didn't know I was doing that.  I kept trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, but the facts are, that I just chose to be in a relationship with a man that was not in a relationship with me.  I chose to live in a lie because I didn't know how, or was too afraid to make it real.  I love that man with everything in me, but he was never as into me as I was him and he was never as interested in a relationship and future with me as I was with him.  He told me repeatedly and I wouldn't listen.  He told me he could walk away at any moment and never look back and I didn't believe him, and then he did it.  I have spent an entire year recovering from shock and disbelief and trying to figure out what the hell I did wrong.  I didn't do anything wrong!  I chose wrong.  That is all.  I chose to be in an imaginary relationship!  I am not going to even beat myself up over it!  I was not aware of it 'till now.  I thought I was just being understanding and patient.  In reality I was just allowing myself to be used as a stepping stone.  I am not ashamed of it.  I didn't understand how I was allowing that to happen.  I thought that it was part of how I loved him.  I now realize that it was part of how I was not loving myself.  I never expected anything in return for my love and devotion, so I never set boundaries for how I should be treated.  I confused boundaries for expectation of reciprocated love.  Now I know that there is a difference and I must find out how to set boundaries.  I just want to be happy and I want to find someone to be happy with me!

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No rBGH for me Please!

2008-03-03

A conversation with a co-worker has me all riled up!  I understand the skepticism some people have with the idea of going organic.  I am trying my best to not only educate myself but also the people around me.  It is important to me that we are informed so that we can make better choices concerning the health of our families.

I was in a conversation with a friend that I consider to be intelligent and reasonable.  He made a comment that has been bothering me greatly over the past few days.  His comment was that not only would he continue to eat meat injected with bovine growth hormone, also known as rBGH & rBST, but he would purposely choose to purchase and consume it as well as feed it to his family.  I was shocked and disgusted, to say the least!  He made his point by saying that he has been eating beef injected with hormones and antibiotics all of his life and there is nothing wrong with him.  I find this attitude deplorable.

Here are some things you should know before you purchase you next steak, gallon of milk or other dairy products. 

1. rBGH & rBST was approved by the FDA in 1993 and was introduced into our food supply in 1994, so ... No Chuck, you have not been eating it all of your life.

2. rBGH makes cows sick. There are about 20 toxic effects, including mastitis.  rBGH milk is contaminated by pus, due to the mastitis commonly induced by rBGH, and antibiotics used to treat the mastitis.

3. rBGH milk is chemically and nutritionally different than natural milk. rBGH milk is contaminated with rBGH, traces of which are absorbed through the gut. rBGH milk is supercharged with high levels of a natural growth factor (IGF-1), which is readily absorbed through the gut. Excess levels of IGF-1 have been incriminated as a cause of breast, colon, and prostate cancers.
IGF-1 blocks natural defense mechanisms against early submicroscopic cancers.

4. rBGH injected into dairy cows causes problems such as mastitis or inflammation of the udder, joint problems, deformed offspring, and a decrease in lifespan of up to two years.

5. BGH milk was tested 90 days on 30 rats before it was approved. Dairy cows that are done giving milk make up about 17 percent of America's annual beef slaughter.

Let me ask these questions.  How can anyone think it is safe to consume food from an animal that is injected with a hormone that makes it sick?  What are the long term effects of consuming beef and dairy products treated with this chemical?  Are we really willing to offer up our children as the guinea pigs to test this drug for safety?  I, for one, am not.  I am opposed, completely to it's use in our food supply.

I urge everyone to stop buying products contaminated with Bovine Growth Hormone.  I especially urge those of you with small children to consider their health and choose hormone free food.  There are no laws that require the labeling of products containing rBGH, but many companies are labeling rBGH free products.  Please, choose these products to feed your families.  rBGH free products are not necessarily organic.  You may pay a bit more but isn't our health worth it?  Look for Tillamook, Darigold, Ben and Jerry's and Wilcox for your dairy needs.

Chuck, please have something valid to back up your argument next time.  It disappoints me to think that you would argue something you know nothing about.  I try not to push my opinions on others, but I am getting more and more passionate about what we put in our bodies and educating myself about it.  I don't want to become a preachy, granola eater but please, if you are going to criticize my lifestyle choices, have some valid points before you argue with me.

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One Step Forward.

2008-03-03

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me I've been alone all along  ~ Evanescense ~

 Two steps forward and one step back; that is how my recovery from this breakup has been going for a year now.  I felt okay with that because, it seemed that I was making progress; no matter how slow or little.  The last two weeks have been hell for me.  It's almost been like a whole new breakup with the man.  I wonder why I haven't heard from him and I am confused.  I check his MySpace, where he is "always watching..always...listing." and I don't know what he is listing but it makes me laugh, everyday to see if he has been online.  I haven't done anything like that since he left.  I know that his profile is set to private, so I can't see his page, thank goodness!  I also cannot send him messages!  That is a blessing all in itself.  I will never email him again, but sometimes I really want to.  I want to know why he told me that he still loves me and then just decided to never speak to me again.  I let it torture me. 

 I cannot even talk to my closest friends about it.  I feel lost and alone and it's sort of scary.  None of them want to hear that I still love him.  They don't understand and I get lectured about how bad he treated me and how crazy I must be to still want him in my life.  I don't care what they all think.  I cannot stop feeling this way.  I'm tired of hearing it, really.  As I am sure that they are tired of hearing my side as well.  I am closing the book on that.  My personal life is off limits to everyone.  I will not discuss it with my friends anymore.  From the beginning, everyone, warned me about him and advised against getting involved with him.  I did what I wanted and this is where I ended up.  I am tired of the "I told you so" and "if you would have listened to me".  I don't want to be reminded of every fucking thing he did to hurt me anytime I suggest that I still have feelings for the guy.  I replay our entire relationship on a daily basis.  I know and I remember EVERYTHING! 

I have slid back to the place where I am questioning everything to find out where I went wrong.  What did I do or not do to fail my relationship?  I really wanted to get to that point of the conversation with him.  Unfortunately, for me, my other ex acted all psycho and interrupted the whole thing before I could get the conversation to that point.  The only thing I accomplished was to make him feel bad about himself.  I am not proud of that.  I never wanted to be that girl, but I guess I am.  I wanted to ask him questions.  My biggest question is always, "why wasn't I good enough?".  I don't want anyone to settle for me, but i do want to know the things that I need to change so that I don't mess up anymore relationships i might get into.  He said things that i hate hearing.  Things about his wife and his unhappiness.  I don't want to hear that.  I want to believe that he left me for something better.  It makes me wonder how horrible i could have been to make him run away to be unhappy somewhere else.  I want to know these things.  Not so I can fix them for him, but so i can change myself for my future relationships.  i want to be aware of the things that made him run away from me.

I have been so hard on myself lately.  I notice all the relationships around me and i wonder "why not me, what is wrong with me."  All types of people, fat, skinny, ugly, beautiful, stupid, angry, peppy, negative, happy, creepy, dirty, stylish, shy, bubbly, whiny, old, young, tall, short, everyone.  They all have relationships.. I wonder what my problem is.  Ami just the right combination of something that people do not want to get involved with?  Like when eHarmony rejects you!  Sorry, nobody could possibly love someone like you!  I cannot be that bad could I?  Am I destined to loneliness?  Is it the lesson that I am here to learn?  I have to love myself and then nothing else matters, right?  Bullshit!  I am lonely dammit!  I finally felt what it was like to be in love and share everything about yourself with someone. I miss it and I want that feeling back.  I want to know what I did wrong to lose it.  I want to know what to change so that I can find it again. 

I think about situations I would like to experience.  Fantasies, I guess you would call them.  I fantasise more now than i have in years.  I try not to put specific people in my fantasies and i am very careful to remove my ex when he pops up!  I've noticed that I fantasize mostly about regaining that feeling of excitement and joy that I felt at the beginning of my last relationship.  The weightlessness of falling in love.  I must still believe in romantic love.  How could I not, when i am still feeling it for my ex?  FUCK!  I still think it is a huge lie, but a lie I must believe in , none the less.  Oh well.  if i am going to believe in something that isn't real then I want to it to make me feel good, not horrible and negative towards myself.  That's why this is hard.  Believing that he loved me made me feel good, and knowing that he doesn't makes me feel shitty.  So, I fantasize about replacing that feeling with another guy.  Not a specific guy, just a different one.

I am working on being more desirable.  I went back on my diet and I've lost around 20 pounds.  I need to re-read the Four Agreements and start putting them into effect in my life again.  I want to start exercising on a regular basis.  I know i will feel better if I start moving around more.  I need a better attitude and i want to get over my bullshit.  As much as i loved being in love with David, I really just want to feel the way I did just before I got involved with him.  I am going to give this a real try.  I want out of this misery that I have been languishing in!  I hate it and it has become so boring that I don't even want to think about it anymore.  David is gone, spring is here and I am going to give it my all to move forward!  I want to feel like a whole person again.  If I just quit waiting and hoping for the man I love to return to me, and just live my life on my own terms, then how can i really go wrong.  Right?  I know my own heart and i know that I truly have been hanging on to a tiny bit of hope that he would come home to me.  I need to let that hope go now. I am ready to do what is necessary to do that.  Staying positive is the first step and that involves putting a end to all of the beating up on myself that I have been doing.  I don't deserve that.  I cannot be happy if i never allow myself to be happy.  I am going to ease up on myself, starting Today.  That is truly a step forward!

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Hallelujah

2008-03-02

Hallelujah

Well I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and he pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
Well, it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah,
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Well your faith was strong, but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
And she tied you to her kitchen chair
And she broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah,
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Well baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor, you know,
I used to live alone before I knew you
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It's a cold, it's a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah,
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Well there was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me, do you?
I remember when I moved in you
And the Holy Dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah,
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Maybe there is a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah,
Hallelujah, hallelujah,
Hallelujah, hallelujah,
Hallelujah, hallelujah,
Hallelujah, hallelujah,
Hallelujah, hallelujah,
Hallelujah.

 

- Leonard  Cohen -

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My Immortal

2008-03-02

My Immortal

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

- Evanescence -

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Spring Cleaning Day!

2008-02-28

Well... let's see.  I have done NOTHING this weekend!  I slept most of it away.  I'm all messed up over my ex.  I have been waiting for him to email or stop by again.  I, somehow, really wanted to talk to him and I almost emailed him.  I couldn't though because it's crossing a line.  He never emailed and he hasn't come by again.  There you go.  Fuck that guy!  It was all bullshit.  Everything he said to me.  It always is.  There is never any backup to anything he tells me.  I should know better and I should learn to let go of that tiny bit of hope that he's finally telling me something valid and true.  It never happens and it makes me sad.  Oh well.  Really, I'm no worse off than I was last week.  At least now I know.  I wanted to believe him, that our entire relationship wasn't bullshit.  It was all bullshit. 

I really shouldn't think that, because it was very real for me.  Everything I said and felt was real and true.  It still is.  I don't pretend to be or feel something that I am not.  Sometimes I try to not let it show.  I am honest and I feel so many things that are conflicting, it gets confusing.  I always try to do the right thing though.  The lines get blurry sometimes, but I do the best I can.  I am doing my best, always, and there is nothing more than that, it's all I can do.  I want to be happy and I know that I cannot be happy if I do the wrong thing or I am not trying my best.  I want what is best for me and for him.  I want him to be happy and do the right thing, but it is not my responsibility to make sure that happens or to guide him, counsel him or anything.  I can only take care of my end.  I have to do what is responsible and best for everyone involved.  I cannot let myself be selfish and I will not.  Sometimes we have to do things we do not want to do to get what we do want.  For instance, I do not want to clean this stupid house, but I want to live in a clean house, so there you go!  I have to do the things that are necessary to get me to where I want to be and that is my focus starting today!  This house is getting cleaned tonight!  Nothing is going to stop me from accomplishing that! YAY ME!

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Sepia Morning

2008-02-26

It's a sepia morning and I am siting here eating peanut butter off of a spoon.  I have been up all night getting nothing accomplished.  I watched some television, listened to some music, updated MySpace,  joined Tickle.com and wasted a bunch of time taking relationship quizzes.  I am trying, once again, to get the intensely emotional feelings for David out of my head.  This sucks.  Really......  I don't know why I put myself through this.  He is definitely my strongest weakness.  I know I should have been strong and not let him talk to me.  I knew it would do this to me.  Make me crazy!  I know myself very well, and I know how I let him affect me.  I have always let him affect me in crazy, emotional ways.  I need to stop doing that.  I do not understand why he felt a burning desire to come see me.  So what, he thinks he is in love with me still, he's a married man.  A year ago he thought that he didn't love me and he was, for sue, in love with his wife.  He thought that the mere fact that she was having his son meant that she was the "one" and they would live happily ever after. He was sure that he loved her the same way I love him, unconditionally and for eternity.  He was SURE about "us" not being right.  It didn't occur to him that it might be just another girl having another one of his children, the only difference is the gender of his child.  It didn't occur to him that it takes more than love and faith in love to make a relationship work.  He never anticipated that he would miss his life over here. 

 I never thought he hated me, just that he didn't ever really care.  It's always about him.  What he wants, feels and needs.  Now he feels hurt that I finally recognized the lie and call it how I see it.  Now he wants to believe that lie?????  What the hell?  Let me ask this one question, if you really love someone, truly, passionately and forever, can you actually do something that you KNOW will devastate them and scar them forever?  Can you really do that and still say you love them?  I can't.  I just cannot ever, never ever, conceive of doing something that could possibly destroy him; even now, after all of this, I could never, knowingly, hurt him the way he hurt me.  My love is true and his, well.... my love is true and real.  I just do not understand how he can say what he feels for me is love.  How can he even consider that?  He never believed in us.  He was always looking for something else, something more, something different than me.  He found it alright.  He once said to me, and very hatefully I might add, "I am never getting married, especially to you!"  I believed him.  Although I really want to have a husband, I loved him so much that I was willing to compromise even that.  I knew he would impact my life in a major way the first time I looked him in the eye. I didn't even know that I would be moving here then.  It was like an electric shock and I knew.  I knew he was important, I just didn't know why or how.  I still believe in love at first sight, simply because of that.  I don't know if he remembers or even noticed.  I remember.  I remember tons of things.  The first time I danced with him.  I could feel the electricity running through me.  I am not exaggerating.  Still, when he touches my skin, I feel it.  The time I think about, all too frequently, is this time early in our relationship.  He picked me up to just go for a ride in his car, I always loved that, anyway... He was taking me home and driving fast up a big hill.  I unbuckled my seatbelt, got on my knees on the seat and kissed him like I had never kissed anyone before or after that.  We were at the top of the hill when it started and as we came over the summit and started the descent, everything around me disappeared and it was just me and him and a feeling like I was on fire in a roller coaster!  I will never forget that.  I doubt he remembers.  I, highly, doubt he experienced anything similar to that.  I smile every time I think of it, none the less.  Good times, man!  Like our trip to the science center!  He sat in a huge chair and I freaked out in a space ride!   I laugh out loud!  We had fun!  He's just missing the fun.

He is not, nor ever was in love with me.  I was always a fun and understanding friend and a good backup plan.  I am not going to be his backup plan ever again.  He strung me along for years, why, because he is afraid, YEP, I said it, AFRAID to be alone.  He needs to constantly prove that someone loves him.  Unfortunately, he cannot find a way to love himself, therefore, no-body's love will ever be enough for him.  He has the attitude, that no matter where he is there is always something better over there.  For some strange reason, I have ended up over there.  Let's keep in mind that he didn't lose me; no, he threw me away.  He decided that I was useless, no longer served a purpose and was just taking up valuable space in his life.  It was all to apparent in the deplorable way he ended things and moved on with his life.  How can I ever forgive that?  It's not so much that I cannot, but that, perhaps I should not.  Everyone tells me that I can never forgive that and most of the time I agree.  There is a part of me that will forgive him anything.  I keep trying to kill that part of me.  I am just not inclined to hatred.  Especially when it comes to him.  He is my kryptonite!

After taking so many relationship quizzes, I am left wondering what am I going to do about this?  How am I going to get the relationship I want when the thing I truly want is unavailable to me?  Fuck!  Is it possible to stop wanting what we cannot have?  I want a husband and a true, loving, romantic and passionate relationship.  I want to have fun and laugh!  I want to have new and exciting adventures.  I want to go on a freakin' road trip with a man that is really and truly into me!  I want to stop wanting my ex-fucking-boyfriend, dammit!  I want to know that the person I am enjoying is enjoying me as well.  I wish that "hotel boy" was more into me.  That guy is SEXY-HOT!  Unfortunately, he just wants a green card.  Oh, my my my, how hot is he?  Too hot for me to hop on, for fear of getting burned!  I don't know why he calls me.  What I should do for him is hook him up with someone that he could actually fall for!  The poor guy thinks that he lost his chance to find happiness in love.  Just like I think I am irreparably broken.  I like talking to him though.  I like how he gets all flirty with me.  I like it when he tells me things about what he thinks and what he wants.  I like it when we watch Mexican television and he explains to me what is going on.  It reminds me of how my ex used to explain the news to me.  Am I just trying to find a more faithful version of my ex?  I wonder about this often.  I wonder about this when I am thinking about what I like about the new guy.  I've noticed that I have started to treat him the same way as my ex, in certain ways.  I anticipate his needs,  I don't do anything about it, but I think about doing something.  I cater to his needs and desires.  I even started rubbing his chest the same way and last time I saw him, he asked me to rub his back.  He wonders where I learned how to do it that way.  I never tell.  I feel weird about it though.  Sometimes, I even feel like I am cheating on a man that I am not with and is MARRIED to another woman!  I am dumb!  Mostly I wonder if I am trying my best to duplicate my last relationship.  I have involved myself with a man that has absolutely no interest in me romantically, but enjoys the things that I give him.  It will not be long before he realizes everything he can get out of me if he makes me believe he loves me and can get me to fall in love with him.  I am setting myself up to be used again and I know it.  I do it consciously too!  I started this.  I flirted with him first.  I got him interested and now I am showing him how amazing I can be.  I am doing all of this and we have already established that there will be NO romantically emotional attachment whatsoever.  I told him that I do not believe in romantic love and that even if I did, I am broken beyond repair.  I told him that if I started to experience more that what we have agreed to, that I would simply end it.  I will.  I'm thinking of ending it anyway, because I am afraid that I just want to prove to myself, again, that I cannot be loved by a man.  I don't want to make him responsible for that.  I like this guy.  He has goals and dreams and he does not need a psycho girl getting all crazy on him.  *SIGH* OY!  I am just as pathetic and hopeless as I have ever been.  Damn.

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Breath

2008-02-26

"Breath"

I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like.

Is it over yet, in my head?

I know nothing of your kind, and I won't reveal your evil mind.

Is it over yet? I can't win.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.

You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

This will be all over soon.
Pour salt into the open wound.

Is it over yet? Let me in.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.


You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.


I'm waiting, I'm praying, realize, start hating.


You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

- Breaking Benjamin -

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Right Here

2008-02-26

Right Here


I know I've been mistaken
But just give me a break and see the changes that I've made
I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I hope you're not intending
To be so condescending it's as much as I can take
and you're so independent
you just refuse to bend so I keep bending till I break

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you

Why can't you just forgive me
I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made along the way
But I always find a way to keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if I chose to walk away would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep me right here waiting

- Staind -

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Check one, Check, Check

2008-02-25

Well, I have decided that I have a piss poor attitude.  I actually left work early tonight, when I could have stayed and made some money.  I haven't made very much money all week and it's because I have a BAD ATTITUDE.  I need a freakin' vacation, but alas, I cannot really afford one.  I start my weekend early, woo hooo!!  I have the next 3 days off and I AM going to get this fucking house clean dammit!  I am going to start tonight since I came home from work when I should have stayed. 

I haven't heard from the "ex" since the night he "stopped by".  I've felt quite a bit anxious since that night.  I check my email several times a day, hoping for some communication.  Now I need to get myself in check. Chickety Check myself, before I wreck myself!  I'm not kidding either.  My head is all messed up over this.  You cannot just swing by your ex-girlfriend's house, almost a year after you broke her heart; tell her that you are still in love with her and then expect that everything will go on just fine after that.  I'm sure his life is fine after that.  Mine, however is a mess.  Complications with the baby daddy over an hypothetically implied reconciliation.  Why does every man I know want to tell me how to live my life?  I know it's in their nature to try to fix things, but please!  I think I've been doing a decent job running my own life for 34 years, well 16 years I guess, but still.  Given the chance and the time I usually make the right decisions and when I don't I try my best to fix it.  Give me some credit people.  I'm a good person, for the most part.  I can be in love with someone AND do nothing about it.  I've been doing it for a year now!  Jeez!  Sure, I get confused and I like to think about what might or could be.  I am also realistic and I look at what is and what is probable.  I don't, often, make rash decisions and i don't know why I would start now.  Nothing has changed.  I knew he would eventually tell me he still loves me, I just didn't know when and if I would be ready for it.  Why wouldn't he still love me?  I was fantastic to him and for him.  If now, after a year of whatever he's been dealing with, he can appreciate what he had, then good; perhaps next time he has something that good and special he will  treat it with more care and concern.  Nothing is different though.  He's still married and he'll stay that way.  I'm still trying to get over him and I'll keep trying until I don't have to anymore. 

Right now I just wish I could find someone to help get me through the tough parts.  I have so much to give and nowhere to put it.  It helps having my son to care for, but it's not the same sort of thing.  I want that special relationship.  The one I thought I had with "him".  The one that feels so intensely personal and just lights me up.  I cannot fake